My Romana

My greatest achievement in life was my relationship with Romana

How can I begin to write about my dearest, my love Romana, words could never do her justice. Our life, joy was every day steering in my face. Our love, life completeness with the path to eternity.

Love is Life’s Greatest Treasure

My life has been so rich, in receiving and giving love. The foundation of all spiritual practice is love. Romana not only give my body and mind so much love, but she also gave warmth to my soul. For me, Romana was the best human being that I ever had the privilege of being in the company of in this life.

I lived for many years in Berkeley Square wondering why; I had come back to Mayfair, why and why, since the place never gave me anything back – a little like Zurich. In speaking about this, I used to tell people, there must be a reason why I find myself back in Mayfair, a place I already stayed in 1960 and lived with my young family later in the 60s. The reason came into my life in 1989, and as the famous song start: When true lovers meet in Mayfair –  And a nightingale sang in Berkeley Square. Love is synonymous with destiny and we were meant to be together on this journey.

Our life together was full of light 

I have decided to write about Romana and me and our life from the first day we met, until, I was holding my Romana on the 26th March 2008, leaving this world, 45 days after her 55th  birthday. I was so lucky in life to have the fortune to have met Romana. Romana was called all Polish many names, because Jadwiga, Romana’s mother called her Romusch; I also called Romana Romusch and Romuscja. Anyone who enjoyed the love Romana and I shared, will never replace it with the making of billions and great esteem. I am very thankful to have walked with Romana for nearly 19 years on this planet. I was so fortunate.

I want to write for two reasons, firstly, most men (99%) who will read this will not believe such a woman exist, such an exceptional being, therefore, it is important to tell our story, and give hope to every man who has only had bad experiences with the opposite sex. I recall so many moments when my chest swelled with pride at all the attention Romana lavished on me. Most days, our day would start with Romana getting nude out of bed, and after a little stretching, Romana would be dancing in front of me nude giving me all the inspirations and desires for the day. I take a long time to wake up, just like a little boy, whereas Romana was awake right away – ready to go.

I am still devastated by grief and at the time I am dwarfed by my own words writing about our life together. The last decade’s event is nothing against the scale of the loss of Romana. In fact, I do not believe that I would have survived without all these beautiful memories and the grief, however painful.

Further, I am writing in honor of women in general and specifically to my soulmate Romana, who was a special human being. Romana’s middle name was Eva (Ewa), a name meaning “the mother to all living”.

I need my diaries, but in the meantime, I will write in detail about our lives for more than 18 years. All the places we went to and how Romana wanted most things to be a secret, to Alexander, her son and my adopted son, her girlfriends and others, as to the so much enjoyment we had together.

Romana knew about jealousy and how people really are. It did annoy me at the time that we sometimes, had been away in some fabulous place and had some great moments, and returning to London, I could not mention it to anyone. A few times I could not keep quiet and did mention it to one or two friends quietly.

Happiness, we are confidently assured, is the objective of life, and it is something we “get” by working hard, shopping, playing and exercising our part in the drama of late capitalism. Because capitalism loves the goal of happiness – since it can offer endless products that will promise it, when they fail to do so, it can offer alternative products which make an identical promise. And so on. Commerce thrives on unhappiness. You’d be happy if you were thin enough, fit enough, drive this car, travel to this place, entertained enough – and here is the product for you. Except, all these products do not give you the ultimate happiness. The happiness I enjoyed with Romana.

Like money can’t buy you, love. Happiness is good for you and for those around you – and there is not greater favour you can do for loves ones than show them your happiness. I tried and many times did overcome myself and my depressions to feel totally happy, and I did have many such moments, in fact, so many looking back today, all thanks to Romana. Sometimes, happiness, which is relative and can’t be measured, is, therefore, something we first like I now can look back on reflect on, also in a relative sense. 

As to Romana’s last 15 months, the Corinthians:

“My grace is sufficient for thee; my strength is made perfect in weakness”

So much reminds me of Romana and her last 15 months struggle and onslaught, the debilitating chemotherapy. Romana had toughness in the form of sheer resilience and persistence, this marked her character with grace, showing when her body was most weak – her true strength and spirit. Alone dealing with the successive bouts of treatment in Switzerland, still to the last giving warm compassion and sparkle to other patients at the clinic.

I have witnessed my fair share of those who, through illness, has become embittered and prone to misanthropy and the rejection of all social obligations, this was the opposite with Romana.  

To me, my life would have been nothing without Romana, I failed so much and despite having much happiness, the huge amount of happiness with Romana over shines everything. Romana was such a special and exceptional human being that I could in no way hope to become in this life, but have aspired to, more so after her death. These years have allowed me to complete my own self-development and move towards death. Now I know that death is a transition and part of a much larger journey, offering a powerful opportunity in the process of soul growth.

Although, I have expressed many times that the events in Denmark changed me greatly, suffering severe depression, PTSD, and worst, my belief in myself. I am ashamed that Romana had to take so much of this, not that I bothered her with all the gory details of my depressions, nor what happened during the 309 days of solitary confinement. For some obvious reason, it was really a subject never talked about.

Romana was a sun shine from the moment her eyes opened, with her first look at me with a smile, a smile all over her face, in her eyes and in all her expression. Therefore, I was right from the morning surrounded by the warmth of this beautiful human being, like I was wrapped in a protected cloth and nothing would hurt me. On reflection, Romana carried the Holy light and that always gave me comfort. 

I am writing a book, in writing such a book, I will revisit so much memory, which will be overpowering in my grief, but it will also give me pleasure I hope, I intend to travel to a few of the places we both loved and had so many happy moments. As Romana always said, life is made of moments.

Romana was not a famous actress, author, poet or creative writer, artist or even an academic. She did not create a company, organisation, or anything which would make any real headlines. Romana was a daughter, sister and mother, and a good human being. However, she was so much more than all this, Romana was a genuinely special and truly good human being, always manifested a high sense of moral and ethic in private, which I have not seen among anyone in all my years. What is more, Romana was always making me feel I was her entire universe. Many women before Romana had for periods made me feel like this, but Romana let me always feel high in love.

Romana was also a queen to her sex, aesthetically blessed, Romana could act like an 18 years old girl, a silly girl, and playful naïve, but with the mind and experience of her real age, totally comfortable in her body and knowing her femininity and radiance. Romana could make every moment special, with constant surprises. I really never knew what she would be up to, she had her own mind and at times very mischievous.

Under different circumstances, Romana could have made a great contribution to Poland or to any society. Although Romana considered the job to be in charge of the Polish Institute in London (Portland Place), she decided against it when she realised the corruption involved. Further, we decided to spend more time in the South of France together – as always.

Romana found it difficult to understand, the Polish people in Poland, their outlook, and primitivism. How total unscrupulous they could act, mostly without moral and ethic, the many years under the communist, meant that stealing from the state was an accepted way of life. The Polish people’s attitude was so difficult for Romana to comprehend, as she had been living too long outside.

This to a great extend guided me in not getting involved in Poland. Also because, in my field of finance, understanding the language is a prerequisite, because, big money is made with contracts and business terms, which one truly has to master, e.g. in investment banking, insurance, and direct dealings with investors.

Having forecasted what would take place in Poland and indeed Russia, I do at times regret that I did not get involved, but then Romana and I would never have our good life. I can’t regret that, but as many people will confirm, I did predict a lot of things, including the all-out importance of the Internet, the huge potential of financial services in many countries.

We never left each other apart for long, only a few times. I still recall in February 2005, when Romana went to South Africa for 3 weeks to see her girlfriend Tina and other friends, I had a lot of work to see too. I was driving back from the airport, on the motorway, all the way with tears in my eyes, rolling down my chin, I just could not face Romana being so long time away, and it was awful for me. I felt lost without her.

It was so difficult to say goodbye to Romana at Nice airport, without showing my emotion. I knew Romana would not have gone if she really knew how bad I felt. Little, did I know, that only that Romana would leave me for good, just three years later.

This shows, we must live every day, we do not know what the next day will bring or what there is just around the corner.

I have written before, that Romana lived for me, but I also lived for Romana. Nothing was more important for us, from the morning rise to going to bed. Romana was not truly interested in jewellery, expensive clothing, and cars. She rarely went to a hairdresser, and when she mostly regretted. As for clothes, yes Romana loved shopping, but never at any price, neither was it really important.

As to jewellery, Romana like anything to dress with, but nothing expensive, as she always was concerned about losing it, moreover, she had the little jewellery she had left from her husband, seen it being stolen. Also knowing about jewellery, having worked a little for one of the most established secondhand jewellers in Bond Street, Romana knew their profit margins and the expensive ring did never reflect the true price.

Most men, I have advised through the years or were close to, always complained about their wives spending money, either on themselves, clothing, cars, or jewellery.  Romana did do none of them. A girlfriend of Romana would once a week spent nearly £500 at her hairdresser, in South Moulton Street. Romana could, but never did spend much on hairdressers, moreover, had any need to because as she believed most women needed some comfort going either with themselves or how they looked at themselves.

Romana was 100% comfortable in her skin. Romana went with a Polish girlfriend to Milan to shop for the weekend in September 2006, the girlfriend would spend close to a million euros, every year on clothes. Apart from having good food, wine, and lots of laughter, Romana found it rather absurd and boring, because she did not find her girlfriend was happy or joyful, spending hundreds of thousands, neither specifically cared much about the individual clothing. When Romana came back, she said, she did not want to do this again and much prefer our shopping in Como or San Remo with me, always showing each item, “like my own private model show” always smiling, even dancing.

Going shopping with Romana always turned out to be an enjoyment and a true experience. Romana would always make it a happy time, and one truly felt so good, even in the market, when Romana could have found a handbag for £10 or less. Although we paid hundreds of pounds/euros, even £750-1000 for certain handbags, Romana would have much more use of her cheap copy or “inspired” label bags. She preferred an inspired label bag. As to paying hundreds of pounds, this we did to people in Italy, who made the real bags.

I never forget the times Romana told me that she was shopping with a girlfriend in Bond Street, Romana placed a Louis Vuitton bag on the counter, a shop assistant started looking closer at the bag and even called a manager, and admired Romana’s handbag. Since our friend had supplied it, and the normal price was £3000 plus, Romana becomes concerned, but they pointed out all the original features of the bag and told her that this specific bag had not arrived in London before in some weeks.

The same thing happened once with a Dior bag in Bond Street. During the time we had regular promotion events in the galleries, Romana received nice bags from Redwall, the makers of Prada, Armani, and Moschino. And from France, also bags from Longchamps and Chanel. Redwall is the biggest manufacturer of handbags in Italy, making for many designers.

My memory of Romana enshrined in my heart forever; I still remember an extraordinary exhilaration, resting my head next to her heart and the soft sweet breasts, with the promise of unlimited happiness. I could rest, my careless, exhausted and fulfilled body there for hours and called it the “best place in the world”. Which it truly was for me to eternity.

The ambulance drives out just in front of me and indicates that we will turn into the motorway, at least the driver had not put sirens on, but driving very considered. Making it all easier for me to follow on. Not much traffic, this Easter Sunday night, as it was just after ten. Driving behind the ambulance, I had plenty of time to think and how many happy times we had driving on this motorway, either going away or coming home.

This motorway leads all along the French Cote D’Azure and Italian Liguria. Worried if we had all the required equipment in the villa, the nurse Evelyn had told me that everything had arrived, and I had seen myself some equipment came earlier when I was home for a shower and change of clothes. All this had been seen under the direction of Daniel.

Our son, Alexander had flown in at midday from China. Thanks to Lydia, we had prevented Daniel, now sitting in the ambulance, collecting Alexander in the airport. I did feel bad about this, because, Daniel after all would do anything to save his patient even for another day, week or month. He had asked me in the morning if we will agree to further surgery, as he believed that this would allow Romana a little longer. I knew Romana wanted to leave this life and therefore could not allow her more agony and pain.

I had already felt terrible when I last drove behind and following an ambulance, that was on Good Friday, just 48 hours earlier. I felt awful then, because, I had made a promise, to the woman of my life, my everything and soulmate Romana –

The promise I had made, was not to take her to hospital again, as her wish was to die at home in our bed. Looking at my passenger, sitting with pain in her face, I did not have the possibility, to share my thoughts. My passenger, Alexandra, was Romana’s older sister and she had spent all day in the hospital holding Romana’s hand. When I did not have the possibility, to tell Alexandra my thoughts, was because we could not understand each other apart from our facial expression.

Alexandra only spoke Polish and a little Russian, I only could pronounce tak and pinkie, yes and it is beautiful, so our communication was very limited. What was clear, both our faces showed sadness and anxiety as to both our big loss to come.

We had just turned off the motorway with our exit to La Turbie, just above Monaco, driving through the village, seeing no one around, not even in the restaurants, well it was Easter.

Turning left from the village, I saw a car coming from Monaco, My mind was

When Romana died, I was 66 years old and become 67 in June. I had spent more than a quarter of my life with a beautiful person, a soul mate, I had lived ……….days and my Romana had lived

Romana’s girlfriends:

Christina-Tina

Anna

Ann Music

Krytsna

Barbara (Tim’s wife)

Galina

Madeleine (Lady Hunt)

Ewa (Bogdan’s wife)

– Ella Heath

Barbara Hamilton (artist, Duke of Kent’s lover)

Roxandra

Rachel Burns

Graza – Brazilian

Barbara Diaa – Memmeningen

Georgina – Lady Colin Campbell

The actress, Claire, Players Company, helped with Action-Japan

Jasia- New York

Anna Hefferon

– Louisa Rutterford-Savilli

– Magarethe von der Schulenburg

Carol – California

Maria

Lydia

Ilse

Sharnaz

Barbara

LIST

1. Princess Margaret – a real princess, Romana’s glasses, the water and whiskey
2. My arms around Prince Albert in Hotel de Paris
3. Our many meals and tea at Stafford Hotel, the American Bar
4. Villa Les Anges, George and Lydia Lukomski, Laghet and the story of Princess Grace death in Jacques and Josette’s         garden
5. Getting Villa les Anges and our first visit
6. Cartier family and the building of the Villa Les Anges
7. Ayton Senna’s memorial service and what happened opposite us at the embassy.
8. The nightmare, when I woke at 1 on the 3 January 2007
9. Help for Poland the much work by Romana
10. Concerts in the Banqueting Hall, Westminster
11. Marek Drewnowski, the contract and all the problems
12. Visit to Geneva to hear him
13. Countess Tolstoy, dinner parties and fun
14. Barbara, Basia and Ian Hamilton, their birthday party and mine – Rulka
15. The Duke of Kent and Barbara, lovers
16. Ella Heath, Oxfordshire and Whitehall
17. Angela and Dame Gloria Hooper
18. Prince/King Karol of Romania
19. Lady Michele Renouf and Countess Tolstoy
20. Romana’s see through top at the gallery picture, with Princess Margaret
21. Alexander at Longleaf and our lunch there with him
22. Richard Stamps and his London Academy orchestra
23. Concerts in Smith Square
24. The Last Day
25. Our trip to Giddy Park in Devon
26. Chicago, our stay at Mayfair Regency the last week before they closed
27. New York Carlyle
28. When I did not realise that the car engine was running, down  from the St. Bernardino pass
29. Venezia, the great moments
30. The many Mayfair Garden parties
31. My 50th birthday in Baden Baden
32. our trips to Paris – many
33. Our drive and stay in Stresa going to collect Alexander
34. Glion
35. Lugarno and our many trips to Leopoldo
36. Zurich, Bau au Lac, Dolder and Kursnach stay
37. The hunts in France with Jean-Christophe
38. Fox-hunting in Chantille
39. Zarkopania, after Christmas,
40. Opole, the first visit, Wanda and Aunt Sophia
41. The charity event with Ester Ranzen and Ainsley Harriott on the 17 October 1998
42. Jeffrey Archer and our Paris dinner
43. Alan Sugar and Lord Astor’s place Cliveden
44. Our many trips to Mazury
45. Christmas Eve with the Generals
46. Christmas shopping in New York, the heat
47. Visits to South Africa
48. Birthday at the Dorchester
49. Our daily routine at Dorchester Spa, driving in the Range Rover
50. The surprise birthday party in Green Street
51. Alexander’s christening, the people and the death shortly after of ……………………..
52. Our first trip to Denmark and smoked herrings and aquavit
53. When we visited Copenhagen in 2003, after Elna’s 80^th
54. The American, his girlfriend dying, Paracelsus clinic, his place and Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt
55. My work as Chairman for the Westminster City Council’s appointed Residents’ Association of Mayfair, The Mayfair Trust and Mayfair Society.
56. Roman’s and Princess Margaret, the whiskey, water and the glass, Lady Glenconner
57. Our many exhibitions
58. Christmas parties (Dorchester, Claridges, Intercontinental, Four Season, Millennium Hotel.
59. Brazilians Ball
60. Lord Fawsley and the work with the Royal Commission of Fine Arts
61. Sitting at Guildhall at lunch next to Robert Maxwell (sitting on two chairs), on my right the Chinese professor from    Edinburgh
62. My curating more than 175 exhibitions in the years 1990- 1995
63. My contact with Margaret, dean of Central of St. Martins
64. Dr Ann Coxen, doctor to Dodi, the Sultan of Brunei and The Emir of Qatar, Romana’s girlfriend and doctor, Princess’ Baby
65. Romana’s love for wild strawberries
66. Marina Morrison-Atwater owns Corriere del Venoto, in Venezia
67. My arms around Prince Albert in Hotel de Paris
68. Villa Les Anges, George and Lydia Lukomski, Laghet and the story of Princess Grace death in Jacques and Josette’s  garden
69. Cartier family and the building of the Villa Les Anges
70. Georgina, Lady Campbell, her book about Diana and all her men, her advice to Romana about Romana making a  cookbook
71. The Duchess of Argyll, my conversation with Lord Forte
72. Our Dorchester daily visit to the Spa (Stallone, his  Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Goldberg,
73. Romana’s 40 surprise birthday party at the Dorchester  Club
74. Diana’s stepmother, Farm Street, our many events
75. Romana and my taxi trip and my statement to her “You are   not really my type!” going to Royal Thai
76. The Wilds restaurant and the people (Lord Sterling and  Llewellyn) and Corinne
77. The many Concerts in the Banqueting Hall, Westminster
78. Marek Drewnowski, his background with Lenard Bernstein
79. Countess Tolstoy, our dinners
80. Basia and Ian Hamilton, their birthday party and mine
81. Romana and I used to go to Café de Flore in the middle of Saint-Germain where the French philosophers Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir went every day for breakfast.
82. Sir Peter Tapsell and his wife Lady Gabrielle, Barbados
83. Richard Stamp’s and his orchestra Academy of London
84. Nightingale sang in Berkeley Square when I closed the party and listen to Vera Lyn
85. Ella Heath, her place in Whitehall and country
86. Angela and Dame Gloria Hooper
87. Prince/King Carol of Romania
88. Lady Michele Renouf
89. My daily walk next to Rudolf Nureyev property
90. Andrew Cavendish – Duke of Devonshire, Chatsworth
91. Alexander at Longleaf (Marquis of Bath) and our lunch there  with him
92. The Last Day
93. Our trip to Giddy Park Hotel in Devon
94. Chicago, meeting Bernard Madoff at the dinner New York Carlyle
95. When I did not realise that the car engine was running, down from the St. Bernardino pass, driving for 15-20 minutes Venezia, the many great moments and our many trips there
96. The many Mayfair Garden parties
97. Trips to all the many places in Europe
98. Action Japan Balls
99. Romana negotiation with the Board of Trade
100. The theft and break-in at Green Street
101. Trips to USA, Chicago and New York
102. My 50 years birthday in Baden Baden
103. Our trips to Paris – so many
104. Our drive and stay in Stresa going to collect Alexander in        Glion
105. Lugarno Hotel Leopoldo
106. Zurich, Bau au Lac, Dolder
107. The hunts in France, including with Colin Campbell and “King  Carole” Jack Daniels
108. Fox-hunting in Chantille
109. Zarkopania, after Christmas, the starting of the Range Rover,
110. Opole, the first visit, my cold
111. Our other visits to Opole and the grave
112. Wanda and Aunt Sophia
113. Our many trips to Mazury
114. Christmas Eve with the Generals, Roman’s without  underwear, just in her black dressmaker
115. Our love in the wet golden fields of Mazury
116. Christmas shopping in New York
117. Visits to South Africa
118. Birthday at the Dorchester
119. Our daily routine at Dorchester Spa
120. The surprise birthday party in Green Street
121. Alexander’s christening
122. Our trip to Denmark and smoke herrings and snaps, our visit to the wood and all the mosquitoes
123. When Prince Albert came to the villa
124. Laura and Prince Albert
125. Wanda’s funeral in Opole, Romana together with Sophia and Wanda’s husband.
126. Lydia and Romana
127. Lady Colin Campbell, Georgina
128. Lydia, her attraction for negative events, driving back with the car on the motorway, what happened.
129. Alexander’s time at Salem and his illness
130. Barbara Diaa, Memmemgen
131. Princess Ali Khan
132. June Bennett-Pilcher, Lady Mayfair
133. Mark Birley and Annabels
134. King Karol of Romania and our Jack Daniels hunt in France
135. Bryan Burroughs and Soho Society, the police corruption with William Moody (Bill) getting 12 years, 20 detectives sacked from the force and 11 imprisoned for 3, ironically Bill was placed in charge of the first major enquiries into police corruption in 1969. The whole squad run a protection racket in Soho.
136. Debo, the Duchess of Devonshire
137. Polo match, Prince Charles, the Sultan of Brunei, Romana   and the dress from Caroline Charles
138. Richard Rogers and the Royal Fine Art Commission
139. Royal Fine Art Commission
140. Madeleine and Peter Hunt, Russell
141. Tina, and Ali, the Benazir Bhutto
142. Lord Alistair McAlpine, Brook Street and
143. Lord Gowrie, Lord Fawsley all at The Art for Mayfair
144. The first MOBO Award at Hannover Grand in 1995?
145. The Reuben brother meeting, how he showed me his  company and personal wealth
146. Bahrain travel, the caviar and the flowers
147. South Africa 3 weeks in 2005
148. The auction at Sotheby, Margaret Thatcher, the watch
149. The Tibetan monk in Paracelsus
150. Meeting Edwin Moses in Zug and how he liked Romana
151. Rolf and Gloria 50th birthday party
152. Romana sang “Rock Your Baby” by George McRae, out loud in Pamela’s kitchen, Romana sang “Fuck Your  Baby
153. Alexander’s christening, the many people
154. Wargrave Tina and the pilot our special barbeque
155. Giuseppe and how becomes a friend
156. Surprise birthday party in Green Street, in Tina’s place
157. Romana’s 40 years birthday at the Dorchester Club
158. Romana saying she has blue blood, showing her blue vein on her so white skin.
159. We staying at Stanhope Hotel at Fifth Avenue in 1998  December in the rooms of Maria Callas, where she stayed in 1974 and Giuseppe did Stefano who had  separate rooms
160. Teatro La Fenice, fire in 1996 in Venice, shortly after our visit.

Romana’s Last Year

Min Romana, Mit Liv Que Sera, Sera!

 (The future is not ours to see), a song that Romana throughout the years loved and sang and danced to even when she knew she little time left. When Mark and Chris were leaving in late August 2007, with all the children, Romana played this on her CD, and we all danced to this song.

She was subject to the Restrain orders, but never formally charged, due to her illness and death

Romana faced her fate with courage, well believing that this was just a journey and she left to a better/other place 

I know now, that we must not be scared of death, it makes what makes life worth living as it is our journey. I have, thanks to Romana, witnesses that we are just on a journey and that there is far more beyond for our soul and spirit. This is Not the end of our journey

As of writing these lines, I ask to die in my sleep most night, not every night but most. I had a good life and experienced much true love and since Romana death, I have only been treading in water not seeing and valued life without her. Even, with Hanna, despite our physical relationship, and the many women I literary ploughed through, in my attempts to forget for a moment my grief, I did not have many wishes for living, reflected in my suicide attempts. For whatever reason, I have lost seeing my grandchildren growing up and I lost my sons a long time ago. Moreover, I can’t take any more pain that they confront me with just thinking of them.

Although I do not believe in purgatory in a Christian sense, nevertheless, I am now going through it for the last 38 month, possibly, since Romana’s death, as of writing for close to eight years. Even writing all this, I do believe that there still is a purpose for my life and reasons why I find myself again subject to injustice and misery. I had not learnt my lesson which was my remit.

Romana’s death took a great part of me away, but other parts of me became more liberated as I lost my fear of death. St. Augustine wrote that “it is only in the face of death that man’s self is born”. Montaigne said, “although the physicality of death destroys us, the idea of death saves us”.

For me, I believe death is just another transition on our journey like birth, one door opens and another close. Some reading these lines will say I have abandon realism in favour of wishful thinking, believe me not so, I have witnessed truly – believe me!

I heard yesterday about one of the bestselling books at the moment with the title Dead is Dead, Or When You are Dead your Dead.

Romana inspired so many with the way that she came to terms with her illness and facing her death. Romana had the courage to laugh every day in the face of death. She would indirectly show like saying brazened, I do not want anyone to think or say that I am fighting a battle with my illness, I bore it bravely, and I am not fighting, losing, winning or bearing. If I had ever had entered into an issue with her, she would have stated that for sure, as she did not like any fuss made around her. Sadly she had to accept my gloomy face and mind, something I am deeply sorry for.

Romana still managed to sparkle most days and took care of her clothes, make-up and looks, covering up her own realisation of what had so gruel happened to her model figure, having lost so much weight. Romana full breast had been reduced like a woman who suffered from anorexia, but she still had the long legs, thinner, but legs as a model, such a thin model which has far too long been in fashion and cover fashion magazines and billboards.

After the first operation, Romana started speaking about “the Light” and that most days she tried to stay close to the light. Just weeks before her death, she complained to Evelyn, our nurse, that she had lost the light. But the light came back. She called her brain tumours ‘the Flintstones’. She often made reference to that they should go to another planet, where they came from.

The light came back and leads her on her way, in a certain comfort to her. Because, this light was constantly, a concern, I started searching the Internet and also spoke to Bernadette, our friend and secretary (as to French) at times. She told me about Dr Melvin L. Morse and his research into NDE (near-death experiences). I made contact with him in the USA and we exchanged emails and told him about Romana experience. I ordered one of his books about the Light, which gave me a lot of thoughts as to his observation and research, all based on children who died for moments. Speaking to these children, shortly after their recovery, he found most of them could tell him a similar “story”. These children had not spoken to anyone, and therefore could not have coordinated their experiences, nor have read about such experiences. Although he knew Sylvia Browne at the time, he never told me about her, and I first found her in Wormwood Scrubs.

How can I begin to write about my dearest, my love Romana, words could never do her justice. Our life, joy was every day steering in my face. Our love, life completeness with the path to eternity.

The Flintstones, Romana’s constant reference to them living far always and had come to enter her brain, she said she wanted them to leave and go back to where they came from in the outer universe.

Love is Life’s Greatest Treasure

As to My Romana, how can I even begin to write about my dearest, my beloved Romana, words could never do her justice. I never thought that Romana was a knock out beauty when I met her. Her real beauty, first after days, weeks and month came to me, the angelic and real true beauty came from her inner. Romana was an honour to her sex, so special and I was so fortunate to have known her. Romana infused my mind with decency and positivity.

Love is life’s greatest treasure, and I was blessed with this treasure by loving and being loved by a so special human being – Romana. I loved everything about Romana. I loved being loved by her, the thousands of glorious memories. She was a passionate vivacious, witty and always gorgeous woman. Romana was a truly knock-out lady, loved life and created such special feelings around her, like an aura. When Romana was steering death in the face, she was a winner, but she “may” die in the process.

I have in the last few years often felt purposeless, even though I know I am still here for a reason. Today with time on my hand, there is something about having time to reflect and revisit events of the past. I have felt the pain of all lives and losses of which I had been a part, more so with the Love of my life Romana. I have witnessed and come to realise that death does not exist, speaking spiritually and symbolically, the reality of death on the physical level is all too real.

With Romana’s openness and acceptance of her situation, we shared the anticipatory grief somehow together; it was the grief of parting, like leaving for a long journey, not ever again sure if we would see each other again. I was never cheerful in most part of my life and time, but during Romana’s illness, I became even more depressive and that was obvious to everyone. Somehow, the chock on the 3rd of January never left me. Therefore, my grief, sadly if I had known what I experienced at Romana’s death, I would not have been so grief-stricken during those 15 months, moreover, I could have truly been some comfort Romana and feel better about what would happen later.

I should write – not an autobiography or tedious dairy but a collage of recollections and reminiscences. There is so many odd experiences in my life with alarming regularity and poignancy, which I now have amble moments to reflect on. I do wish to pay tribute to the memory of Romana; I am greatly indebted to Romana for the light and ultimately witnessing her last journey and transition.

I have been detached from life most of the times since Romana’s death and more so now, in this place of misery. I seek refuge in yesteryears. In fact, since My Romana’s death, I have lived in the prison of the past. All the beautiful memories I have with Romana can’t or should not be mentioned with the words prison, because of its negativity, and everything I experienced with my Romana were positive and beautiful.

I see my life as from great altitude, as a sort of landscape, and with a deepening sense of the connection of all its parts.

At times, in fact, I feel intensively alive, and I want and wish to find the strength to achieve new levels of understanding and insight, trying to straighten my accounts with my family and the world.

I know my day has reached the sunset and I am on the way from this life. Having witnessed many family members, friends and acquaintances die, each dies, and felt the tearing away of part of myself, with the greatest chunk when Romana departed.

There will be no one like us when we are gone but then there is no one like anyone else, ever. When people die and leave this place, they cannot be replaced. They leave holes that cannot be filled, for it is the fate – genetic and neutral fate – of every human being to be a unique individual, to find his own path, to live his own life, to die his own death.

Of everything, I believe that the only real failure – is not to have tried.

A possible shameful admission

Although, I have expressed many times that the events in Denmark, changed me greatly, suffering severe depression, PTSD, and worst my belief in myself. I am ashamed that Romana had to take so much of this, not that I bothered her with all the gory details of my depressions, nor what happened during the 309 days of solitary confinement. For some obvious reason, it was really a subject never talked about.

Romana was a sunshine from the moment her eyes opened, with her first look at me with a smile, a smile all over her face, in her eyes and in all her expression. Therefore, I was right from the morning surrounded by the warmth of this beautiful human being, like I was wrapped in a protected cloth and nothing would hurt me. On reflection, Romana carried the Holy light and that always gives me comfort.

Prior to the events in Denmark, I was not a happy person, In fact, my Mother used to tell me even when I was 18 and later, that people who saw me in the street, thought that I was an arrogant person, never smiling and mostly ignoring them. I told my Mother that was partly due to the fact that I could not see them, as I did not wear my spectacles. Sometimes, even a stranger, mostly women would advise me to cheer up.

I was not, I should emphasise, an unhappy person either, prior to the events in Denmark. I still love to laugh, I think I am pretty much like most people, with moods that shift and transform.  Sometimes, I was happy, sometimes mostly sad and it was this kind of personality that My Romana had to cope with through all the years.

Romana always expressed her total security in me and so many times said to me “I have no fear about tomorrow, as I know you will always do something to solve the situation and can always make enough money. Romana said until I met you, “I always had been surrounded by insecurity but you gave me security”.

Such a statement from Romana meant so much to me, because inside, I felt so disappointed with myself, had fears and many regrets. The fact that My Romana believed in my abilities always gave me great comfort.

The sadness in me did cause problems when Romana had her “downs” once a month, that was difficult, as Romana, pointed out to me, that the fact that I was unable to help her up when she was down, did affect her at times, because she had to muster so much more positivity just to get us both out of the deep whole.

I do feel ashamed, that my depression and sadness must have been difficult for Romana, at times, as she had this great open personality, at times like a young foolish girl, at other time more mature than her real age.  A maturity, which I first now have gained at my age, to see my fellow humans, as they really are and look through all their disguises. Romana had by her intuition such ability to measures up and access people.

Although, she could be blinded by some girlfriend, for a time, girlfriends who just sucked on to Romana’s energy and life. However, she always found out at the end sooner or later, and immediately realised to distant herself and me from such people.

I specific recall Romana’s clarity in December, the month before her brain seizure. We had been in Poland to the funeral of Wanda, her aunt. Prior to leaving Monaco, Romana had made up her mind to slowly disassociate with Lydia, her girlfriend living practically next door with her boyfriend, Nicholas, who both Romana and I liked and his two children, Charley and Alexander. Romana and Lydia spoke every day on the phone, but Romana had concluded that Lydia represented so much negativity, that when we had re-developed the villa, we intended to stay away for at least 6-9 month in 2007. This would provide an opportunity for Romana to keep her distance from Lydia.

As to Poland, after staying with Michael and Basia, Romana said, this is the last time we come to Poland and see these people, they have so bad energy both of them and we must never again stay with them or get close to them, they are bad. Interesting, it took Romana many years to realise this, since these people were very close to us during all the years. It was normal that when we left Warsaw, Romana said never again being surrounded with so much hate and evil, this family destroy itself, referring to the Nivette family.

Romana had concluded in early December 2006, that we had everything and we should focus totally on each other and not allow all this negativity, surrounding us, including most friends in Monaco and around to get close to us. After all, when the villa had been redeveloped, there was absolutely nothing more we both wanted, only being close to each other and enjoy what we already had. Enjoy our large garden/park and the seasons.

Sadly, less than a month later My dearest Romana became fatal ill, and my life started the beginning to the end, to a place on its way, which included the purgatory I daily live in.

Happiness, we are confidently assured, is the objective of life and it is something we “get” by working hard, shopping, playing and exercising our part in the drama of late capitalism. Because capitalism loves the goal of happiness – since it can offer endless products that will promise it. When they fail to do so, it can offer alternative products which make an identical promise. And so on. Commerce thrives on unhappiness. You’d be happy if you were thin enough, fit enough, drive this car, travel to this place, entertained enough – and here is the product for you.

Except, all these products do not give you the ultimate happiness. Like money can’t buy you, love. No doubt that happiness is good for you and for those around you – and there is not greater favour you can do for loves ones than show them your happiness. I did feel many times ashamed when I could not show that to My Romana. I tried and many times overcame myself, just to feel totally happy, and I did have such moments, in fact so many looking back today. Sometimes, happiness, which is relative and can’t be measured, is, therefore, something we first like I now can look back on reflect on, also in a relative sense, specifically at the moment of writing.

Even in this purgatory, I can be happy at times, in fact telling myself all the things in life I should thank my Creator for, and there truly are so many things. We all should write down all such things to remind us every day. I wish I could be happier, but I just do not think it’s a very real possibility. Practically every day, I have my dark moments, where, if it was not for the bad karma surrounding me, I would kill myself.  As I have expressed before, I even cut out from the Guardian pictures of all the misery and evil around, wanting to make a large collage, just to remind me of “how well off, I really am”, just terrible.

The daily parade of disaster on the news is sobering enough. The downer of my status quo, my mortality, even living without My Romana and fear for really old age and sickness possible dementia or worse. I do not fear death at all and still most night pray not to wake up. But unfortunately, My Creator does not hear my prayers, but for me dying would be such happiness right now. I have no sons, no grandchildren and Romana is no longer here, even I have no Family!!

(Although, most of the day I listen to classic music, I am now listen to Smooth Radio and they play George McRae singing Rock Your Baby – Woman take me into your arms….. Romana told me that when she first came to London, she did not understand much English and standing one day in the kitchen of Pamela, they was playing this music and Romana, was singing “Fuck me Baby” just as Alfred, Pamela’s husband came into the kitchen” Romana, thought that this was George McRae was singing). Obviously, Pamela told her the correct text.

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The dysfunctional status of human institution, their injustices and our evil to each other can only add to the state of an old man mind. The difficulties of human communication, even with our closest and loved ones, produce as much isolation as the connection. The corruption and venality of the powerful are daily reminders of the ubiquitous nature of injustice.

I think we can find happiness through good work, this is also an ideology. I am as likely to be disappointed by doing the right thing, as I am elevated. The secret truth is that being unselfish can leave you just as empty as being selfish. Not that I am not advocating being selfish.

There is somewhat, a depressing observation for me, it does appear that “the happiness of stupid people”.  Anyone intelligent and sensitive and thoughtful cannot look at the world and themselves without some inkling that everything, although strange and remarkable, is not always awesome. Anyway, the light relies on the dark exist.

Finally, as to happiness, I believe that we as human somehow can be easier happy, if we realise and accept our status quo and most of all our limits and console ourselves with what we have. I have always said that the true working classes of society are most happy, even in the old days infidelity was far more prevalent among working people than in the upper classes. This could be argued as to my previous statement as to “the happiness of stupid people”.

 I know, that is terrible to console oneself with the truth, that we have limits. It even worse, when I believe and tell all young people, there is no limits to what you can be in life or what you can change in this world. Somehow, both these observations are conflicting, but I still want this statement to remain. Because, I believe truly that all children should be taught, that there are no limits to what they can archive.

A pat on my back from My Romana, she told me so many times during her last 15 months, “I had a good life and you gave me the best years of my life, full of happiness and love” That statement, warm my heart every day! In this cold and dark cell.

Our LOVE

Romana always showed me so much thoughtfulness and consideration, apart from her devoted love, Romana gave me all the respect anyone can give another person. Many women had previously bestowed on me, such consideration and respect, but none that I admired and loved like Romana.

If one listens to the singing duo of La Boheme, Act 1 “O Soave fanciulla” the end singing in duo – amore. That was what we had throughout the years, moments, hours and days together in total harmony and love. Harmony and true togetherness.

Romana and the kitchen

Romana relaxed in the kitchen, she told me very early, that when she had some thoughts on her mind, she would go to the kitchen and cook and bake. Before we met, she could even get up at night, go to the kitchen, and cook something, anything. This seemed to focus her mind, and I did find that sometimes, during the day, she certainly started “big cooking or baking”, without sharing what was on the mind, before later when I questioned her.

Whereas I always have a problem with burning what I am cooking, everything and have truly to watch, Romana never burned anything and she had a knack for cooking and dishes. Romana liked cooking for me because she knew I appreciated all her dishes. She never felt that Alexander enjoyed any food, apart from when he was a small child, all the obvious children dishes. Apparently, Angus did not go much into foods, and did not really show any appreciation; food for him was just energy to live.

Romana and I loved food, we enjoyed going specific to restaurants for the food and wine. We would discuss the dishes, and many times would speak to the chef and ask for details as to the various preparations and cooking. In London, when the first Lebanese restaurants open, all the many chefs, did not wish to part with any cooking secrets, however, Romana used to get some of them. Thereafter, she would make the dish, always going to the right places to get proper herbs and spices. We went regularly to the Chinese supermarket in Soho, the Lebanese supermarket of Edgware Road. Romana went to a place with Tina and Ali to buy Pakistani spices and had copied Ali’s chicken.

Later when we went to South Africa, Romana loved that she could buy so many special herbs and spices in the Malay area of Cape Town. It was a dangerous area, so I waited in the car outside with the engine running, so Romana could just run and we took off.

Since all these herbs and spices provided for a year or longer colour and flavour, the ingredients made us believe, we were eating in Malaysia or some exotic place.  When Romana cooked such dishes, it was always for us; we loved the food, the wines and the company and did not really need anyone around to take the enjoyment away.

For many years, even before I met Romana, I had been eating at Al Hambra, in Shepherd Market Mayfair. I knew the owner Alexander, who delivered food to the Saudi, with the embassy less than 100 meters away. Romana and I were eating regularly in Al Hambra and received a very good service. Alexander had at times more than 20 chefs working downstairs; even it was a small restaurant. We loved the Turkish cuisine mixed with the Lebanese, a little French and Mediterranean.

We always received the best table available that was important because many times, the place was so full and people were waiting outside.

Once the restaurants was closed for outsiders. Considering Romana and I saw several Saudi security people with small machine guns standing around, and surprise that such was allowed, when Alexander saw us, he took us to a table in the middle of the restaurant and told us, that it was only because it was us otherwise, he would not allow anyone in. Along with the window to …….               sad a long line of beautiful young women, all in different clothes and with a different skin. All sitting with their elbows on the table showing “up in the face” the jewellery which crowned their arms, hands, neck, fingers and even the head. They were after all, all princess. On the other side along the windows, sad only men dressed most of them in traditional Arab clothing. Apparently, they were all princess. Both the women and the men were speaking in Arabic, so we could not understand a word.

So there we had a meal, among all this wealth! We did have many memorial meals in Al Hambra; sometimes we did take other people there. However, from 1987 -1998, I and later Romana and I had become several times a month customer. The food was never boring, with the fresh vegetables always immediately on the table and everything freshly cooked downstairs. We did for ease go to Marouch in Edgeware Road, when he first opened. We like to just sit at the bar or we ordered take always.

La Reserve

Immediately after Roman’s first operation in Nice at Pasteur Hospital on 12 January 2007, I decided to take Romana to La Reserve, the 5-star de-luxe hotel in Beaulieu, after Romana’s recovery in the hospital.

Our stay at the La Reserve, was most days not that private, as Romana’s sister’s son Mirek flew down and Alexander and Marie Claire came regularly, so did many friends, who had stayed away from the hospital, apart from a brief visit. Many people do not like hospitals; therefore, this gave them all an opportunity to see Romana. So many came for a drink to the hotel, despite, it was a little too early for Romana, but she never showed and always just was smiling, but I knew when I took the odd photo, that Romana must have felt awful.

I regret today, and after Roman’s death that I did not video and take more photographs. I should have like many more video, but I felt bad about taking these, in front of Romana, there was to me something which did hold me back in doing this. I can’t explain, but it appeared a little selfish for me to take such video and pictures, which did not mean anything to Romana. But, I truly regret that I did not have overcome myself to do this, as I can’t get enough of anything of Romana and our moments captured in films. It is like Romana’s beautiful hair. Even that Romana’s body was lying next to me in our big bed, for two days, I never thought or could get myself to cut a piece of her hair. I do not know why, I should truly have liked some of her hair, and later when I found a brush with some of her hair, I tried to gather it.

I believe witnessing her death, really gave me another view on all this and I somehow could not get myself to take anything from her dead body. Even, when I decided to photograph her dead body, I felt a little bad, but they have asked me to, so I could send the pictures.

Paris/Feb 2007

In February we went to Paris to see one of the world’s most renowned experts on brain tumours, Professor J. Y. DeLattre, Head of Neurologie Marazin at Hospitalier Groupe Pitie-Salpretriere. This professor was present when they brought Princess Diana’s body to the hospital after the car accident.

I was concerned travelling with Romana alone; nevertheless, she appeared better and was able to function.

Our flight to Paris went relative well, but that was not the case when we were going back to Nice, as the Charles de Gaulle airport had a bomb alarm and Romana was separated from me when the alarm was called. Romana was sitting in an area of the airport where it was possible to smoke, at a cafe, with our trolley and bags. I had gone to speak to an official, as there appeared to be some confusion as to the flight. Obviously, this was due to the eminent bomb threat, but no one knew at the time. Therefore, when the alarm went I was first ordered and then taken outside the building with everybody and the various part of the large building was segregate with police and official running all around in great panic. This panic also grabbed me because Romana was alone and could be easily a little agitated if something around certainly changed. I did try to let my concern be known to various people who appeared to be directing the operation but in vain.

I felt very frustrated and started imagining the worst, as everyone expected a bomb to go off and knowing that Romana first would ignore anyone telling her to get out, I become very worried with fear for my Romana and blamed myself for not travelling with a nurse or helper, and that I should never have left Romana alone. But all my concern and dreadful thoughts were soon to be in vain since Romana had been evacuated and there was no bomb and appeared very cram and in control when I saw her.

When we normally went to Paris, we stayed in a range of hotels from George V, The Lancaster to small boutique hotels in St. Germaine, like Le Hotel. During the time that Romana had a special discount card, allowing us up to 60-70% reduction in the cost of hotel rooms, we stayed in various 4-5 stars hotel, depending upon their offer. This time I found a new very small hotel, which looked more like a private villa close to St. Pettipierre hospital. During our stay, we did not go anywhere outside the hotel, except I went shopping for a few items including some drinks. Romana stayed in the hotel, did not eat much and only had wine and smoking.

Smoking

Interestingly, Romana had not smoked for most of the years I had known her. Shortly after we met, she said one day to me, how could you ever kiss a woman who smokes and I told her it was like kissing an ashtray, not quite true, nevertheless, I did not like smoking. I had noticed when I was younger that it can be quite sexy to see a beautiful woman smoke the way she exhales and hold the cigarette, have long manicured hands, also how she sits, e.g. like Monica Lake and Marlene Dietrich. But I must admit I did not like Romana smoking, the various times she did, although she made a great effort not to kiss me and clean her mouth after every cigarette and never did let her hair smell of smoke. Further, Romana never smoked in the bedroom and in the villa, most of the time went outside when she smoked. Considering that Romana always smelled so feminine and never sweat, and I am a non-smoker I am always very conscious of smells. She managed to at least never smell of smoke somehow. However, I must say – her smoking I did not like, but made no fuss when she was dying.

There had been a three specific period when Romana smoked, one in Green Street caused by her girlfriend Anna Prior (Bornholt) breaking up with her husband. Anna came many mornings with a bottle of Champaign and smoked like a trooper, so Romana joined her after a while. That took nearly a year for Romana to stop and later at the villa, in 2002 when Romana had thyroid cancer and when Romana had the brain tumours, she took to smoking. She would only smoke less than half of the cigarette and insisted on me buying the thin and long Cartier and Capri cigarette.

March 2007/ – The operation on the 14^th March 2007

Returning to the villa and after a visit to a scan (SRM) in Monaco, the doctors could see a tumour with a diameter of 6cm inside Romana’s brain, not visual at all on her head. One day we had been in Nice shopping after the visit to the hospital, Romana had to see the latest from Zara in Nice, although she did not buy much. What we did buy was a large amount of various cosmetic and an expensive wig made of real hair (£400), Romana never used this wig and it never became necessary for Romana to wear a wig, only at the birthday celebration for our friends in Switzerland in September, when Romana was a Chinese. So one could not see anything from the first operation and neither that Romana in the beginning of March had a large tumour of the size of a tennis ball in her brain – just nothing.

The days was most dramatic and traumatic in early March, as they ordered Romana into the hospital on the 2 March more than a week before the operation, which even was delayed a few days. The odds were not good that Romana would wake up after the operation.

I stayed at the hospital next to Romana every night before and after the operation on the 14 of March.  Another bed was placed directly next to Romana’s in the single bedroom, and I slept there for 11 days and Alexander stayed one night with his mother.

After the operation and a few days in intensive care, Romana came back to the department to recover and I stayed with her for a week in the hospital going back to the villa during the day and bringing her special food from home, food cooked by a girlfriend who had flown in from South Africa.

Many times returning I would find Romana sitting in the window, all open, smoking. Always in good spirit with a compliment to the nurses. There were also many visitors daily to see Romana and her two doctors looked in. We both had close to a German doctor Daniel von Langsdorff and his family. He liked Romana very much and took special care of her every day a very conscientious and considered human being.

The nurses treated Romana with great consideration and care, Romana tipped them from time to time and pointed them out to me, when we were served breakfast in the morning. I regularly gave a small present to some of the nurses and since Easter was coming, I purchased special large Easter eggs for all the nurses, in fact, I spent nearly a thousand Euro on chocolate for the department, but it was well worth it, they took good care of my Romana. I still recall waking up to laughter next to Romana, with a nurse serving breakfast to us. One would think that it was me who was ill, because of my doom and gloom, Romana saw my tears many times in the evenings before sleeping. As usual, she assured me that she was happy and that she had a good life and the crown and glory was the years we had together, they meant everything to her and she thanked me, I feeling worse, because I should thank her, she was everything to me.

My cousin and her husband had flown in from Denmark and …… had arrived from South Africa to visit Romana. Since it was a very serious operation and Daniel Von Langsdorf thought, it would be all right, I got permission to take Romana home for lunch and the afternoon on Sunday (9th March) where ……… had cooked a temperate meal for all of us, but specifically Romana who she loved.

Romana was moving around in a wheelchair and truly enjoyed the Champagne and all her friends, laughing and smiling all the time, showing her beautiful mind and person among us all that day as always – an opening to her soul.

Romana and marriage

After Roman’s death, I have become somewhat ashamed that I was unable to marry Romana during her 15 months of illness, ashamed because, I should have done more to get divorced. I knew it would be a fight, especially with Mark, and I was too weak to take this on with my depression and pre grieving. Just too weak, nevertheless, I do feel ashamed.

My Dear Romana was one day sitting with me and Sharnaz outside on the veranda, and Sharnaz pressed Romana and me that we must get married, knowing that Romana was dying. Romana saved me as always and said. Mogens has been looking in the jewellery shops in Monaco and there is not any diamond big enough for me. Well, I did feel bad knowing the truth, which Romana not really knew, because I could not marry her.

Even Bernadette spoke to me about it and said we really must be married.

Through all the years, Romana did not want to change our relationship, because she felt as I it was complete. She always quoted various people who had got married after many years together and then shortly after broke up.

Lord Byron in Don Juan III: 5 say: 

“Tis melancholy, and fearful significant

Of human frailty, folly, also crime,

That love and marriage rarely can combine,

Although they both are born in the same clime,

Marriage and love, like vinegar from wine –

A sad, sour, sober beverage – by time

Is sharpen’d from its high celestial flavour

Down to a very homely household savour.

Lord Byron’s humour lies in the cynicism, and in his claim that what is admirable before marriage becomes ridiculous afterwards, so the passion of a lover is risible in a husband because it suggests excessive devotion to his wife.  He claims that it is surely impossible to admire the same things for ever.

Her I disagree with Lord Byron, I did admire Romana and my admiration grew by the days, months and years together, I frankly worshipped her. Finally, at her 15 months fight facing death. With my admiration for Romana, I also became more devoted, this to some extent affected my relationship with many, outside us two, including Alexander and some of Roman’s girlfriends, who sucked her spirit at times. During Romana’s illness, I acted far too harsh towards Alexander at times, but I thought that Marie Claire would help to explain, but perhaps both were too young to see my side of it.

Romana could have been a woman of substance in any society

Our Doctors and Friends

Dr Daniel von Langsdorf, Dr Philippe Scemama and Professor Paquis

Romana had such a special relationship with her doctors; she had become very close to Philippe Scemama our family doctor after him “gave her life” with finding the thyroid tumour in 2002. Later on with Dr von Langsdorf, both Romana and I got close to him and his wife and children. I continued after the death of Romana to be close to the family and saw them many time letting them stay in the villa. Sadly, with Hanna I abandon the contact. “Gave her life” with finding the thyroid tumour in 2002. Later on with Dr von Langsdorf, both Romana and I got close to him and his wife and children. I continued after the death of Romana to be close to the family and saw them many time letting them stay in the villa. Sadly, with Hanna I abandon the contact when we moved north

Paracelsus/St. Gallen

We first heard about Paracelsus clinic at a dinner party in St. Tropez in September 2006, when an American told us about his wife, who he had only been married to for one year, she was at the time at the clinic. Described by others at the party as a most beautiful young woman full of life.

He lost his first wife some years earlier after they had just purchased a castle close to Ix-en-Provence. They had five children together. So after his bereavement having lost his wife, he met a year later this beautiful young French woman who was loved by his five children. He never thought we would experience love again. After being married for one year his new wife was found to have a brain tumour. They had contacted the best authority in France for advice that was the professor who Romana and I later consulted in Paris. This professor recommended   a clinic for alternative treatment near St. Fallen in Switzerland. So his wife received regular treatment there, at the time for nearly a year, when her prognoses had been only to live for months.

He also told me that he had rented another of his properties to Angela Jolie and Brat Pit, which appear they now have purchased, he knew them both well and their children played together.

When Romana had her second operation, I contacted this American and he told me about the name of the Paracelsus and gave me all the contact numbers. Although, I again spoke to him and exchanged emails, I do not know what happened to his wife; neither did I tell him about Romana’s fate.

Romana and I travelled in early June 2007 to the clinic, staying in St. Gallen and the Einstein Hotel. We returned ten days later when Romana was treated there for nearly three weeks. We stayed in Appenzell in an exclusive family hotel on the famous square. We had taken our dog Amey with us and she gave me company during the day Romana was at the clinic.

During our stay in St. Gallen at Paracelsus clinic, Romana dressed every day to shine her femininity upon the gloom surrounding most of the patients, most facing early death. You could always hear her laughter around the clinic lifting the spirit of many of the visiting patients and the nursing staff. It was a daily delight to hear everybody speak about Romana, she was so special.

Prior to going to St. Gallen and Paracelsus, Romana received chemotherapy at Princess Grace Hospital in Monaco, where she daily had fun with the staff, who she gave various names. Some of these staff members told me that “Romana make our day” and always give us lots of laughter. She literally made everything sparkle around her, with her looks, humour and optimism. The staff truly loved her and expressed this by their actions and words.

During one of our stay long stay (3 weeks) in Appenzell, Romana dressed beautiful for every dinner, came back to the hotel from a very demanding day at the clinic, changed clothes for dinner. Romana did that for me, because she knew I liked dinner, although, Romana could not really eat. Despite this, Romana would express to me that she enjoyed the good cuisine and wine.

Outward she never showed emotions or complained as to the horrendous treatment she had undergone that day, only her smiling face and compliments to the hotel chef, staff and the owners, yes and to the guest. So typical of her. Romana had a gruelling agenda every day at the clinic, getting up early, shower, prepare her clothes, make-up and taking her considerable amount of medication before going to breakfast with me, mostly just to keep me company, always asking if she looked alright.

Romana always considered me from the first days after we met and look out for me in everything putting me first. I was her greatest priority and devotion until she could no more, the last weeks in March 2008.

Because Romana was shining at the clinic, so many patients from all over the world came up to us. Some we shared dinners with and kept in contact with by telephone and emails. Two specific people, two women came close to us, Gloria from Mexico and Julia from USA. Gloria husband owned medical clinics all over Mexico and she travelled once a year to St. Gallen. Her husband and she considered Paracelsus as the best clinic in the world for alternative medicine. Both Gloria and Julia credited the clinic for being alive as they both suffered from fatal cancer. They both regularly telephoned Romana from USA and Mexico, carrying out telephone conversations for hours, all I could hear was a continuous laughter coming from Romana, with lots of girl talk. At times Romana sounded as a 16-year-old girl.

Romana was the most important person in my life, the most decent human being I have met in all my adult life. She had a high moral and ethical. Her person inspired me every day.

There is no doubt that Romana’s true character flourish during her last 15 months, fighting her brain tumours, her daily attitude to her body, her pain and suffering did not reflect her shining upon everything. She always appeared light-hearted and thankful. Thankful for her life and thankful for everything, even for small things. When she showed gratitude to the nurse or cleaners, she thanked them from her heart and with sincerity. Always looking for small presents to give staff at home and at the clinic. We went several times just shopping for something to give them including to our most cherish nurse, who took so care of Romana.

Hotel de Paris/December 2007

Her humour was evident at so many moments, like in December 2007, just months away from her death, one later afternoon we were at Hotel de Paris with her sister Alexandria and her son Mirek. We gathered around a small table in the great gypsy band was playing. The hall beautiful decorated with one huge decoration for Christmas and exclusive and sumptuous setting all reflecting the season spirit.

Therefore, we were four people sitting down, having a cocktail drink. Several guests shouted a greeting across the room or came over to say hello.  A friend, John, who created the annual International Music Award in Monaco, seen on television the world over, saw us from another table and came over to greet us, specifically Romana. Kissing her and holding her hand he said. “I am surprised to see you”. Romana immediately replied. “I am surprised to see myself here!” just laughing, so typical.

John is a rather interesting person, who got the original idea about holding the World Music Award, which brought a lot to the Monaco reputations. However, in the later years, he had some terrible things happening; partly his attractive wife took too much cocaine. He had witness his wife speaking at a public event, saying to the Prince Albert and the audience that she had been fucked and made love to by so many men in the room including the Prince; she could not count the men. A most embarrassing occasion, which was “entre nous”. This event meant that John moved his Annual Music Award to USA for some years, until the Prince asked him to bring it back to Monaco. John knew about Romana was dying and was truly surprised see her at Hotel de Paris. We had known him for years; he used to walk from Monte Carlo to Laghet the monastery every Sunday, quite a long walk up the mountain taking hours. He knew about the miracles from Laghet and had taken Olivia Newton-John, the singer there, who believed her breast cancer had been cured due to Laghet. She came every year to Monaco to go to Laghet.

Romana’s Worry

Whereas, I constantly was gloomy and could not hide my tears, despite I tried hard to do so, Romana consoled me by telling about the beautiful life and moments we had enjoyed together for which we both should be thankful. I felt so bad  and did truly tried to hide my silent tears, the seizure on the 3^rd January  had been a choking experience and I did take too much medication and drunk too much every day, all making it worse.

Romana’s greatest worry and concern, apart about her son and what was going to become of him, what was going to happen to me after her death? She continuously said to me:”You must not look for women in Monaco, South of France or London, you must go east, go to Russia, Ukraine and Poland. Do not take the Iranian and French or German women, we knew many. You deserve women who will put you first, not bully you”. Romana always considered me a big “soft bear” and that Elizabeth, my wife, had been able for years to bully me, through the years before the event in Denmark. She witnesses my son’s emotional blackmail, my pain of not seeing my grandchildren and supported me every moment, by creating a positive atmosphere around.

In late June 2008, three months after Romana’s death, 14 women and one man, Karl Frederick, took me to the Royal Auto mobile Club in Monaco for lunch, only three of the women, had their man and one was Karl Frederick wife, Sharnaz and Ilse. All the others, very wealthy and most available for a man by their side.

Romana told her girlfriends, including Lydia and Tina, to look to that I went to the East to find women. She did not trust my sons, Mark specifically and was worried about his dark and complex personality and how this could affect my future life, She was concerned about the villa and spend hours alone with Mark in our bedroom speaking to him alone.

Romana was not worried as to the case in London because she knew the truth and expected Pamela’s lies to be exposed, even before any trial. Romana and I did never think for a moment that it ended with years of injustice.

She expressed her view as to Pamela to Morag Rea and the barrister Ian Winter QC, when they visited us in July 2007. Romana told them that Pamela always took the last persons views and was a born actor; she had to be because of her situation after the war with a child. Further, when she started drinking with her husband Alfred and every day had to cover up her addiction. When I was arrested in December, just flying in for the day to London, I did not tell her about my arrest and that I was taken to Pentonville prison before my legal team got me free.

Romana had this sixth sense and could read people with great wisdom, she had a natural intuition and despite she looked at the positive side of people, she was quite aware of their hidden motives and actions.

Through the years together, she regularly warned me so many times about getting involved with several people, including Pamela initially and many time during the years helping Pamela.

Growing up in the shadow of the Communism and all its misery, Romana had learned early in life in Poland with the communist regime, seeing people’s bad side and their weaknesses, in power and with money. Interestingly she somewhat feared authorities and systems, public administration and justice. Once when we considered her to stand as a councillor at Westminster City Council, she expressed her concern as being a politician and a public person, since Romana could not be an artificial person and a liar. No, Romana did not lie; nor could she deal with lies, she was an open and warm human being.

My life ended when Romana left this world, so therefore, I am more than half-dead and my soul is mortally wounded. After my suicide attempt in September 2012, I decided to clear Romana and my name, Romana was indirectly charged and under retrain. Her son Alexander was charged and the case thrown out of court as he also was innocent. I did not know about the in absentia trial. 

Through the years, only some of my sons wanted me to go to England to deal with the case and the in absentia trial, but others did not think their father should go through hell his last years, as I of all people should know that there is nothing called justice. Moreover, I was ill with severe depression. However, in 2012 it became evident that all my sons wanted me to go to England to clear this mess. Although, I was told that they would arrange millions of pound cash bail and assist me, this did not turn out to be the case.

I had to fight my last battle alone and in solitude, without any help from the rest of my family. I have only seen my son Mark for less than 70 minutes in 26 months, not my other sons at all and indeed not even received a card or letter. My adopted son Alexander, Romana’s son has been to see me twice a year.

Therefore, after my suicide attempt, I knew I had to go into the darkness and the cold winter night, but I had absolutely, no idea that the British penal system was so dysfunctional and Victorian. Just like, I had absolutely no idea that the British justice system could allow my in absentia trial, without my presence, my defence lawyers, defence documentation and witnesses.

Romana knew that I loved the company of women, specifically beautiful ones. Therefore, she somehow always arranged to have of women around me. We had so many coming home and some staying with us, more so when we moved to the villa.

She was never jealous, it was simple not in her person, nor was she insecure or did not trust me. As I believe that women have generally, far better judgement as to other human beings, I let Romana select many of the women working in the galleries. She always selected the most attractive, mostly young girls much younger than herself, many coming from countries abroad, from Poland to Greece, some very flirtatious.  We did have some beautiful girls working for us and that did draw the men and visitors to the galleries.

My assistant Melanie for many years had not been selected by Romana. I did mention her after I had interviewed her and others, to Romana; however, I can’t remember Romana influenced me in any way as to Melanie’s employment. Melanie was a tall, blond and beautiful natural girl, quite stunning with an attractive figure and face. A smiling and nice human being. Considering I worked with her every day for hours, even having lunch with her, I should have expected some hint of jealousy from Romana – no. In fact, Romana brought her into our home life and Melanie became a part of the family.

When we were about, shopping or abroad, Romana would point out a specific beautiful woman from time to time, saying just look at her fantastic figure, face or body, only sometimes her clothes and accessories. Romana, as I, adored beauty and beautiful people. Romana could sit in a restaurant pointing out to me a woman with long legs or how she handled herself, without any form for jealousy.

Whereas, when I later, after Roman’s death met Hanna, and she would walk into a restaurant always making sure that we sat far away from others and for certain that I faced her and no one else, Romana enjoyed having people around and would never place me just having her to look at. She did like to have a view, so to say in a restaurant of the different guests, but never stopped me from looking around. Although, my eyes was always upon her smiling face. The jealousy of Hanna was killing, Tina warned me that it was a sickness and would ruin any relationship, she was right.

Tina (Christina) and her daughter Laura became a regular fixture of our lives, specific after Gerald death, but even before. Gerald had been

Tina husband for 25 years and they had Laura. 

Our First Meeting

Our lives, like clouds shape themselves, sometimes they develop in beautiful places with sun warming its light on the azure ocean, and sometime they develop over the worst pollution of mankind. Clouds will shape, merge, and just go. It is their journey of transitions.

Our lives are also born in many places on this earth and shape themselves depending on place in time and space. Our environment and where we are born is important in our lives, like for the clouds.

Some clouds merge with many and become big leaving an impact on their environment with storm, thunder, rain and snow, the few become hurricanes and devastating typhoons before they go away.

We human can merge our minds with many, we can merge our souls with few, and most of us are never so fortune. Nevertheless, we can all merge and receive; building up our minds and body and just go away, not really a journey of transition.

As with clouds, it is something of luck and special circumstances if you are blessed with finding your paradise, or the right cloud to merge with.

Apart from my birth, the most important event in my life was meeting Romana Ewa Nager-Zukowska from Opole. This was my blessing and fortune in life.

Our first encounter was not eventful in itself, but the date is every moment in my mind today. Shepherd Place run between Grosvenor Square and Lees Place, some will say Upper Brook Street, as Grosvenor Square stop/begin at the top of Shepherd Place. The place does not allow traffic and it has always been an attractive walk though place and cars were not allowed to park either.

I knew an important Mayfair resident in the place, Sunny, the 11th Duke of Marlborough, who I already meet with the Duke of St. Albans back in 1967. Charles, the Duke of St. Albans served on the board of two of my companies (Associated Financial Planning and Intervestment Management) Sunny as the duke of Marlborough was nicknamed was a very refine person with an eye for the ladies, with his home, one of the most beautiful castles in England, Blenheim Palace. When Sunny was the Marques of Blandford at 35 in October 1961 he married Tina Onassis, he had two children and she had two from her marriage to Onassis. Sunny was later married again after Tina, but was always a real English gentleman.

After I returned to Mayfair in 1987 and later became acting chairman of the local appointed amenity group for the residents, I one day saw him in the street and we exchanged some small talk. I later through the years often run in to him as he liked to walk. He was a tall and thin gentleman, always very noble. In the sixties and seventies he had a lot of problems with his son, who is now the 12^th Duke, he was a drug addict and imprison for a short time.

Apart from him, I had been fighting a building further down the place, which was being used for illegal short lets and operated like a hotel, without proper licence. We fought such misuse of property and it could become dangerous for the residents, as to noise etc. Worst the owners could make a fortune and that was making other jealous.

Opposite the duke’s house in Shepherd Place was a row of 6-7 red brick houses built in the late 19th century, possibly early 20th century with gardens at the back. I knew that a widow from Henry Ford lived there, next door to a member of the Pearson family owners of the Financial Times. I had also read in 1989 that a financier house, which was being sold as he had been convicted of fraud and stealing his client’s money and sentence to 6-7 years.

This financier’s house became significant to me for two reasons, first, it was outside his house I first spoke to Romana and secondly the property was purchase of people who later became friends of Romana and me. Their son went to Hill House School with Alexander, Romana’s son, their names Rachel and Ricci Burns. He had been hairdresser to Princess Margaret and she was from a wealthy German Jewish family. Ricci had a boutique in Old Bond Street.

The residences of Shepherd Place had decided to hold a street party, in September 1989. Even later on, I never found out why the residents had decided to hold such a party and I never knew why. Neither did they ever to my knowledge held such an event again.

So on the afternoon on the 7^th September 1989 a street party was held. Considering, I was acting chairman of the Residents’ Association of Mayfair, I had to attend together with our Lord Mayor of Westminster David Avery (councillor for Soho). At least I had to show my face at the event.

Afternoon street parties are somewhat difficult because the fall between lunch and before cocktail hours, so serving coffee and tea is all they can do. It is not like garden parties. The other street parties was always when the offices was closed, so wine and champagne could be served.

I arrived late to Shepherd Place after David Avery and I immediately started my round of shaking hands with our members and residents ending up speaking to Leo Walter, who was vice-chairman of the Residents’ association. Leo was also a councillor of Windsor and Maidenhead council, living in Holyport, and he had served as Lord Mayor of Windsor. Leo and I got on well and shared our love for attractive women. Being a member of the Conservative Monday Club, he was rather right-right wing.

After a while, Leo took me across to meet one of his neighbours in Mayfair, where he had a small flat in Dunraven Street. The woman he introduced me to was Romana. After our initial small talk, Leo went away and I was left with Romana, who appeared an attractive and charming, but I did not find her open to relationship, also she told me she was married and her husband lived in Brussels.

We spoke about Mayfair and how long we each had lived there. As she was looking at her clock, she told me that she had to go a collect her son Alexander in Hill House. This led me to tell her about my three sons and that they went to Hill House for many years in the 1960s and 1970s. When the two oldest starting at Hill House colonel Townsend had only 120 pupils in the school, which used to send all the boys to G lion above the Montreux in Switzerland every 6 weeks. The colonel always said that he did not want gals and coloured, Chinese dirty knees. He was quite adamant about this, as my wife Elizabeth and I have regular dinner with him when his wife was abandoned to Glion and told not to show her face in London. His wife was close to Prince Charles who had attended Hill House, that is how the colonel started and she used to receive regular letters and communication from Prince Charles.

Telling Romana that my sons had attended the school gave us something to talk about for the next 10-15 minutes, where in between, many members and women came up to me to say hello. It was a beautiful sunny day and warm so many women had their summer dresses and hats on. Since, I can’t remember all the nitty-gritty about the event, Romana filled me in later. I told her that I was separated from my wife; however, she told me afterwards that she thought I was still a married man as I spoke so much about my sons. Elizabeth had already moved out of Berkeley Square to Chelsea.

So Romana was listening to me speaking about my sons, their education and what they were doing. My hunting instinct did not even light up as Romana appeared not to be that kind of a woman, moreover, I still had my woman in Zurich, Elizabeth Walther and I travelled many weekend to Switzerland, as I also had a place in Zurich, Wollebgasse 7.

According to Romana and Tina later telling me, Romana had gone and collected Alexander and gone straight into Tina’s house (next door in Green Street, she had 6 floors) and told Tina that she had met a very good man and father who just spoke about his sons. Romana was impressed with my compassion as a father, and also told Tina, that this is the kind of man she should have found. She would have loved to meet me before she married and had a child. I was really a man according to her dreams.

In my memory, I can’t say that I was left with that impression of Romana, yes she was tall and quite dignified woman, very feminine but not a Sloane or stunning, moreover she had a son. I found her attractive and having an open personality. Thinking back, it somewhat took me step by step over weeks and months to fall in love with Romana and ultimately truly love her and adore her and finding my true soul mate.

I did not find Romana extra pleasing/model beautiful when we met, neither when we had our first kiss.  In fact, I recall seeing this young very beautiful Polish girl serving, at Roy Miles opening in the building (27 Berkeley Square). In early December 1989. Having met Romana three time and even kissed, I recalled this girl’s beauty and breath of femininity and at the time thought that – this is a woman I want to pursue.

The real beauty in Romana came to me when I started seeing her soul getting to know her, her decency, her moral and ethic, all her deeds and sincerity.

For years I had advised men, clients or in my capacity of trustee, to never fall in love or get involved with a women with a son, if he is over the age of five. Because, such son will always later cause trouble. One of my American friends once told me “first feelings” thereafter you “fuck” and later “you will be fucked.” Rather crude by quite right.  A boy at five have already received most input and if his father is not around, he will already start having idea about possession of his mother, replacing the father. This will always lead to conflict in a relationship. But I’m good at giving advice which I never follow myself.

In this case I was proven wrong as to my advice, because later Romana’s Alexander become very close to me and my heart.

After meeting Romana for the first time, I did not spare her any more thoughts, moreover, several, very rich ladies of Mayfair was giving me encouragement. In addition, I had Elizabeth in Zurich. and if I am truthful slept with a few women who I met in Morton right next to me in Berkeley Square. One specific became an embarrassment, since she came to my door several times, calling the intercom and once my son Mark spoke to her, she was a British Airways hostess, and yes I was a naughty boy.

1989 was an important years for, me, how important I first realised later with meeting my soul mate Romana. I had in May (24) won a great victory against Denmark at the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg, where 17 countries judges had made the judgement that Denmark had breach with Convention with a very important Article 6, the right to a fair trial, in their political case against me. This was the first time since the signing the Convention, that Denmark had lost a case at the Court. 1989 also became a historic year for the suffering masses in Eastern Europe, with the fall of the Berlin Wall. In China the Tiananmen massacre took place in early June, just ten days after my ECHR victory.

Also earlier that year Elizabeth/Mary Ellen (as she now prefer to be called) had finally decided that we could no longer live together and she did not like that I had involved myself with Mayfair. I had engaged myself in charity and local community work and she did not like that at all. I was still badly affected from the events in Denmark in 1980-84. I had period of severe depression and general lack of confidence as it was difficult for others to know what had happened in Denmark specifically in the City. This caused my concern as to my involvement with re-establishing as a limited company The Society of Technical Analyst, also my work in the Mayfair community   and the Royal Academy of Arts.

My relationship with my sons, which mattered a lot to me, had deteriorated because of their Mother’s influence and she became a victim in their mind and I only appeared to have a good time, attending lots of parties and events in Mayfair.

Mark and Mogens had been working for several years in the City. They started really working for the worst to later working for the better and more established. This meant that they saw the truth and what financial companies and their owners did for greed. How clients was always subject to be ripped off and churned. That they all did it, even the blue blooded Merchant banks. Both of them worked first for Harvard Securities and OTC dealer, who at the time was quite famous in the City, working with a boiler room operation selling worthless stocks to all the uninitiated, making big money.

I escaped from reality somewhat by drinking too much, mostly wine every day, with lunches and later spirit. I buried myself in local issues and the arts. I had already in 1987/88 invented the concept for Art for Mayfair and Art for London. I re-organised the residents’ association and made a professional approach with computerisation. (More later).

In October, a month after meeting Romana, Leo Walters held a cocktail party to celebrate the purchase of another apartment in the Dunraven house, just around the corner from Romana. At this party, he had invited many people I knew, including Tina, Laura and Romana. Laura started flirting with me after Leo introduced us, since I spoke to many people, as I was the chairman than of the residents’ association, I did only briefly say hallo to Romana. Tina was also hanging around me, always with a flirtatious face and personality. Laura was showing her youth in front of her mother, as she knew her mother, who behaved regularly like she was twenty years younger and sister to Laura. So here was Tina and Laura flirting with me and poor Romana just stayed in the background, like she had not told Tina, that I was the man, she had met and talked about with Tina. This would not stop Tina, just the opposite, as Tina wanted to be the centre of any party. Romana never really objected to this, as she knew she had far more attention from both women and men, and Tina at times behaved somewhat vulgar at times.

Since slowly all the party guest had left and only a few remained including Romana, Tina and Laura, I started paying more attention to Romana, who told Tina, that I was the man she had talked about and met at Shepherd Place the month before. After Tina and Laura had left, I offered to walk Romana home, but she told me that she lives just around the corner. Since I had no idea about how close, I still insisted. As I right away found myself across the entering to 37 Green Street, her home, I was stretching out sand shaking hand and a saying goodnight. No kiss or even a hint of such.

Romana did not appear as a women I would consider an object for the night, in fact, I felt that she just was not that kind of a women, and I had known a few. I can’t say that I thought much about meeting her again the next days and weeks. I never contacted her; I did not have her telephone number anyway.

As chairman of the Residents’ Association of Mayfair, I had arranged a Christmas Party at the Mayfair Hotel. I instructed a few lady members of the social committee, including Kayak, and Lynda, Geoffrey Howard wife to get members and guest to the party.

I had decided to hold this party on the 7^th December 1989, as this would mark my dearest grandmother’s 90 year’s birthday, if she had lived. She died far too early, like Romana, when she was just 50 years old. Until recent I could cry thinking about her, but now I know life and only cry of missing My Romana Since my grandmother meant so much to me, I wanted that day to hold the party and this also suited the American members of the Association, since it was Pearl Harbour Day.

The Christmas Party was a success and as always sought after. I was sitting with Lady Porter, the conservative leader of Westminster City Council and Lady Mayor (she was the heiress to Tesco which her father created). Also at the table was David Weeks, the chief executive of the Council, who I later exposed together with Evening Standard (Mira Bar-Hillel, Councillor Demoldenburg.) Other sitting at the table was our MP and his wife. I possibly did know that Romana was at the party, but at our table there was a wealthy woman, Mary Ann, not living in Mayfair but Belgravia, who started immediately to flirt with me, and insisted on a dance. I made an excuse as I did not want to dance. I did see Romana smiling across the room.

Towards the end of the evening, a few people wanted it to go on, we had around 180 plus guest but most had left except a few including Romana and her girlfriend Barbara (married to Tim van Rillin, a Hollywood film producer).

Our First Kiss

Some days before the Christmas Party I had received invitation of the opening and honorary membership of a new club to open in Shepherd Market, the former Penthouse Club, the new club’s name Royal Club. I suggested to the few left at the Mayfair Hotel that we walk over to Shepherd Market, I can still remember walking with Romana across the south of Berkeley Square on our way to the club in Shepherd Market, looking north telling Romana that I just lived on the top of the square. It was a cold winter night, just after midnight.

Arriving at the club, I went upstairs s to the top floor, walking the stairs with Barbara and Romana at each side. We went to the bar, as all the tables had been taken and the place was quite full. I can’t remember as of writing the other people in our crowd, possibly Leo and his wife Margo, but they found a table, but all left before I left with Barbara and Romana later.

Romana and I had a few dances, where I told Romana that I do not really dance; I might have quoted what the French film director Roger Vadim said to me in Sweden, telling me that he did not dance, “you can make love on a dance floor”. We danced and holding Romana close, she just fitted right, all ending in a little smooching kiss…………………………………………………………………….

The club later was close a few years later and the owners open the Icini, which became notorious with it White Powder Room, the women’s toilet used to cocaine. As chairman of the official appointed Residents’ Association, I made many complaint to the police, but they was on the take at the time. The owners of Icini made a lot of money and open Hot Chocolate at the corner of Berkeley Square and Berkeley Street; I went to the opening with Romana as Laura (Lubner) was the manager of the place. Again later on I had to regular complain to the police, as so many gathered there, most coloured people for acid parties at Friday and Saturday night. So I had to fight Laura, well knowing what was going on, she did step down and the place closed.

Considering the importance of human rights in my life, The Atlantic charter was made in August, when I was born in June 1941. It was the foundation to the Human Rights Act, first by United Nation and later the European.

A few months after Romana’s death I did look for self-gratification, drowning myself in drugs, alcohol and sex. I travelled in Russia and Ukraine, always with two women by my side and in bed. Having been always a solitary kind of guy, I had not the comfort by my sons and my family.  They just left me to go on.

My Daily Grief

Writing these lines, tomorrow, will the seventh anniversary for My Romana leaving this life.

Every day, it has seemed to me, grief changes, persisting shifting, most days more furtive, to others. But my intensity of my grief, can many moments during the day lead me to silent tears, resurgent, weighing on me every time in a new and at times even somewhat frighten way that I do not know how to free myself from.

Lately, I realise that there is so many aspect of grief, its listlessness, loneliness and withdrawal, it gruelling durations. I had hope, when seeing Alexander at visit, I for a moment could together with him console my grief, but he seems to appear to have no grief. Perhaps, the brief moments, I have seen him, he hides his grief. Most of the time, I am also able to hide my grief, I had to with Hanna and had to hide away by going and lay down for an hour, not showing my tears.

I came to realise in August 2008, that I could never live in London again, too many memories and associations with Romana.

I think, I also realised, it will difficult to live in the villa, as I was every moment reminded of Romana, however, that provided me with a certain comfort. Now when Mark has sold my Home, I have, if I live, be close by possibly in Cap D’Air or Beulioe, my grief ritual, a desire to be around the area that I can intermingle with Roman’s, as I yearn now to trace with my fingertips the contours of her soul. Romana died there and it is my sacred places and my home in a way that no other place ever will be. Now that Romana’s ashes are at Villa Les Anges, I will feel even more attached to the area, as I still want my own ashes there as Romana and I had wishes together.

In writing this, it feels me with sadness, which can totally overtake me and fill my day completely. It is like the conception of the last seven years since Romans death, their relation to ongoing time itself, as being like an invisible but weighty hibernating the animal inside me, sides always rising and falling, that I somehow had to get moving again before it would all be too late, that I had to expel from inside myself and follow out into the world.

Shortly after Romana’s death I wanted to seek comfort by going to her home in Opole, walking the streets and places where she had spent all her childhood years. I walked with Amey to the square where her mother Jadwiga had her small apartment, hanging around just outside with Amey. Despite, it was June and sunshine, it seemed so grey and died, polluted and sad. I found it very hard and constantly was crying, which people bypassing noticed. The shop close by on the square was than a flower shop, this little shop was where Romana had been getting a few sweets. Also the square itself meant my recollection of Romana telling me about the air commander pilot, who loved her, flying over tipping his plane several times. The trees in the square, I touched as I knew they was there when little Romana walked around. Because, I came several times to the square hanging around, I feared that people would think I was up to no good, so I drove my BMW there and parked so to show that I was not a threat.

I wanted so badly to investigate all about the air commander at the time, and write the story about him, Romana and her mother, who loved him. I tried to enquire in Warsaw as to get military records and was told that it is very difficult. Romana flew to Poland to attend his funeral, which was a big military affair. According to Romana, when she left Poland and returned ones visiting, she met with him and told him that she did not love him and that she could not see them living a life together. It was shortly after this meeting that he died in his plane, which at the time was reported as an accident, but speaking to his fellow pilots, they thought it was a suicide.

Romana was too young, when they met initially and did not love him, but Jadwiga did. This air commander, who was in charge of teaching all Polish fighter pilots, killed himself, most likely of impossible love for Romana and grief for his dead wife, who had been Romana’s teacher.

Romana loved her teacher very much, who died quite young of breast cancer, only shortly after her marriage to the air commander. We used to go to her grave when visiting Romana’s parents and grandparent’s grave.

———————-

I have been considering to go to a place where Romana never went, just to try to create a new life, without constantly hanging on to my grief. But I find it difficult, as I want to be close to South of France and the region where Romana and I spent so much time and beautiful moments together. Since, it appears I have a close connection to Italy, I might start in Bordigehra again, at Via Romana, but thereafter, I wish to go to Ferrara and possibly find a place where I can have at least two dogs, and as to Rosy, I wish to have at least two dogs. I have considered Corsica and Sardinia, with possibly Sicily and the area of Taranto, which I wish to visit, with my dogs, so I need a large Range Rover, Toyota Land cruiser or the BMW 4A. Perhaps I should take a world cruise first or at least in Asia and possibly the Mediterranean and Caribbean. I am alone nearly 24 hours a day and now for years, so I do need to have people around and a cruise is a good way. Still, there is a long battle ahead here in London.

Roman’s last days in this life

It all started as we returned from Switzerland in March, Romana spirit went daily downhill and soon she stayed in bed. On the Easter Thursday called Skærtorsdag in Danish, something like suffering Thursday, Romana woke and surprised me greatly, as she was being attended to by Everlyn, me sleeping next to Romana. Romana was saying to Everlyn, How I would like to be fucked right now by a big manhood, just like one of those Negro pricks, than looking at me. I was a little embarrassed in front of Everlyn who was just smiling. Romana would never say such a thing and certainly have never expressed such feelings, never mind for black men. Frankly, I was a little shaking knowing most of Romans fantasies and sexual wishes. I just shook my head and smiled to Romana.

Well, I went downstairs for have my breakfast, nice black coffee and my special bread from La Turbie, brought by our woman every morning.

Romana had a bad night, but still appearing fresh enough to express such sexual desires. I somewhat felt sad, as I just could not associate my thoughts about Romana with having sex. In fact, I had been feeling really bad about this, since Romana’s first seizure, it was so gruelling for me, because I loved her so much and everything about her I adored. We had sexual intercourse last, more than 10 months earlier, when we went to Italy for the weekend that was the last time I felt my manhood inside her. At the time Romana already had lost a lot of weight and I could feel her bones. As this involved me being very careful with her, and the Romana I used to hold in my arms, was a strong and full body, it was strange and a little embarrassing I feel, but we climaxed. If I have known of what I know now writing these lines, I should have really been taking more care of her sexual needs after her illness, but I with so great regrets did not and hope her spirit will forgive me, I have not.

Thursday went by with a few people coming and going, including Lydia visiting and Romana’s sister speaking a little Polish. Both Doctors Daniel and Scemama had been to see Romana and Bernadette also came. Tina came together with ……. who had flown in from South Africa to see Romana. It somehow felt that Romana’s life was running out like water over small stones, slipping away, she did not want to live here any longer.

Romana had a very bad night, with Everlyn constant attending her, and me trying to sleep next to her. Trying to cuddle up holding my arm around her. But even my arm felt much too heavy for my dear Romana fragile body at times, because when I slept Romana felt all the weight. Romana was lying high on several pillows. She did not want television or even music on. A few moments I convinced her to hear some Chopin.

But Good Friday, which we in Denmark call Long Friday became a long day for me and My dearest Romana.

Waking relative late around 9, hearing Everlyn speaking to Romana, without much answering from Romana, I open my eyes in our paradise.

Everlyn had through the night attended Romana, and now she was washing her, washing her little and speaking to her giving her a little to eat with all her medication. Romana did not really take anything in and had not done for some days.

I was lying a little in bed holding Romana’s left hand, kissing it softly, telling her, something she already knew, that she had a very bad night. I went to telephone Scemama to find out when he would come as I could see Romana needed more morphia.

It was a holiday in France, but he was due to see Romana in the morning as he had done every day the last week, it was the 21^st March 2008, Romana’s  6th last sunrise. I did not know it, since the day before Romana had been quite perky and even a little vulgar in her statement to Everlyn and me.

I had my breakfast and stayed downstairs speaking to the various people assisting us. I got ready to walk and did take Amey out for my usual walk over the mountain. Amey was always looking at everything I did in the morning, observing every move I made, awaiting the moment that she knew was getting close to me finally being ready to take her walking. She always showed so much patience, quietly awaiting everything I did, moving her eyes around following me. If I went upstairs, she could even hear exact what I did, and knew when I had all my clothes on, been to the toilet etc., somehow she entirely by only listen to me upstairs knew how far I was as to going. Just amassing.

It is Easter Good Friday, writing these lines seven years later, sitting in my solitude, with my classic FM playing some beautiful music. Although, I regret that I did not write all details about Romana’s last days before, it is so difficult thinking about her and Villa les Anges, a place now taken away from me.

I am possibly forgetting some details, except the last day, that I know from opening my eyes until Romana’s spirit and beautiful soul left this world, shortly after 15.00 3pm. But Friday evening, with Tina and ……….    coming earlier and staying around, telling me to come for dinner in the village later at 8. Than telling me that we really should go to Monaco, but I should tell Romana that we only went to La Turbie.

Alexandra, Romana’s sister was sitting most of the time in the bedroom next to the bed. Everlyn had been there all day and looked constantly if there was anything she could do to help Romana. Wiping Romana’s face and seeing to the bed and pillows, so attentiveness, our Everlyn was a good human being, I wish to see her again before dying. She really took so good care of Romana.

I find it difficult to think about Villa les Anges, God knows who is now making it their Home, Our Home, where Romana’s ashes are spread out. I can be sick in my stomach cursing my sons, specific Mark for doing this to me. The greatest hurt apart from Romana’s death. Dying for me will be nothing compared to the pain I have about losing Villa les Anges – and both Mark and Alexander’s knew that.

Our bedroom, the bed we shared, and where Romana died, just the thought makes me too upset to write any longer……

And all my books, I have bought books all my life, and they to me are a record of my life. I can recall where I bought them. For me every book is a talisman. Together they are not perfect academic, but number books I always had a special relationship to. Having once lost at least 3000 books, even more, I used to say 5000 book in the London docks in 1964.  Having than again lost a lot of books when all the events in Denmark to place, including quite important books from my childhood, my Mother had been looking after. I started after the events to slowly buy books, some art books all over, from Zurich to Berlin. – All left in the villa, as Hania could not get the removal van in to the villa, Jacques at the entrance stopped this, so the two removal men had to go from the top all the way to the villa collecting everything they could at the time. Moreover, the neighbour threatens to call the police, so the wan had to move on. So all left in the Villa and Alexander just saying “where should I take it?” no care about such things, all the memories,

Well, I was not finished about the Good Friday, after Tina and …… had left, I got ready to go, it was around 8 and I was already a little late, when I went into Romana to tell her I was going, she started a terrible seizure, more short at the time, but aggressive and exhausting for her little energy she had left in her body. I stayed next to her and Alexander in the bedroom, the seizure attack went on and on, poor Romana, not feeling the seizures, but constant disappearing and waking up in between the terrifying attack. Alexander and I going frantic. Everlyn being there and spoken to Scemama, who came bye for an hour, until Daniel arrived at 9.

I had promised Romana, that I would not take her to hospital whatever happened, as Romana wanted to die at home, and I wanted to keep this promise. However, after Daniel had been staying there for close to over an hour and it appeared that the seizure attack was not going to stop, despite the large amount medication both doctors had put into Romana little body, I had to agree to allow Romana to be taken to Pasteur Hospitalier and Daniel arranged everything. The ambulance came just before 11 at night – I felt bad as I did not want Romana to die in hospital. Daniel had assured me that he could only stop these seizures in hospital; he had not seen so many seizures and not been able to stop them. 

They tried everything in the hospital

I was lying 5 meter away sleeping on a special hospital bed, just on top with all my clothes on.

The seizures went on all day and night

Easter Saturday

Contacted Alexander in China and told him to come back right away.

Easter Sunday

First Sunday morning they were able to stop the seizures.

Alexander arrive and Lydia collect him, as we did not want him to speak to Daniel, who wanted to extend Romana’s life

Monday

Tuesday

Although, I wanted to write the above, all evening I have been sitting here trying to force myself to begin, but the more I thought about it, the more depressed and distressed I became – sitting here in this box. It is just too much for me, even think about my Romana and the last few days of her time with me.

I could not finish it this Easter 

My Romuska,

I am just writing to tell you, that I Love you so much. I have just seen a film you would have liked it was called The White Countess, produced by James Ivory and with Natasha Richardson, who is where are. The film was made in 2005 and is about Shanghai in the 1930s and recall that the Italian we was together with at Jean Christophe in France, he wanted to develop the French consulate back in 2000. It is the 11^th April and close to two in the night – but you are so dear in my heart. Freddy will come tomorrow Sunday to see me.

26.03.08

I feel an overwhelming sense of peace

On the 26th October 2005, I wrote this for Romana in Warsaw on a card. I regularly gave Romana a card with some poems or lines just as a manifestation of my Love for her. 

Romush

You are the air I inhale

You are the sun rise

– and most of all the SUN

You guide me through the day

With your wisdom, beauty and loving heart

You surround me with everything that

I love and appreciate 

I see the flowers, the nature, animals

and taste the wines

Walking through the landscape of life and a world full of beauty and love

Without You, My Love –

Only darkness, cold and ultimately Death.

All My Love

Mogens

My Romana

I have decided writing about Romana and me and our life from the fist day we met, until me holding her on the 26th March 2008, leaving this world. For two reason, firstly, most men 99% who will read this will not believe such a women exist, therefore, it is important to tell our stove. So it is in honour to women in general and specially to Romana.

I do need my diaries, but in the meantime I will write in details about our life through the more than 18 years. All the places went to and how Romana wanted most things to be a secret, to Alexander, her girlfriends and others. Romana knew about jealousy and how people really are.

That the criminal justice system is dysfunctional, without any true moral objective, can be seen from that the Home Office did not want an ordered research report about Portugal’s drug policies published.

In UK 44.6 death from fatal overdoses per million (15-64 years old), where in Portugal only on average 3 per million on average a year.

30th October 2015 – 27.172 DOML

Again bad night, chest, cough, so I got up at 4.55 and started writing about Romana.

Yesterday, I decided that I will write a book about Romana, my soulmate. Our lives for the 218 months we lived together, the reason was to tell mankind, that a woman like Romana do exist, that they are not just parts of us men’s ideal, but they do really and truly exist. I want specific younger men, without much experience, to understand that true love is God’s blessing, it exist and even that most people will never experience such love, it does not mean that they should not aim for it.

I also want to give Romana’s son, our son Alexander something about his mother, partly because he really did not know most of it and in many ways did not know his mother.

Yesterday, when I thought about such venture, it was 11 (29.10.2015, 29=11. the month 10=1, so 2015= 8, therefore, 3+8=11). I also read that my case number at the ECHR was 11 for that year.♥

Jadwiga, Romana’s mother, told her daughter that for every pot, there is a lid, for every saucepan one can find a lit. What she did not tell her, that it could take a long time to find such, and most people never find such lid in their lifetime.

Although, most of our life, was not known to many, in fact, many times, no one of our close friends, her many  and indeed all our acquiescence, even her son Alexander.

The reason for this, was that Romana, told me not to mention our lives to anyone, because it would bring resentment and jealousy. This was so much against my personal character, as I liked to tell people about how good time we had together. However, I learned fast and from the start of our love, we even had to keep things away from Alexander, not for him to get hurt, with a new man with his mother. After all, he was 8 years, when Romana, and I met for the first time.

Romana was right, one should not glow and show off, among normal people, just trying to make a life. It used to upset me a great deal when we went To Poland, I could never tell about where we had been, what we had experienced and what happened to us. It was quite easy as I did not speak Polish, but many time, I had hoped Romana would mention something about our lives, but in Poland, it was the last place. Even to her sister and others in her hometown of Opole.

If I could not keep my mouth shut all the time, and started speaking about our travels and life, when the person I tried to communicate with, always asked Romana, could you please help, I do not understand Mogens, Romana, would lie and said it is nothing or just tell something which I had been involved with before I met Romana. Nothing to do with that I was telling them.

Most of the nouveau riche Poles, we knew, always for hours could talk about where they have been, where they stayed, the name of the hotel and what happened. To my frustration, even place we went to on a regular basis, and stayed many times in the same hotel, Romana would only say, we have been there, but when they wanted to know the hotel, Romana told them she can’t remember. This some times got me a little mad inside, but Romana was right.

Even Paris, where Romana and I went to many times, in some years we had up to 25 trips to Paris, mostly for 3 nights, we stayed in many of the five-stars hotels, ranging from The Ritz, George V, Maurice, Le Bristol, de Crillon, Plaza Athénée, and a range of the new boutiques’ hotel which started in the early 1990s. We never only stayed once, we came many time to the same hotel, as we wanted to be sure of the right environment and atmosphere for our romantic weekend. One of the reason, that I formed Mayfair Even Management and used the Mayfair Society, in our travel all over the place, was to obtain a discount and received special offers. Ultimately, when Romana was invited to Bahrain, in 1998, by the emirs, to advise on attracting conferences and events of all kind to the place, it came from the fact, that they knew we travel extensively.

We could do all this, because Alexander was either at school in Switzerland, with Hill House, later at Salem in Germany and than at Bryanston. Later again from the villa, we had, for most of the time, permanent staff living in, which did allow us such travel, even when Amey come into our lives in 2001.

Romana did not have Commandments, she did not have to remind herself, however, if I should think of Romana’s Commandments:

• You live for your soulmate and yourself
• Everything he wants, everything he desires you attend to
• Do not expose yourself to jealousy unduly, do not ever brag or be boastful
• Every moment can be enjoyable, but always seek to create special moments for you and your soulmate
• Try not to surround yourself with too much negativity
• Your body has been given to you, feel comfortable in your skin and do not abuse your body, unless, it is for special moments.
• Do not speak badly about other people, or judge them, their actions or deeds

I have only known one person in my life, who never spoke badly about others or made a judgement, that was my dear aunt Elna. If you spit her in the face, she would tell you, that it might be raining.

After Romana and I had made love a few times and lying in bed, Romana sat up in the bed and looked at me seriously, I thought she was going to say something very serious. Instead, she looked at me and took my hand, will you promised me something, my face must have been a little perturbed. Please listen, then she said, any time we want to make love and you feel you want me, please do not hesitate for one moment, wherever, we are and never in our bed, if you wake me at 4 or 5 in the morning, I will be there for you, please promise me! Yes, I promised.

Romana kept her part of this, but I did not, specific when she became ill, I am shameful right now to open this wound. I know our making love was important to both of us, but I failed my Romana the last 15 months of our life together, at a time she really wanted to feel our psychical love for each other.

I see the page is  (218=11). I believe that I should launch a thousand poems about Romana, but I do not consider myself a good poet, like I am not a writer. Do I look like a writer to you?

Do I look like a singer to you?

Romana had many jokes, only she could tell, because in her English with a Polish and feminine voice.

One of them was about a Jewish couple, Sarah and Moshe. They were newly wed and had just moved into a new apartment. One day Sarah asked her husband if he could attend to some light that needed fixing. Moshe replied, my dear Sarah, I go to work every day and work hard as an accountant, do I look like an electrician to you? Sarah did not say anything, however, a week later she had problems with her washing machine and she had to ask him again for help. You know I work very hard and do I look like a plumber to you? A week later Sarah saw a spot on the ceiling and asked Moshe if he kindly could paint over it. Moshe said, Sarah, you know I go to work every day, do I look like a painter to you?

A week later, he was sitting in his office and thought, I have been too hard to Sarah, all these things she asked for I can do, he, therefore, took early leave from the office and went home. When he came home he immediately asked Sarah, about the light, washing machine and the spot in the ceiling and told her that he wants to see it all right away.

Sarah looked at him, and said, it is all fixed, do not worry! He looked at her and said how? The neighbour upstairs has fixed all. So Moshe looked at Sarah, so what did you have to pay for this? Sarah told him, our neighbour told me that I can either sing him a song or he can make love to me! So, what song did you sing Sarah? Moshe, do I look like a singer to you?

I am sure Romana received this joke from Christina’s husband, who was Jewish and always had some good Jewish jokes.

Despite that Romana was treated very badly by her husband Angus and he had left her in 1988 to live in Brussels, Romana would not allow anything bad said about him in general and specifically to Alexander, their son.

Even to me, I had to drag the truth out of her for years, as to how bad Angus had been, but only if I did never tell Alexander. I do Angus picked a beautiful and rare flower when he met Romana in 1978, and their ten years marriage took its toll on Romana. Angus did terrible things to her and others in working his telex scam, something he had done since the early 1960s, with his wife, who later committed suicide.

Even such “criminal scam” defended Romana by saying Angus always had the intention to deliver a directory, the fact that people send hundreds of cheques from all over the world, every day and these cheques were cashed, Romana knew about, but did not truly see the bad element in it, even it was immoral.

I recall that Romana travelled with Alexander to Brussels to bring Angus some of the main silver goblets, he had a collection of goblets that he wanted. Despite that they were valuable and Romana had no money for food or paying school fees, not paid rent since Angus left, she still allows him to get these valuable items.

On the 7th day of each month, we celebrated meeting each other, always with travel, flowers and a great dinner or lunch. I wrote always a card with some poems or affirmation. I have many of these cards.

Romana found me suffering from melancholia, as I did suffer from depressions, therefore, I decided to find on the Internet a joke every day. I also received many jokes from Ilse in Monaco, who scouted the Internet and sent out something every day.

Our many trips to:

USA

Barbados

Paris

Baden-Baden

Munchen

Kassel Dokumenta

Zurich

Lucerne

Lugano

Venice (all the Bienale)

Geneva

Milano

Strasbourg

Turin

Bologna

Sorrento

Amalfi

Naples

Ravello

Capri

Perugia

Ferrara

Trento

Como

Graz in Austria

Salsburg

Innsbruck

San Marino

Portofino

Cuneo

Rome

Florence

Verona

Asti

Aix-en-Provence

Basel (Art)

Namur

Dijon

Lyon

Bordeaux

Clermont-Ferrand

Saint-Sebastian

Toulouse

Perpignan

Marseille

Chantilly

Brittany

Anjou

Auvergne

Madrid

Dublin

Waterford

New York

Chicago

Princeton

Villa Feltrinelli on Lake Garda

The Gritti Palace, Venice

Crillon Le Brave, Provence

We went through all the Relais & Châteaux

Grand Hotel de Bordeaux

Grand Hotel Excelsior Victoria, Sorrento

I have written before, that Romana lived for me, but I also lived for Romana. Nothing was more important for us, from the morning rise to going to bed. Romana, was not truly interested in jewellery, expensive clothing and cars. She rarely went to a hairdresser, and when she mostly regretted. As for clothes, yes Romana loved shopping, but never at any price, neither was it really important.

As to jewellery, Romana like anything to dress with, but nothing expensive, as she always was concerned loosing it, moreover, she had the little jewellery she had left from her husband, seen it being stolen. Also knowing about jewellery, having worked a little for one of the most established secondhand jewellers in Bond Street, Romana knew the margins and the an expensive ring, did never reflect the true price.

Most men, I have advised through the years or were close to, always complained about their wives spending money, either on themselves, clothing, cars or jewellery.  Romana did do none of them. A girlfriend of Romana would once a week spend nearly £500 at her hairdresser, in South Moulton Street. Romana could but never, moreover, had no need to because as she believed most women needed some comfort going either with themselves or how they looked at themselves.

Romana was 100% comfortable in her skin. Romana went with a girlfriend to Milan to shop for the weekend in September 2006, the girlfriend would spend close to a million euro, every year on clothes. Apart from having good food and lots of laughter, Romana found it rather absurd and boring, because she did not find her girlfriends was happy or joyful, spending hundreds of thousands, neither specifically cared much about the individual clothing. When Romana came back, she said, she did not want to do this again and much prefer our shopping in Como or San Remo.

Going shopping with Romana always turned out to be an enjoyment and a true experience. Romana would always make it a happy time, and one truly felt so good, even in the market, when Romana could have found a handbag for £10 or less. Although, we paid hundreds of pounds/euros, even £750-1000 for certain bags, Romana would have much more use of her cheap copy or “inspired” label bags. She preferred an inspired label bag. As to paying hundreds of pounds, this we did to people in Italy, who made the real bags.

I never forget the times Romana told me that she was shopping with a girlfriend in Bond Street, Romana placed a Louis Vuitton bag on the counter, a shop assistant started looking closer at the bag and even called a manager, and admired Romana’s handbag. Since our friend had supplied it, and the normal price was £2500 plus, Romana become concerned, but they pointed out all the original features of the bag and told her that this specific bag had not arrived in London before in some weeks.

The same thing happened once with a Dior bag in Bond Street. During the time we had regular promotion events in the galleries, Romana received nice bags from RedWall, the makers of Prada, Armani and Musquino. And from France, also bags from Longchamps and Chanel. Redwall being the biggest manufactured of handbags in Italy, making for many designers.

I recall, when Liz and I lived in Florence, I had contact with the people who made the Kelly bag for Hermes, the crocodille bag at the time cost £10,000 plus, even bag in 1980s. I could buy the bag for 2-3000. 

————-#

I have to think about the structure as to my book about Romana. How I should set out the book, with poems etc. Am I writing as myself or a narrator. I could travel to the places Romana and went to, and fill in specific issues, trying to recall the moments with Romana.

In the meantime, I should just write what I daily have in my mind.

I should start recalling birthdays, events at the galleries, the fighting in Mayfair around RAM.

Romana never stood outside a jeweller with me, and pointed on some ring, bracelet or piece of jewellery, I should like that, directly asking me to buy the item. When we used to go window shopping in Mayfair, we would look at the windows of all shops, but Romana never pointed at an item she wanted, except shoes, handbags and clothes, dress, underwear, overcoats.

During a period, for some reason Romana had the same coats that we later saw on princess Diana. I great opportunity, I received was when Norman Hartnell, the Queen dressmaker, went bankrupts. This allow Romana to get a lot of real classic dresses, practically for nothing compared with their sales prices. Another good connection, was the importers I had in 27 Berkeley Square, also allowing to buy at wholesale prices attractive quality clothes. The special sales from some Bond Street shops, where Romana got some good buys.

Well, I know I have had many writing plans, but my book about Romana, is everything, there others must come second.

The ambulance drives out just in front of me and indicates that we will turn into the motorway, at least the driver had not put sirens on, but driving very considered. Making it all easier for me to follow on. Not much traffic, this Easter Sunday night, as it was just after ten. Driving behind the ambulance, I had plenty of time to think and how many happy times we had driving on this motorway, either going away or coming home.

This motorway leads all along the French Cote D’Azure and Italian Liguria. Worried if we had all the required equipment in the villa, the nurse Evelyn had told me that everything had arrived, and I had seen myself some equipment came earlier when I was home for a shower and change of clothes. All this had been seen under the direction of Daniel.

Our son, Alexander had flown in at midday from China. Thanks to Lydia, we had prevented Daniel, now sitting in the ambulance, collecting Alexander in the airport. I did feel bad about this, because, Daniel after all would do anything to save his patient even for another day, week or month. He had asked me in the morning if we will agree to further surgery, as he believed that this would allow Romana a little longer. I knew Romana wanted to leave this life and therefore could not allow her more agony and pain.

I had already felt terrible when I last drove behind and following an ambulance, that was on Good Friday, just 48 hours earlier. I felt awful then, because, I had made a promise, to the woman of my life, my everything and soulmate Romana –

The promise I had made, was not to take her to hospital again, as her wish was to die at home in our bed. Looking at my passenger, sitting with pain in her face, I did not have the possibility, to share my thoughts. My passenger, Alexandra, was Romana’s older sister and she had spent all day in the hospital holding Romana’s hand. When I did not have the possibility, to tell Alexandra my thoughts, was because we could not understand each other apart from our facial expression.

Alexandra only spoke Polish and a little Russian, I only could pronounce tak and pinkie, yes and it is beautiful, so our communication was very limited. What was clear, both our faces showed sadness and anxiety as to both our big loss to come.

We had just turned off the motorway with our exit to La Turbie, just above Monaco, driving through the village, seeing no one around, not even in the restaurants, well it was Easter.

Turning left from the village, I saw a car coming from Monaco, My mind was

When Romana died, I was 66 years old and become 67 in June. I had spent more than a quarter of my life with a beautiful person, a soul mate, I had lived ……….days and my Romana had lived

Romana’s girlfriends:

Christina-Tina

Anna

Ann Music

Krytsna

Barbara (Tim’s wife)

Galina

Madeleine (Lady Hunt)

Ewa (Bogdan’s wife)

– Ella Heath

Barbara Hamilton (artist, Duke of Kent’s lover)

Roxandra

Rachel Burns

Graza – Brazilian

 Barbara Diaa – Memmeningen

Georgina – Lady Colin Campbell

The actress, Claire, Players Company, helped with Action-Japan

Jasia- New York

Anna Hefferon

– Louisa Rutterford-Savilli

– Magarethe von der Schulenburg

Carol – California

Maria

Lydia

Ilse

Sharnaz

Barbara

LIST

1. Princess Margaret – a real princess, Roman’s glasses, the water and whiskey
2. My arms around Prince Albert in Hotel de Paris
3. Our many meals and tea at Stafford Hotel, the American Bar
4. Villa Les Anges, George and Lydia Lukomski, Laghet and the story of Princess Grace death in Jacques and Josette’s         garden
5. Getting Villa les Anges and our first visit
6. Cartier family and the building of the Villa Les Anges
7. Ayton Senna’s memorial service and what happened opposite us at the embassy.
8. The nightmare, when I woke at 1 on the 3 January 2007
9. Help for Poland the much work by Romana
10. Concerts in the Banqueting Hall, Westminster
11. Marek Drewnowski, the contract and all the problems
12. Visit to Geneva to hear him
13. Countess Tolstoy, dinner parties and fun
14. Barbara, Basia and Ian Hamilton, their birthday party and mine – Rulka
15. The Duke of Kent and Barbara, lovers
16. Ella Heath, Oxfordshire and Whitehall
17. Angela and Dame Gloria Hooper
18. Prince/King Karol of Romania
19. Lady Michele Renouf and Countess Tolstoy
20. Romana’s see through the gallery picture, with Princess Margaret
21. Alexander at Longleaf and our lunch there with him
22. Richard Stamps and his London Academy orchestra
23. Concerts in Smith Square
24. The Last Day
25. Our trip to Giddy Park in Devon
26. Chicago, our stay at Mayfair Regency the last week before they closed
27. New York Carlyle
28. When I did not realise that the car engine was running, down  from the St. Bernardino pass
29. Venezia, the great moments
30. The many Mayfair Garden parties
31. My 50th birthday in Baden Baden
32. our trips to Paris – many
33. Our drive and stay in Stresa going to collect Alexander
34. Glion
35. Lugarno and our many trips to Leopoldo
36. Zurich, Bau au Lac, Dolder and Kursnach stay
37. The hunts in France with Jean-Christophe
38. Fox-hunting in Chantille
39. Zarkopania, after Christmas,
40. Opole, the first visit, Wanda and Aunt Sophia
41. The charity event with Ester Ranzen and Ainsley Harriott on the 17 October 1998
42. Jeffrey Archer and our Paris dinner
43. Alan Sugar and Lord Astor’s place Cliveden
44. Our many trips to Mazury
45. Christmas Eve with the Generals
46. Christmas shopping in New York, the heat
47. Visits to South Africa
48. Birthday at the Dorchester
49. Our daily routine at Dorchester Spa, driving in the Range Rover
50. The surprise birthday party in Green Street
51. Alexander’s christening, the people and the death shortly after of ……………………..
52. Our first trip to Denmark and smoked herrings and aquavit
53. When we visited Copenhagen in 2003, after Elna’s 80^th
54. The American, his girlfriend dying, Paracelsus clinic, his place and Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt
55. My work as Chairman for the Westminster City Council’s appointed Residents’ Association of Mayfair, The Mayfair Trust and Mayfair Society.
56. Roman’s and Princess Margaret, the whiskey, water and the glass, Lady Glenconner
57. Our many exhibitions
58. Christmas parties (Dorchester, Claridges, Intercontinental, Four Season, Millennium Hotel.
59. Brazilians Ball
60. Lord Fawsley and the work with the Royal Commission of Fine Arts
61. Sitting at Guildhall at lunch next to Robert Maxwell (sitting on two chairs), on my right the Chinese professor from    Edinburgh
62. My curating more than 175 exhibitions in the years 1990- 1995
63. My contact with Margaret, dean of Central of St. Martins
64. Dr Ann Coxen, doctor to Dodi, the Sultan of Brunei and The Emir of Qatar, Romana’s girlfriend and doctor, Princess’ Baby
65. Romana’s love for wild strawberries
66. Marina Morrison-Atwater owns Corriere del Venoto, in Venezia
67. My arms around Prince Albert in Hotel de Paris
68. Villa Les Anges, George and Lydia Lukomski, Laghet and the story of Princess Grace death in Jacques and Josette’s                          garden
69. Cartier family and the building of the Villa Les Anges
70. Georgina, Lady Campbell, her book about Diana and all her men, her advice to Romana about Romana making a  cookbook
71. The Duchess of Argyll, my conversation with Lord Forte
72. Our Dorchester daily visit to the Spa (Stallone, his  Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Goldberg,
73. Romana’s 40 surprise birthday party at the Dorchester  Club
74. Diana’s stepmother, Farm Street, our many events
75. Romana and my taxi trip and my statement to her “You are   not really my type!” going to Royal Thai
76. The Wilds restaurant and the people (Lord Sterling and  Llewellyn) and Corinne
77. The many Concerts in the Banqueting Hall, Westminster
78. Marek Drewnowski, his background with Lenard Bernstein
79. Countess Tolstoy, our dinners
80. Basia and Ian Hamilton, their birthday party and mine
81. Romana and I used to go to Café de Flore in the middle of Saint-Germain where the French philosophers Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir went every day for breakfast.
82. Sir Peter Tapsell and his wife Lady Gabrielle, Barbados
83. Richard Stamp’s and his orchestra Academy of London
84. Nightingale sang in Berkeley Square when I closed the party and listen to Vera Lyn
85. Ella Heath, her place in Whitehall and country
86. Angela and Dame Gloria Hooper
87. Prince/King Carol of Romania
88. Lady Michele Renouf
89. My daily walk next to Rudolf Nureyev property
90. Andrew Cavendish – Duke of Devonshire, Chatsworth
91. Alexander at Longleaf (Marquis of Bath) and our lunch there  with him
92. The Last Day
93. Our trip to Giddy Park Hotel in Devon
94. Chicago, meeting Bernard Madoff at the dinner New York Carlyle
95. When I did not realise that the car engine was running, down from the St. Bernardino pass, driving for 15-20 minutesVenezia, the many great moments and our many trips there
96. The many Mayfair Garden parties
97. Trips to all the many places in Europe
98. Action Japan Balls
99. Romana negotiation with the Board of Trade
100. The theft and break-in at Green Street
101. Trips to USA, Chicago and New York
102. My 50 years birthday in Baden Baden
103. Our trips to Paris – so many
104. Our drive and stay in Stresa going to collect Alexander in        Glion
105. Lugarno Hotel Leopoldo
106. Zurich, Bau au Lac, Dolder
107. The hunts in France, including with Colin Campbell and “King  Carole” Jack Daniels
108. Fox-hunting in Chantille
109. Zarkopania, after Christmas, the starting of the Range Rover,
110. Opole, the first visit, my cold
111. Our other visits to Opole and the grave
112. Wanda and Aunt Sophia
113. Our many trips to Mazury
114. Christmas Eve with the Generals, Roman’s without  underwear, just in her black dressmaker
115. Our love in the wet golden fields of Mazury
116. Christmas shopping in New York
117. Visits to South Africa
118. Birthday at the Dorchester
119. Our daily routine at Dorchester Spa
120. The surprise birthday party in Green Street
121. Alexander’s christening
122. Our trip to Denmark and smoke herrings and snaps, our visit to the wood and all the mosquitoes
123. When Prince Albert came to the villa
124. Laura and Prince Albert
125. Wanda’s funeral in Opole, Romana together with Sophia and Wanda’s husband.
126. Lydia and Romana
127. Lady Colin Campbell, Georgina
128. Lydia, her attraction for negative events, driving back with the car on the motorway, what happened.
129. Alexander’s time at Salem and his illness
130. Barbara Diaa, Memmemgen
131. Princess Ali Khan
132. June Bennett-Pilcher, Lady Mayfair
133. Mark Birley and Annabels
134. King Karol of Romania and our Jack Daniels hunt in France
135. Bryan Burroughs and Soho Society, the police corruption with William Moody (Bill) getting 12 years, 20 detectives sacked from the force and 11 imprisoned for 3, ironically Bill was placed in charge of the first major enquiries into police corruption in 1969. The whole squad run a protection racket in Soho.
136. Debo, the Duchess of Devonshire
137. Polo match, Prince Charles, the Sultan of Brunei, Romana   and the dress from Caroline Charles
138. Richard Rogers and the Royal Fine Art Commission
139. Royal Fine Art Commission
140. Madeleine and Peter Hunt, Russell
141. Tina, and Ali, the Benazir Bhutto
142. Lord Alistair McAlpine, Brook Street and
143. Lord Gowrie, Lord Fawsley all at The Art for Mayfair
144. The first MOBO Award at Hannover Grand in 1995?
145. The Reuben brother meeting, how he showed me his  company and personal wealth
146. Bahrain travel, the caviar and the flowers
147. South Africa 3 weeks in 2005
148. The auction at Sotheby, Margaret Thatcher, the watch
149. The Tibetan monk in Paracelsus
150. Meeting Edwin Moses in Zug and how he liked Romana
151. Rolf and Gloria 50th birthday party
152. Romana sang “Rock Your Baby” by George McRae, out loud in Pamela’s kitchen, Romana sang “Fuck Your  Baby
153. Alexander’s christening, the many people
154. Wargrave Tina and the pilot our special barbeque
155. Giuseppe and how becomes a friend
156. Surprise birthday party in Green Street, in Tina’s place
157. Romana’s 40 years birthday at the Dorchester Club
158. Romana saying she has blue blood, showing her blue vein on her so white skin.
159. We staying at Stanhope Hotel at Fifth Avenue in 1998  December in the rooms of Maria Callas, where she stayed in 1974 and Giuseppe did Stefano who had  separate rooms
160. Teatro La Fenice, fire in 1996 in Venice, shortly after our visit.

Romana’s Last Year

Min Romana, Mit Liv Que Sera, Sera!

 (The future is not ours to see), a song that Romana throughout the years loved and sang and danced to even when she knew she little time left. When Mark and Chris were leaving in late August 2007, with all the children, Romana played this on her CD, and we all danced to this song.

She was subject to the Restrain orders, but never formally charged, due to her illness and death

Romana faced her fate with courage, well believing that this was just a journey and she left to a better/other place 

I know now, that we must not be scared of death, it makes what makes life worth living as it is our journey. I have, thanks to Romana, witnesses that we are just on a journey and that there is far more beyond for our soul and spirit. This is Not the end of our journey

As of writing these lines, I ask to die in my sleep most night, not every night but most. I had a good life and experienced much true love and since Romana death, I have only been treading in water not seeing and valued life without her. Even, with Hanna, despite our physical relationship, and the many women I literary ploughed through, in my attempts to forget for a moment my grief, I did not have many wishes for living, reflected in my suicide attempts. For whatever reason, I have lost seeing my grandchildren growing up and I lost my sons a long time ago. Moreover, I can’t take any more pain that they confront me with just thinking of them.

Although I do not believe in purgatory in a Christian sense, nevertheless, I am now going through it for the last 38 month, possibly, since Romana’s death, as of writing for close to eight years. Even writing all this, I do believe that there still is a purpose for my life and reasons why I find myself again subject to injustice and misery. I had not learnt my lesson which was my remit.

Romana’s death took a great part of me away, but other parts of me became more liberated as I lost my fear of death. St. Augustine wrote that “it is only in the face of death that man’s self is born”. Montaigne said, “although the physicality of death destroys us, the idea of death saves us”.

For me, I believe death is just another transition on our journey like birth, one door opens and another close. Some reading these lines will say I have abandon realism in favour of wishful thinking, believe me not so, I have witnessed truly – believe me!

I heard yesterday about one of the bestselling books at the moment with the title Dead is Dead, Or When You are Dead your Dead.

Romana inspired so many with the way that she came to terms with her illness and facing her death. Romana had the courage to laugh every day in the face of death. She would indirectly show like saying brazened, I do not want anyone to think or say that I am fighting a battle with my illness, I bore it bravely, and I am not fighting, losing, winning or bearing. If I had ever had entered into an issue with her, she would have stated that for sure, as she did not like any fuss made around her. Sadly she had to accept my gloomy face and mind, something I am deeply sorry for.

Romana still managed to sparkle most days and took care of her clothes, make-up and looks, covering up her own realisation of what had so gruel happened to her model figure, having lost so much weight. Romana full breast had been reduced like a woman who suffered from anorexia, but she still had the long legs, thinner, but legs as a model, such a thin model which has far too long been in fashion and cover fashion magazines and billboards.

After the first operation, Romana started speaking about “the Light” and that most days she tried to stay close to the light. Just weeks before her death, she complained to Evelyn, our nurse, that she had lost the light. But the light came back. She called her brain tumours ‘the Flintstones’. She often made reference to that they should go to another planet, where they came from.

The light came back and leads her on her way, in a certain comfort to her. Because, this light was constantly, a concern, I started searching the Internet and also spoke to Bernadette, our friend and secretary (as to French) at times. She told me about Dr Melvin L. Morse and his research into NDE (near-death experiences). I made contact with him in the USA and we exchanged emails and told him about Romana experience. I ordered one of his books about the Light, which gave me a lot of thoughts as to his observation and research, all based on children who died for moments. Speaking to these children, shortly after their recovery, he found most of them could tell him a similar “story”. These children had not spoken to anyone, and therefore could not have coordinated their experiences, nor have read about such experiences. Although he knew Sylvia Browne at the time, he never told me about her, and I first found her in Wormwood Scrubs.

How can I begin to write about my dearest, my love Romana, words could never do her justice. Our life, joy was every day steering in my face. Our love, life completeness with the path to eternity.

The Flintstones, Romana’s constant reference to them living far always and had come to enter her brain, she said she wanted them to leave and go back to where they came from in the outer universe.

Love is Life’s Greatest Treasure

As to My Romana, how can I even begin to write about my dearest, my beloved Romana, words could never do her justice. I never thought that Romana was a knock out beauty when I met her. Her real beauty, first after days, weeks and month came to me, the angelic and real true beauty came from her inner. Romana was an honour to her sex, so special and I was so fortunate to have known her. Romana infused my mind with decency and positivity.

Love is life’s greatest treasure, and I was blessed with this treasure by loving and being loved by a so special human being – Romana. I loved everything about Romana. I loved being loved by her, the thousands of glorious memories. She was a passionate vivacious, witty and always gorgeous woman. Romana was a truly knock-out lady, loved life and created such special feelings around her, like an aura. When Romana was steering death in the face, she was a winner, but she “may” die in the process.

I have in the last few years often felt purposeless, even though I know I am still here for a reason. Today with time on my hand, there is something about having time to reflect and revisit events of the past. I have felt the pain of all lives and losses of which I had been a part, more so with the Love of my life Romana. I have witnessed and come to realise that death does not exist, speaking spiritually and symbolically, the reality of death on the physical level is all too real.

With Romana’s openness and acceptance of her situation, we shared the anticipatory grief somehow together; it was the grief of parting, like leaving for a long journey, not ever again sure if we would see each other again. I was never cheerful in most part of my life and time, but during Romana’s illness, I became even more depressive and that was obvious to everyone. Somehow, the chock on the 3rd of January never left me. Therefore, my grief, sadly if I had known what I experienced at Romana’s death, I would not have been so grief-stricken during those 15 months, moreover, I could have truly been some comfort Romana and feel better about what would happen later.

I should write – not an autobiography or tedious dairy but a collage of recollections and reminiscences. There is so many odd experiences in my life with alarming regularity and poignancy, which I now have amble moments to reflect on. I do wish to pay tribute to the memory of Romana; I am greatly indebted to Romana for the light and ultimately witnessing her last journey and transition.

I have been detached from life most of the times since Romana’s death and more so now, in this place of misery. I seek refuge in yesteryears. In fact, since My Romana’s death, I have lived in the prison of the past. All the beautiful memories I have with Romana can’t or should not be mentioned with the words prison, because of its negativity, and everything I experienced with my Romana were positive and beautiful.

I see my life as from great altitude, as a sort of landscape, and with a deepening sense of the connection of all its parts.

At times, in fact, I feel intensively alive, and I want and wish to find the strength to achieve new levels of understanding and insight, trying to straighten my accounts with my family and the world.

I know my day has reached the sunset and I am on the way from this life. Having witnessed many family members, friends and acquaintances die, each dies, and felt the tearing away of part of myself, with the greatest chunk when Romana departed.

There will be no one like us when we are gone but then there is no one like anyone else, ever. When people die and leave this place, they cannot be replaced. They leave holes that cannot be filled, for it is the fate – genetic and neutral fate – of every human being to be a unique individual, to find his own path, to live his own life, to die his own death.

Of everything, I believe that the only real failure – is not to have tried.

A possible shameful admission

Although, I have expressed many times that the events in Denmark, changed me greatly, suffering severe depression, PTSD, and worst my belief in myself. I am ashamed that Romana had to take so much of this, not that I bothered her with all the gory details of my depressions, nor what happened during the 309 days of solitary confinement. For some obvious reason, it was really a subject never talked about.

Romana was a sunshine from the moment her eyes opened, with her first look at me with a smile, a smile all over her face, in her eyes and in all her expression. Therefore, I was right from the morning surrounded by the warmth of this beautiful human being, like I was wrapped in a protected cloth and nothing would hurt me. On reflection, Romana carried the Holy light and that always gives me comfort.

Prior to the events in Denmark, I was not a happy person, In fact, my Mother used to tell me even when I was 18 and later, that people who saw me in the street, thought that I was an arrogant person, never smiling and mostly ignoring them. I told my Mother that was partly due to the fact that I could not see them, as I did not wear my spectacles. Sometimes, even a stranger, mostly women would advise me to cheer up.

I was not, I should emphasise, an unhappy person either, prior to the events in Denmark. I still love to laugh, I think I am pretty much like most people, with moods that shift and transform.  Sometimes, I was happy, sometimes mostly sad and it was this kind of personality that My Romana had to cope with through all the years.

Romana always expressed her total security in me and so many times said to me “I have no fear about tomorrow, as I know you will always do something to solve the situation and can always make enough money. Romana said until I met you, “I always had been surrounded by insecurity but you gave me security”.

Such a statement from Romana meant so much to me, because inside, I felt so disappointed with myself, had fears and many regrets. The fact that My Romana believed in my abilities always gave me great comfort.

The sadness in me did cause problems when Romana had her “downs” once a month, that was difficult, as Romana, pointed out to me, that the fact that I was unable to help her up when she was down, did affect her at times, because she had to muster so much more positivity just to get us both out of the deep whole.

I do feel ashamed, that my depression and sadness must have been difficult for Romana, at times, as she had this great open personality, at times like a young foolish girl, at other time more mature than her real age.  A maturity, which I first now have gained at my age, to see my fellow humans, as they really are and look through all their disguises. Romana had by her intuition such ability to measures up and access people.

Although, she could be blinded by some girlfriend, for a time, girlfriends who just sucked on to Romana’s energy and life. However, she always found out at the end sooner or later, and immediately realised to distant herself and me from such people.

I specific recall Romana’s clarity in December, the month before her brain seizure. We had been in Poland to the funeral of Wanda, her aunt. Prior to leaving Monaco, Romana had made up her mind to slowly disassociate with Lydia, her girlfriend living practically next door with her boyfriend, Nicholas, who both Romana and I liked and his two children, Charley and Alexander. Romana and Lydia spoke every day on the phone, but Romana had concluded that Lydia represented so much negativity, that when we had re-developed the villa, we intended to stay away for at least 6-9 month in 2007. This would provide an opportunity for Romana to keep her distance from Lydia.

As to Poland, after staying with Michael and Basia, Romana said, this is the last time we come to Poland and see these people, they have so bad energy both of them and we must never again stay with them or get close to them, they are bad. Interesting, it took Romana many years to realise this, since these people were very close to us during all the years. It was normal that when we left Warsaw, Romana said never again being surrounded with so much hate and evil, this family destroy itself, referring to the Nivette family.

Romana had concluded in early December 2006, that we had everything and we should focus totally on each other and not allow all this negativity, surrounding us, including most friends in Monaco and around to get close to us. After all, when the villa had been redeveloped, there was absolutely nothing more we both wanted, only being close to each other and enjoy what we already had. Enjoy our large garden/park and the seasons.

Sadly, less than a month later My dearest Romana became fatal ill, and my life started the beginning to the end, to a place on its way, which included the purgatory I daily live in.

Happiness, we are confidently assured, is the objective of life and it is something we “get” by working hard, shopping, playing and exercising our part in the drama of late capitalism. Because capitalism loves the goal of happiness – since it can offer endless products that will promise it. When they fail to do so, it can offer alternative products which make an identical promise. And so on. Commerce thrives on unhappiness. You’d be happy if you were thin enough, fit enough, drive this car, travel to this place, entertained enough – and here is the product for you.

Except, all these products do not give you the ultimate happiness. Like money can’t buy you, love. No doubt that happiness is good for you and for those around you – and there is not greater favour you can do for loves ones than show them your happiness. I did feel many times ashamed when I could not show that to My Romana. I tried and many times overcame myself, just to feel totally happy, and I did have such moments, in fact so many looking back today. Sometimes, happiness, which is relative and can’t be measured, is, therefore, something we first like I now can look back on reflect on, also in a relative sense, specifically at the moment of writing.

Even in this purgatory, I can be happy at times, in fact telling myself all the things in life I should thank my Creator for, and there truly are so many things. We all should write down all such things to remind us every day. I wish I could be happier, but I just do not think it’s a very real possibility. Practically every day, I have my dark moments, where, if it was not for the bad karma surrounding me, I would kill myself.  As I have expressed before, I even cut out from the Guardian pictures of all the misery and evil around, wanting to make a large collage, just to remind me of “how well off, I really am”, just terrible.

The daily parade of disaster on the news is sobering enough. The downer of my status quo, my mortality, even living without My Romana and fear for really old age and sickness possible dementia or worse. I do not fear death at all and still most night pray not to wake up. But unfortunately, My Creator does not hear my prayers, but for me dying would be such happiness right now. I have no sons, no grandchildren and Romana is no longer here, even I have no Family!!

(Although, most of the day I listen to classic music, I am now listen to Smooth Radio and they play George McRae singing Rock Your Baby – Woman take me into your arms….. Romana told me that when she first came to London, she did not understand much English and standing one day in the kitchen of Pamela, they was playing this music and Romana, was singing “Fuck me Baby” just as Alfred, Pamela’s husband came into the kitchen” Romana, thought that this was George McRae was singing). Obviously, Pamela told her the correct text.

——————

The dysfunctional status of human institution, their injustices and our evil to each other can only add to the state of an old man mind. The difficulties of human communication, even with our closest and loved ones, produce as much isolation as the connection. The corruption and venality of the powerful are daily reminders of the ubiquitous nature of injustice.

I think we can find happiness through good work, this is also an ideology. I am as likely to be disappointed by doing the right thing, as I am elevated. The secret truth is that being unselfish can leave you just as empty as being selfish. Not that I am not advocating being selfish.

There is somewhat, a depressing observation for me, it does appear that “the happiness of stupid people”.  Anyone intelligent and sensitive and thoughtful cannot look at the world and themselves without some inkling that everything, although strange and remarkable, is not always awesome. Anyway, the light relies on the dark exist.

Finally, as to happiness, I believe that we as human somehow can be easier happy, if we realise and accept our status quo and most of all our limits and console ourselves with what we have. I have always said that the true working classes of society are most happy, even in the old days infidelity was far more prevalent among working people than in the upper classes. This could be argued as to my previous statement as to “the happiness of stupid people”.

 I know, that is terrible to console oneself with the truth, that we have limits. It even worse, when I believe and tell all young people, there is no limits to what you can be in life or what you can change in this world. Somehow, both these observations are conflicting, but I still want this statement to remain. Because, I believe truly that all children should be taught, that there are no limits to what they can archive.

A pat on my back from My Romana, she told me so many times during her last 15 months, “I had a good life and you gave me the best years of my life, full of happiness and love” That statement, warm my heart every day! In this cold and dark cell.

Our LOVE

Romana always showed me so much thoughtfulness and consideration, apart from her devoted love, Romana gave me all the respect anyone can give another person. Many women had previously bestowed on me, such consideration and respect, but none that I admired and loved like Romana.

If one listens to the singing duo of La Boheme, Act 1 “O Soave fanciulla” the end singing in duo – amore. That was what we had throughout the years, moments, hours and days together in total harmony and love. Harmony and true togetherness.

Romana and the kitchen

Romana relaxed in the kitchen, she told me very early, that when she had some thoughts on her mind, she would go to the kitchen and cook and bake. Before we met, she could even get up at night, go to the kitchen, and cook something, anything. This seemed to focus her mind, and I did find that sometimes, during the day, she certainly started “big cooking or baking”, without sharing what was on the mind, before later when I questioned her.

Whereas I always have a problem with burning what I am cooking, everything and have truly to watch, Romana never burned anything and she had a knack for cooking and dishes. Romana liked cooking for me because she knew I appreciated all her dishes. She never felt that Alexander enjoyed any food, apart from when he was a small child, all the obvious children dishes. Apparently, Angus did not go much into foods, and did not really show any appreciation; food for him was just energy to live.

Romana and I loved food, we enjoyed going specific to restaurants for the food and wine. We would discuss the dishes, and many times would speak to the chef and ask for details as to the various preparations and cooking. In London, when the first Lebanese restaurants open, all the many chefs, did not wish to part with any cooking secrets, however, Romana used to get some of them. Thereafter, she would make the dish, always going to the right places to get proper herbs and spices. We went regularly to the Chinese supermarket in Soho, the Lebanese supermarket of Edgware Road. Romana went to a place with Tina and Ali to buy Pakistani spices and had copied Ali’s chicken.

Later when we went to South Africa, Romana loved that she could buy so many special herbs and spices in the Malay area of Cape Town. It was a dangerous area, so I waited in the car outside with the engine running, so Romana could just run and we took off.

Since all these herbs and spices provided for a year or longer colour and flavour, the ingredients made us believe, we were eating in Malaysia or some exotic place.  When Romana cooked such dishes, it was always for us; we loved the food, the wines and the company and did not really need anyone around to take the enjoyment away.

For many years, even before I met Romana, I had been eating at Al Hambra, in Shepherd Market Mayfair. I knew the owner Alexander, who delivered food to the Saudi, with the embassy less than 100 meters away. Romana and I were eating regularly in Al Hambra and received a very good service. Alexander had at times more than 20 chefs working downstairs; even it was a small restaurant. We loved the Turkish cuisine mixed with the Lebanese, a little French and Mediterranean.

We always received the best table available that was important because many times, the place was so full and people were waiting outside.

Once the restaurants was closed for outsiders. Considering Romana and I saw several Saudi security people with small machine guns standing around, and surprise that such was allowed, when Alexander saw us, he took us to a table in the middle of the restaurant and told us, that it was only because it was us otherwise, he would not allow anyone in. Along with the window to …….               sad a long line of beautiful young women, all in different clothes and with a different skin. All sitting with their elbows on the table showing “up in the face” the jewellery which crowned their arms, hands, neck, fingers and even the head. They were after all, all princess. On the other side along the windows, sad only men dressed most of them in traditional Arab clothing. Apparently, they were all princess. Both the women and the men were speaking in Arabic, so we could not understand a word.

So there we had a meal, among all this wealth! We did have many memorial meals in Al Hambra; sometimes we did take other people there. However, from 1987 -1998, I and later Romana and I had become several times a month customer. The food was never boring, with the fresh vegetables always immediately on the table and everything freshly cooked downstairs. We did for ease go to Marouch in Edgeware Road, when he first opened. We like to just sit at the bar or we ordered take always.

La Reserve

Immediately after Roman’s first operation in Nice at Pasteur Hospital on 12 January 2007, I decided to take Romana to La Reserve, the 5-star de-luxe hotel in Beaulieu, after Romana’s recovery in the hospital.

Our stay at the La Reserve, was most days not that private, as Romana’s sister’s son Mirek flew down and Alexander and Marie Claire came regularly, so did many friends, who had stayed away from the hospital, apart from a brief visit. Many people do not like hospitals; therefore, this gave them all an opportunity to see Romana. So many came for a drink to the hotel, despite, it was a little too early for Romana, but she never showed and always just was smiling, but I knew when I took the odd photo, that Romana must have felt awful.

I regret today, and after Roman’s death that I did not video and take more photographs. I should have like many more video, but I felt bad about taking these, in front of Romana, there was to me something which did hold me back in doing this. I can’t explain, but it appeared a little selfish for me to take such video and pictures, which did not mean anything to Romana. But, I truly regret that I did not have overcome myself to do this, as I can’t get enough of anything of Romana and our moments captured in films. It is like Romana’s beautiful hair. Even that Romana’s body was lying next to me in our big bed, for two days, I never thought or could get myself to cut a piece of her hair. I do not know why, I should truly have liked some of her hair, and later when I found a brush with some of her hair, I tried to gather it.

I believe witnessing her death, really gave me another view on all this and I somehow could not get myself to take anything from her dead body. Even, when I decided to photograph her dead body, I felt a little bad, but they have asked me to, so I could send the pictures.

Paris/Feb 2007

In February we went to Paris to see one of the world’s most renowned experts on brain tumours, Professor J. Y. DeLattre, Head of Neurologie Marazin at Hospitalier Groupe Pitie-Salpretriere. This professor was present when they brought Princess Diana’s body to the hospital after the car accident.

I was concerned travelling with Romana alone; nevertheless, she appeared better and was able to function.

Our flight to Paris went relative well, but that was not the case when we were going back to Nice, as the Charles de Gaulle airport had a bomb alarm and Romana was separated from me when the alarm was called. Romana was sitting in an area of the airport where it was possible to smoke, at a cafe, with our trolley and bags. I had gone to speak to an official, as there appeared to be some confusion as to the flight. Obviously, this was due to the eminent bomb threat, but no one knew at the time. Therefore, when the alarm went I was first ordered and then taken outside the building with everybody and the various part of the large building was segregate with police and official running all around in great panic. This panic also grabbed me because Romana was alone and could be easily a little agitated if something around certainly changed. I did try to let my concern be known to various people who appeared to be directing the operation but in vain.

I felt very frustrated and started imagining the worst, as everyone expected a bomb to go off and knowing that Romana first would ignore anyone telling her to get out, I become very worried with fear for my Romana and blamed myself for not travelling with a nurse or helper, and that I should never have left Romana alone. But all my concern and dreadful thoughts were soon to be in vain since Romana had been evacuated and there was no bomb and appeared very cram and in control when I saw her.

When we normally went to Paris, we stayed in a range of hotels from George V, The Lancaster to small boutique hotels in St. Germaine, like Le Hotel. During the time that Romana had a special discount card, allowing us up to 60-70% reduction in the cost of hotel rooms, we stayed in various 4-5 stars hotel, depending upon their offer. This time I found a new very small hotel, which looked more like a private villa close to St. Pettipierre hospital. During our stay, we did not go anywhere outside the hotel, except I went shopping for a few items including some drinks. Romana stayed in the hotel, did not eat much and only had wine and smoking.

Smoking

Interestingly, Romana had not smoked for most of the years I had known her. Shortly after we met, she said one day to me, how could you ever kiss a woman who smokes and I told her it was like kissing an ashtray, not quite true, nevertheless, I did not like smoking. I had noticed when I was younger that it can be quite sexy to see a beautiful woman smoke the way she exhales and hold the cigarette, have long manicured hands, also how she sits, e.g. like Monica Lake and Marlene Dietrich. But I must admit I did not like Romana smoking, the various times she did, although she made a great effort not to kiss me and clean her mouth after every cigarette and never did let her hair smell of smoke. Further, Romana never smoked in the bedroom and in the villa, most of the time went outside when she smoked. Considering that Romana always smelled so feminine and never sweat, and I am a non-smoker I am always very conscious of smells. She managed to at least never smell of smoke somehow. However, I must say – her smoking I did not like, but made no fuss when she was dying.

There had been a three specific period when Romana smoked, one in Green Street caused by her girlfriend Anna Prior (Bornholt) breaking up with her husband. Anna came many mornings with a bottle of Champaign and smoked like a trooper, so Romana joined her after a while. That took nearly a year for Romana to stop and later at the villa, in 2002 when Romana had thyroid cancer and when Romana had the brain tumours, she took to smoking. She would only smoke less than half of the cigarette and insisted on me buying the thin and long Cartier and Capri cigarette.

March 2007/ – The operation on the 14^th March 2007

Returning to the villa and after a visit to a scan (SRM) in Monaco, the doctors could see a tumour with a diameter of 6cm inside Romana’s brain, not visual at all on her head. One day we had been in Nice shopping after the visit to the hospital, Romana had to see the latest from Zara in Nice, although she did not buy much. What we did buy was a large amount of various cosmetic and an expensive wig made of real hair (£400), Romana never used this wig and it never became necessary for Romana to wear a wig, only at the birthday celebration for our friends in Switzerland in September, when Romana was a Chinese. So one could not see anything from the first operation and neither that Romana in the beginning of March had a large tumour of the size of a tennis ball in her brain – just nothing.

The days was most dramatic and traumatic in early March, as they ordered Romana into the hospital on the 2 March more than a week before the operation, which even was delayed a few days. The odds were not good that Romana would wake up after the operation.

I stayed at the hospital next to Romana every night before and after the operation on the 14 of March.  Another bed was placed directly next to Romana’s in the single bedroom, and I slept there for 11 days and Alexander stayed one night with his mother.

After the operation and a few days in intensive care, Romana came back to the department to recover and I stayed with her for a week in the hospital going back to the villa during the day and bringing her special food from home, food cooked by a girlfriend who had flown in from South Africa.

Many times returning I would find Romana sitting in the window, all open, smoking. Always in good spirit with a compliment to the nurses. There were also many visitors daily to see Romana and her two doctors looked in. We both had close to a German doctor Daniel von Langsdorff and his family. He liked Romana very much and took special care of her every day a very conscientious and considered human being.

The nurses treated Romana with great consideration and care, Romana tipped them from time to time and pointed them out to me, when we were served breakfast in the morning. I regularly gave a small present to some of the nurses and since Easter was coming, I purchased special large Easter eggs for all the nurses, in fact, I spent nearly a thousand Euro on chocolate for the department, but it was well worth it, they took good care of my Romana. I still recall waking up to laughter next to Romana, with a nurse serving breakfast to us. One would think that it was me who was ill, because of my doom and gloom, Romana saw my tears many times in the evenings before sleeping. As usual, she assured me that she was happy and that she had a good life and the crown and glory was the years we had together, they meant everything to her and she thanked me, I feeling worse, because I should thank her, she was everything to me.

My cousin and her husband had flown in from Denmark and …… had arrived from South Africa to visit Romana. Since it was a very serious operation and Daniel Von Langsdorf thought, it would be all right, I got permission to take Romana home for lunch and the afternoon on Sunday (9th March) where ……… had cooked a temperate meal for all of us, but specifically Romana who she loved.

Romana was moving around in a wheelchair and truly enjoyed the Champagne and all her friends, laughing and smiling all the time, showing her beautiful mind and person among us all that day as always – an opening to her soul.

Romana and marriage

After Roman’s death, I have become somewhat ashamed that I was unable to marry Romana during her 15 months of illness, ashamed because, I should have done more to get divorced. I knew it would be a fight, especially with Mark, and I was too weak to take this on with my depression and pre grieving. Just too weak, nevertheless, I do feel ashamed.

My Dear Romana was one day sitting with me and Sharnaz outside on the veranda, and Sharnaz pressed Romana and me that we must get married, knowing that Romana was dying. Romana saved me as always and said. Mogens has been looking in the jewellery shops in Monaco and there is not any diamond big enough for me. Well, I did feel bad knowing the truth, which Romana not really knew, because I could not marry her.

Even Bernadette spoke to me about it and said we really must be married.

Through all the years, Romana did not want to change our relationship, because she felt as I it was complete. She always quoted various people who had got married after many years together and then shortly after broke up.

Lord Byron in Don Juan III: 5 say: 

“Tis melancholy, and fearful significant

Of human frailty, folly, also crime,

That love and marriage rarely can combine,

Although they both are born in the same clime,

Marriage and love, like vinegar from wine –

A sad, sour, sober beverage – by time

Is sharpen’d from its high celestial flavour

Down to a very homely household savour.

Lord Byron’s humour lies in the cynicism, and in his claim that what is admirable before marriage becomes ridiculous afterwards, so the passion of a lover is risible in a husband because it suggests excessive devotion to his wife.  He claims that it is surely impossible to admire the same things for ever.

Her I disagree with Lord Byron, I did admire Romana and my admiration grew by the days, months and years together, I frankly worshipped her. Finally, at her 15 months fight facing death. With my admiration for Romana, I also became more devoted, this to some extent affected my relationship with many, outside us two, including Alexander and some of Roman’s girlfriends, who sucked her spirit at times. During Romana’s illness, I acted far too harsh towards Alexander at times, but I thought that Marie Claire would help to explain, but perhaps both were too young to see my side of it.

Romana could have been a woman of substance in any society

Our Doctors and Friends

Dr Daniel von Langsdorf, Dr Philippe Scemama and Professor Paquis

Romana had such a special relationship with her doctors; she had become very close to Philippe Scemama our family doctor after him “gave her life” with finding the thyroid tumour in 2002. Later on with Dr von Langsdorf, both Romana and I got close to him and his wife and children. I continued after the death of Romana to be close to the family and saw them many time letting them stay in the villa. Sadly, with Hanna I abandon the contact. “Gave her life” with finding the thyroid tumour in 2002. Later on with Dr von Langsdorf, both Romana and I got close to him and his wife and children. I continued after the death of Romana to be close to the family and saw them many time letting them stay in the villa. Sadly, with Hanna I abandon the contact when we moved north

Paracelsus/St. Gallen

We first heard about Paracelsus clinic at a dinner party in St. Tropez in September 2006, when an American told us about his wife, who he had only been married to for one year, she was at the time at the clinic. Described by others at the party as a most beautiful young woman full of life.

He lost his first wife some years earlier after they had just purchased a castle close to Ix-en-Provence. They had five children together. So after his bereavement having lost his wife, he met a year later this beautiful young French woman who was loved by his five children. He never thought we would experience love again. After being married for one year his new wife was found to have a brain tumour. They had contacted the best authority in France for advice that was the professor who Romana and I later consulted in Paris. This professor recommended   a clinic for alternative treatment near St. Fallen in Switzerland. So his wife received regular treatment there, at the time for nearly a year, when her prognoses had been only to live for months.

He also told me that he had rented another of his properties to Angela Jolie and Brat Pit, which appear they now have purchased, he knew them both well and their children played together.

When Romana had her second operation, I contacted this American and he told me about the name of the Paracelsus and gave me all the contact numbers. Although, I again spoke to him and exchanged emails, I do not know what happened to his wife; neither did I tell him about Romana’s fate.

Romana and I travelled in early June 2007 to the clinic, staying in St. Gallen and the Einstein Hotel. We returned ten days later when Romana was treated there for nearly three weeks. We stayed in Appenzell in an exclusive family hotel on the famous square. We had taken our dog Amey with us and she gave me company during the day Romana was at the clinic.

During our stay in St. Gallen at Paracelsus clinic, Romana dressed every day to shine her femininity upon the gloom surrounding most of the patients, most facing early death. You could always hear her laughter around the clinic lifting the spirit of many of the visiting patients and the nursing staff. It was a daily delight to hear everybody speak about Romana, she was so special.

Prior to going to St. Gallen and Paracelsus, Romana received chemotherapy at Princess Grace Hospital in Monaco, where she daily had fun with the staff, who she gave various names. Some of these staff members told me that “Romana make our day” and always give us lots of laughter. She literally made everything sparkle around her, with her looks, humour and optimism. The staff truly loved her and expressed this by their actions and words.

During one of our stay long stay (3 weeks) in Appenzell, Romana dressed beautiful for every dinner, came back to the hotel from a very demanding day at the clinic, changed clothes for dinner. Romana did that for me, because she knew I liked dinner, although, Romana could not really eat. Despite this, Romana would express to me that she enjoyed the good cuisine and wine.

Outward she never showed emotions or complained as to the horrendous treatment she had undergone that day, only her smiling face and compliments to the hotel chef, staff and the owners, yes and to the guest. So typical of her. Romana had a gruelling agenda every day at the clinic, getting up early, shower, prepare her clothes, make-up and taking her considerable amount of medication before going to breakfast with me, mostly just to keep me company, always asking if she looked alright.

Romana always considered me from the first days after we met and look out for me in everything putting me first. I was her greatest priority and devotion until she could no more, the last weeks in March 2008.

Because Romana was shining at the clinic, so many patients from all over the world came up to us. Some we shared dinners with and kept in contact with by telephone and emails. Two specific people, two women came close to us, Gloria from Mexico and Julia from USA. Gloria husband owned medical clinics all over Mexico and she travelled once a year to St. Gallen. Her husband and she considered Paracelsus as the best clinic in the world for alternative medicine. Both Gloria and Julia credited the clinic for being alive as they both suffered from fatal cancer. They both regularly telephoned Romana from USA and Mexico, carrying out telephone conversations for hours, all I could hear was a continuous laughter coming from Romana, with lots of girl talk. At times Romana sounded as a 16-year-old girl.

Romana was the most important person in my life, the most decent human being I have met in all my adult life. She had a high moral and ethical. Her person inspired me every day.

There is no doubt that Romana’s true character flourish during her last 15 months, fighting her brain tumours, her daily attitude to her body, her pain and suffering did not reflect her shining upon everything. She always appeared light-hearted and thankful. Thankful for her life and thankful for everything, even for small things. When she showed gratitude to the nurse or cleaners, she thanked them from her heart and with sincerity. Always looking for small presents to give staff at home and at the clinic. We went several times just shopping for something to give them including to our most cherish nurse, who took so care of Romana.

Hotel de Paris/December 2007

Her humour was evident at so many moments, like in December 2007, just months away from her death, one later afternoon we were at Hotel de Paris with her sister Alexandria and her son Mirek. We gathered around a small table in the great gypsy band was playing. The hall beautiful decorated with one huge decoration for Christmas and exclusive and sumptuous setting all reflecting the season spirit.

Therefore, we were four people sitting down, having a cocktail drink. Several guests shouted a greeting across the room or came over to say hello.  A friend, John, who created the annual International Music Award in Monaco, seen on television the world over, saw us from another table and came over to greet us, specifically Romana. Kissing her and holding her hand he said. “I am surprised to see you”. Romana immediately replied. “I am surprised to see myself here!” just laughing, so typical.

John is a rather interesting person, who got the original idea about holding the World Music Award, which brought a lot to the Monaco reputations. However, in the later years, he had some terrible things happening; partly his attractive wife took too much cocaine. He had witness his wife speaking at a public event, saying to the Prince Albert and the audience that she had been fucked and made love to by so many men in the room including the Prince; she could not count the men. A most embarrassing occasion, which was “entre nous”. This event meant that John moved his Annual Music Award to USA for some years, until the Prince asked him to bring it back to Monaco. John knew about Romana was dying and was truly surprised see her at Hotel de Paris. We had known him for years; he used to walk from Monte Carlo to Laghet the monastery every Sunday, quite a long walk up the mountain taking hours. He knew about the miracles from Laghet and had taken Olivia Newton-John, the singer there, who believed her breast cancer had been cured due to Laghet. She came every year to Monaco to go to Laghet.

Romana’s Worry

Whereas, I constantly was gloomy and could not hide my tears, despite I tried hard to do so, Romana consoled me by telling about the beautiful life and moments we had enjoyed together for which we both should be thankful. I felt so bad  and did truly tried to hide my silent tears, the seizure on the 3^rd January  had been a choking experience and I did take too much medication and drunk too much every day, all making it worse.

Romana’s greatest worry and concern, apart about her son and what was going to become of him, what was going to happen to me after her death? She continuously said to me:”You must not look for women in Monaco, South of France or London, you must go east, go to Russia, Ukraine and Poland. Do not take the Iranian and French or German women, we knew many. You deserve women who will put you first, not bully you”. Romana always considered me a big “soft bear” and that Elizabeth, my wife, had been able for years to bully me, through the years before the event in Denmark. She witnesses my son’s emotional blackmail, my pain of not seeing my grandchildren and supported me every moment, by creating a positive atmosphere around.

In late June 2008, three months after Romana’s death, 14 women and one man, Karl Frederick, took me to the Royal Auto mobile Club in Monaco for lunch, only three of the women, had their man and one was Karl Frederick wife, Sharnaz and Ilse. All the others, very wealthy and most available for a man by their side.

Romana told her girlfriends, including Lydia and Tina, to look to that I went to the East to find women. She did not trust my sons, Mark specifically and was worried about his dark and complex personality and how this could affect my future life, She was concerned about the villa and spend hours alone with Mark in our bedroom speaking to him alone.

Romana was not worried as to the case in London because she knew the truth and expected Pamela’s lies to be exposed, even before any trial. Romana and I did never think for a moment that it ended with years of injustice.

She expressed her view as to Pamela to Morag Rea and the barrister Ian Winter QC, when they visited us in July 2007. Romana told them that Pamela always took the last persons views and was a born actor; she had to be because of her situation after the war with a child. Further, when she started drinking with her husband Alfred and every day had to cover up her addiction. When I was arrested in December, just flying in for the day to London, I did not tell her about my arrest and that I was taken to Pentonville prison before my legal team got me free.

Romana had this sixth sense and could read people with great wisdom, she had a natural intuition and despite she looked at the positive side of people, she was quite aware of their hidden motives and actions.

Through the years together, she regularly warned me so many times about getting involved with several people, including Pamela initially and many time during the years helping Pamela.

Growing up in the shadow of the Communism and all its misery, Romana had learned early in life in Poland with the communist regime, seeing people’s bad side and their weaknesses, in power and with money. Interestingly she somewhat feared authorities and systems, public administration and justice. Once when we considered her to stand as a councillor at Westminster City Council, she expressed her concern as being a politician and a public person, since Romana could not be an artificial person and a liar. No, Romana did not lie; nor could she deal with lies, she was an open and warm human being.

My life ended when Romana left this world, so therefore, I am more than half-dead and my soul is mortally wounded. After my suicide attempt in September 2012, I decided to clear Romana and my name, Romana was indirectly charged and under retrain. Her son Alexander was charged and the case thrown out of court as he also was innocent. I did not know about the in absentia trial. 

Through the years, only some of my sons wanted me to go to England to deal with the case and the in absentia trial, but others did not think their father should go through hell his last years, as I of all people should know that there is nothing called justice. Moreover, I was ill with severe depression. However, in 2012 it became evident that all my sons wanted me to go to England to clear this mess. Although, I was told that they would arrange millions of pound cash bail and assist me, this did not turn out to be the case.

I had to fight my last battle alone and in solitude, without any help from the rest of my family. I have only seen my son Mark for less than 70 minutes in 26 months, not my other sons at all and indeed not even received a card or letter. My adopted son Alexander, Romana’s son has been to see me twice a year.

Therefore, after my suicide attempt, I knew I had to go into the darkness and the cold winter night, but I had absolutely, no idea that the British penal system was so dysfunctional and Victorian. Just like, I had absolutely no idea that the British justice system could allow my in absentia trial, without my presence, my defence lawyers, defence documentation and witnesses.

Romana knew that I loved the company of women, specifically beautiful ones. Therefore, she somehow always arranged to have of women around me. We had so many coming home and some staying with us, more so when we moved to the villa.

She was never jealous, it was simple not in her person, nor was she insecure or did not trust me. As I believe that women have generally, far better judgement as to other human beings, I let Romana select many of the women working in the galleries. She always selected the most attractive, mostly young girls much younger than herself, many coming from countries abroad, from Poland to Greece, some very flirtatious.  We did have some beautiful girls working for us and that did draw the men and visitors to the galleries.

My assistant Melanie for many years had not been selected by Romana. I did mention her after I had interviewed her and others, to Romana; however, I can’t remember Romana influenced me in any way as to Melanie’s employment. Melanie was a tall, blond and beautiful natural girl, quite stunning with an attractive figure and face. A smiling and nice human being. Considering I worked with her every day for hours, even having lunch with her, I should have expected some hint of jealousy from Romana – no. In fact, Romana brought her into our home life and Melanie became a part of the family.

When we were about, shopping or abroad, Romana would point out a specific beautiful woman from time to time, saying just look at her fantastic figure, face or body, only sometimes her clothes and accessories. Romana, as I, adored beauty and beautiful people. Romana could sit in a restaurant pointing out to me a woman with long legs or how she handled herself, without any form for jealousy.

Whereas, when I later, after Roman’s death met Hanna, and she would walk into a restaurant always making sure that we sat far away from others and for certain that I faced her and no one else, Romana enjoyed having people around and would never place me just having her to look at. She did like to have a view, so to say in a restaurant of the different guests, but never stopped me from looking around. Although, my eyes was always upon her smiling face. The jealousy of Hanna was killing, Tina warned me that it was a sickness and would ruin any relationship, she was right.

Tina (Christina) and her daughter Laura became a regular fixture of our lives, specific after Gerald death, but even before. Gerald had been

Tina husband for 25 years and they had Laura. 

Our First Meeting

Our lives, like clouds shape themselves, sometimes they develop in beautiful places with sun warming its light on the azure ocean, and sometime they develop over the worst pollution of mankind. Clouds will shape, merge, and just go. It is their journey of transitions.

Our lives are also born in many places on this earth and shape themselves depending on place in time and space. Our environment and where we are born is important in our lives, like for the clouds.

Some clouds merge with many and become big leaving an impact on their environment with storm, thunder, rain and snow, the few become hurricanes and devastating typhoons before they go away.

We human can merge our minds with many, we can merge our souls with few, and most of us are never so fortune. Nevertheless, we can all merge and receive; building up our minds and body and just go away, not really a journey of transition.

As with clouds, it is something of luck and special circumstances if you are blessed with finding your paradise, or the right cloud to merge with.

Apart from my birth, the most important event in my life was meeting Romana Ewa Nager-Zukowska from Opole. This was my blessing and fortune in life.

Our first encounter was not eventful in itself, but the date is every moment in my mind today. Shepherd Place run between Grosvenor Square and Lees Place, some will say Upper Brook Street, as Grosvenor Square stop/begin at the top of Shepherd Place. The place does not allow traffic and it has always been an attractive walk though place and cars were not allowed to park either.

I knew an important Mayfair resident in the place, Sunny, the 11th Duke of Marlborough, who I already meet with the Duke of St. Albans back in 1967. Charles, the Duke of St. Albans served on the board of two of my companies (Associated Financial Planning and Intervestment Management) Sunny as the duke of Marlborough was nicknamed was a very refine person with an eye for the ladies, with his home, one of the most beautiful castles in England, Blenheim Palace. When Sunny was the Marques of Blandford at 35 in October 1961 he married Tina Onassis, he had two children and she had two from her marriage to Onassis. Sunny was later married again after Tina, but was always a real English gentleman.

After I returned to Mayfair in 1987 and later became acting chairman of the local appointed amenity group for the residents, I one day saw him in the street and we exchanged some small talk. I later through the years often run in to him as he liked to walk. He was a tall and thin gentleman, always very noble. In the sixties and seventies he had a lot of problems with his son, who is now the 12^th Duke, he was a drug addict and imprison for a short time.

Apart from him, I had been fighting a building further down the place, which was being used for illegal short lets and operated like a hotel, without proper licence. We fought such misuse of property and it could become dangerous for the residents, as to noise etc. Worst the owners could make a fortune and that was making other jealous.

Opposite the duke’s house in Shepherd Place was a row of 6-7 red brick houses built in the late 19th century, possibly early 20th century with gardens at the back. I knew that a widow from Henry Ford lived there, next door to a member of the Pearson family owners of the Financial Times. I had also read in 1989 that a financier house, which was being sold as he had been convicted of fraud and stealing his client’s money and sentence to 6-7 years.

This financier’s house became significant to me for two reasons, first, it was outside his house I first spoke to Romana and secondly the property was purchase of people who later became friends of Romana and me. Their son went to Hill House School with Alexander, Romana’s son, their names Rachel and Ricci Burns. He had been hairdresser to Princess Margaret and she was from a wealthy German Jewish family. Ricci had a boutique in Old Bond Street.

The residences of Shepherd Place had decided to hold a street party, in September 1989. Even later on, I never found out why the residents had decided to hold such a party and I never knew why. Neither did they ever to my knowledge held such an event again.

So on the afternoon on the 7^th September 1989 a street party was held. Considering, I was acting chairman of the Residents’ Association of Mayfair, I had to attend together with our Lord Mayor of Westminster David Avery (councillor for Soho). At least I had to show my face at the event.

Afternoon street parties are somewhat difficult because the fall between lunch and before cocktail hours, so serving coffee and tea is all they can do. It is not like garden parties. The other street parties was always when the offices was closed, so wine and champagne could be served.

I arrived late to Shepherd Place after David Avery and I immediately started my round of shaking hands with our members and residents ending up speaking to Leo Walter, who was vice-chairman of the Residents’ association. Leo was also a councillor of Windsor and Maidenhead council, living in Holyport, and he had served as Lord Mayor of Windsor. Leo and I got on well and shared our love for attractive women. Being a member of the Conservative Monday Club, he was rather right-right wing.

After a while, Leo took me across to meet one of his neighbours in Mayfair, where he had a small flat in Dunraven Street. The woman he introduced me to was Romana. After our initial small talk, Leo went away and I was left with Romana, who appeared an attractive and charming, but I did not find her open to relationship, also she told me she was married and her husband lived in Brussels.

We spoke about Mayfair and how long we each had lived there. As she was looking at her clock, she told me that she had to go a collect her son Alexander in Hill House. This led me to tell her about my three sons and that they went to Hill House for many years in the 1960s and 1970s. When the two oldest starting at Hill House colonel Townsend had only 120 pupils in the school, which used to send all the boys to G lion above the Montreux in Switzerland every 6 weeks. The colonel always said that he did not want gals and coloured, Chinese dirty knees. He was quite adamant about this, as my wife Elizabeth and I have regular dinner with him when his wife was abandoned to Glion and told not to show her face in London. His wife was close to Prince Charles who had attended Hill House, that is how the colonel started and she used to receive regular letters and communication from Prince Charles.

Telling Romana that my sons had attended the school gave us something to talk about for the next 10-15 minutes, where in between, many members and women came up to me to say hello. It was a beautiful sunny day and warm so many women had their summer dresses and hats on. Since, I can’t remember all the nitty-gritty about the event, Romana filled me in later. I told her that I was separated from my wife; however, she told me afterwards that she thought I was still a married man as I spoke so much about my sons. Elizabeth had already moved out of Berkeley Square to Chelsea.

So Romana was listening to me speaking about my sons, their education and what they were doing. My hunting instinct did not even light up as Romana appeared not to be that kind of a woman, moreover, I still had my woman in Zurich, Elizabeth Walther and I travelled many weekend to Switzerland, as I also had a place in Zurich, Wollebgasse 7.

According to Romana and Tina later telling me, Romana had gone and collected Alexander and gone straight into Tina’s house (next door in Green Street, she had 6 floors) and told Tina that she had met a very good man and father who just spoke about his sons. Romana was impressed with my compassion as a father, and also told Tina, that this is the kind of man she should have found. She would have loved to meet me before she married and had a child. I was really a man according to her dreams.

In my memory, I can’t say that I was left with that impression of Romana, yes she was tall and quite dignified woman, very feminine but not a Sloane or stunning, moreover she had a son. I found her attractive and having an open personality. Thinking back, it somewhat took me step by step over weeks and months to fall in love with Romana and ultimately truly love her and adore her and finding my true soul mate.

I did not find Romana extra pleasing/model beautiful when we met, neither when we had our first kiss.  In fact, I recall seeing this young very beautiful Polish girl serving, at Roy Miles opening in the building (27 Berkeley Square). In early December 1989. Having met Romana three time and even kissed, I recalled this girl’s beauty and breath of femininity and at the time thought that – this is a woman I want to pursue.

The real beauty in Romana came to me when I started seeing her soul getting to know her, her decency, her moral and ethic, all her deeds and sincerity.

For years I had advised men, clients or in my capacity of trustee, to never fall in love or get involved with a women with a son, if he is over the age of five. Because, such son will always later cause trouble. One of my American friends once told me “first feelings” thereafter you “fuck” and later “you will be fucked.” Rather crude by quite right.  A boy at five have already received most input and if his father is not around, he will already start having idea about possession of his mother, replacing the father. This will always lead to conflict in a relationship. But I’m good at giving advice which I never follow myself.

In this case I was proven wrong as to my advice, because later Romana’s Alexander become very close to me and my heart.

After meeting Romana for the first time, I did not spare her any more thoughts, moreover, several, very rich ladies of Mayfair was giving me encouragement. In addition, I had Elizabeth in Zurich. and if I am truthful slept with a few women who I met in Morton right next to me in Berkeley Square. One specific became an embarrassment, since she came to my door several times, calling the intercom and once my son Mark spoke to her, she was a British Airways hostess, and yes I was a naughty boy.

1989 was an important years for, me, how important I first realised later with meeting my soul mate Romana. I had in May (24) won a great victory against Denmark at the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg, where 17 countries judges had made the judgement that Denmark had breach with Convention with a very important Article 6, the right to a fair trial, in their political case against me. This was the first time since the signing the Convention, that Denmark had lost a case at the Court. 1989 also became a historic year for the suffering masses in Eastern Europe, with the fall of the Berlin Wall. In China the Tiananmen massacre took place in early June, just ten days after my ECHR victory.

Also earlier that year Elizabeth/Mary Ellen (as she now prefer to be called) had finally decided that we could no longer live together and she did not like that I had involved myself with Mayfair. I had engaged myself in charity and local community work and she did not like that at all. I was still badly affected from the events in Denmark in 1980-84. I had period of severe depression and general lack of confidence as it was difficult for others to know what had happened in Denmark specifically in the City. This caused my concern as to my involvement with re-establishing as a limited company The Society of Technical Analyst, also my work in the Mayfair community   and the Royal Academy of Arts.

My relationship with my sons, which mattered a lot to me, had deteriorated because of their Mother’s influence and she became a victim in their mind and I only appeared to have a good time, attending lots of parties and events in Mayfair.

Mark and Mogens had been working for several years in the City. They started really working for the worst to later working for the better and more established. This meant that they saw the truth and what financial companies and their owners did for greed. How clients was always subject to be ripped off and churned. That they all did it, even the blue blooded Merchant banks. Both of them worked first for Harvard Securities and OTC dealer, who at the time was quite famous in the City, working with a boiler room operation selling worthless stocks to all the uninitiated, making big money.

I escaped from reality somewhat by drinking too much, mostly wine every day, with lunches and later spirit. I buried myself in local issues and the arts. I had already in 1987/88 invented the concept for Art for Mayfair and Art for London. I re-organised the residents’ association and made a professional approach with computerisation. (More later).

In October, a month after meeting Romana, Leo Walters held a cocktail party to celebrate the purchase of another apartment in the Dunraven house, just around the corner from Romana. At this party, he had invited many people I knew, including Tina, Laura and Romana. Laura started flirting with me after Leo introduced us, since I spoke to many people, as I was the chairman than of the residents’ association, I did only briefly say hallo to Romana. Tina was also hanging around me, always with a flirtatious face and personality. Laura was showing her youth in front of her mother, as she knew her mother, who behaved regularly like she was twenty years younger and sister to Laura. So here was Tina and Laura flirting with me and poor Romana just stayed in the background, like she had not told Tina, that I was the man, she had met and talked about with Tina. This would not stop Tina, just the opposite, as Tina wanted to be the centre of any party. Romana never really objected to this, as she knew she had far more attention from both women and men, and Tina at times behaved somewhat vulgar at times.

Since slowly all the party guest had left and only a few remained including Romana, Tina and Laura, I started paying more attention to Romana, who told Tina, that I was the man she had talked about and met at Shepherd Place the month before. After Tina and Laura had left, I offered to walk Romana home, but she told me that she lives just around the corner. Since I had no idea about how close, I still insisted. As I right away found myself across the entering to 37 Green Street, her home, I was stretching out sand shaking hand and a saying goodnight. No kiss or even a hint of such.

Romana did not appear as a women I would consider an object for the night, in fact, I felt that she just was not that kind of a women, and I had known a few. I can’t say that I thought much about meeting her again the next days and weeks. I never contacted her; I did not have her telephone number anyway.

As chairman of the Residents’ Association of Mayfair, I had arranged a Christmas Party at the Mayfair Hotel. I instructed a few lady members of the social committee, including Kayak, and Lynda, Geoffrey Howard wife to get members and guest to the party.

I had decided to hold this party on the 7^th December 1989, as this would mark my dearest grandmother’s 90 year’s birthday, if she had lived. She died far too early, like Romana, when she was just 50 years old. Until recent I could cry thinking about her, but now I know life and only cry of missing My Romana Since my grandmother meant so much to me, I wanted that day to hold the party and this also suited the American members of the Association, since it was Pearl Harbour Day.

The Christmas Party was a success and as always sought after. I was sitting with Lady Porter, the conservative leader of Westminster City Council and Lady Mayor (she was the heiress to Tesco which her father created). Also at the table was David Weeks, the chief executive of the Council, who I later exposed together with Evening Standard (Mira Bar-Hillel, Councillor Demoldenburg.) Other sitting at the table was our MP and his wife. I possibly did know that Romana was at the party, but at our table there was a wealthy woman, Mary Ann, not living in Mayfair but Belgravia, who started immediately to flirt with me, and insisted on a dance. I made an excuse as I did not want to dance. I did see Romana smiling across the room.

Towards the end of the evening, a few people wanted it to go on, we had around 180 plus guest but most had left except a few including Romana and her girlfriend Barbara (married to Tim van Rillin, a Hollywood film producer).

Our First Kiss

Some days before the Christmas Party I had received invitation of the opening and honorary membership of a new club to open in Shepherd Market, the former Penthouse Club, the new club’s name Royal Club. I suggested to the few left at the Mayfair Hotel that we walk over to Shepherd Market, I can still remember walking with Romana across the south of Berkeley Square on our way to the club in Shepherd Market, looking north telling Romana that I just lived on the top of the square. It was a cold winter night, just after midnight.

Arriving at the club, I went upstairs s to the top floor, walking the stairs with Barbara and Romana at each side. We went to the bar, as all the tables had been taken and the place was quite full. I can’t remember as of writing the other people in our crowd, possibly Leo and his wife Margo, but they found a table, but all left before I left with Barbara and Romana later.

Romana and I had a few dances, where I told Romana that I do not really dance; I might have quoted what the French film director Roger Vadim said to me in Sweden, telling me that he did not dance, “you can make love on a dance floor”. We danced and holding Romana close, she just fitted right, all ending in a little smooching kiss…………………………………………………………………….

The club later was close a few years later and the owners open the Icini, which became notorious with it White Powder Room, the women’s toilet used to cocaine. As chairman of the official appointed Residents’ Association, I made many complaint to the police, but they was on the take at the time. The owners of Icini made a lot of money and open Hot Chocolate at the corner of Berkeley Square and Berkeley Street; I went to the opening with Romana as Laura (Lubner) was the manager of the place. Again later on I had to regular complain to the police, as so many gathered there, most coloured people for acid parties at Friday and Saturday night. So I had to fight Laura, well knowing what was going on, she did step down and the place closed.

Considering the importance of human rights in my life, The Atlantic charter was made in August, when I was born in June 1941. It was the foundation to the Human Rights Act, first by United Nation and later the European.

A few months after Romana’s death I did look for self-gratification, drowning myself in drugs, alcohol and sex. I travelled in Russia and Ukraine, always with two women by my side and in bed. Having been always a solitary kind of guy, I had not the comfort by my sons and my family.  They just left me to go on.

My Daily Grief

Writing these lines, tomorrow, will the seventh anniversary for My Romana leaving this life.

Every day, it has seemed to me, grief changes, persisting shifting, most days more furtive, to others. But my intensity of my grief, can many moments during the day lead me to silent tears, resurgent, weighing on me every time in a new and at times even somewhat frighten way that I do not know how to free myself from.

Lately, I realise that there is so many aspect of grief, its listlessness, loneliness and withdrawal, it gruelling durations. I had hope, when seeing Alexander at visit, I for a moment could together with him console my grief, but he seems to appear to have no grief. Perhaps, the brief moments, I have seen him, he hides his grief. Most of the time, I am also able to hide my grief, I had to with Hanna and had to hide away by going and lay down for an hour, not showing my tears.

I came to realise in August 2008, that I could never live in London again, too many memories and associations with Romana.

I think, I also realised, it will difficult to live in the villa, as I was every moment reminded of Romana, however, that provided me with a certain comfort. Now when Mark has sold my Home, I have, if I live, be close by possibly in Cap D’Air or Beulioe, my grief ritual, a desire to be around the area that I can intermingle with Roman’s, as I yearn now to trace with my fingertips the contours of her soul. Romana died there and it is my sacred places and my home in a way that no other place ever will be. Now that Romana’s ashes are at Villa Les Anges, I will feel even more attached to the area, as I still want my own ashes there as Romana and I had wishes together.

In writing this, it feels me with sadness, which can totally overtake me and fill my day completely. It is like the conception of the last seven years since Romans death, their relation to ongoing time itself, as being like an invisible but weighty hibernating the animal inside me, sides always rising and falling, that I somehow had to get moving again before it would all be too late, that I had to expel from inside myself and follow out into the world.

Shortly after Romana’s death I wanted to seek comfort by going to her home in Opole, walking the streets and places where she had spent all her childhood years. I walked with Amey to the square where her mother Jadwiga had her small apartment, hanging around just outside with Amey. Despite, it was June and sunshine, it seemed so grey and died, polluted and sad. I found it very hard and constantly was crying, which people bypassing noticed. The shop close by on the square was than a flower shop, this little shop was where Romana had been getting a few sweets. Also the square itself meant my recollection of Romana telling me about the air commander pilot, who loved her, flying over tipping his plane several times. The trees in the square, I touched as I knew they was there when little Romana walked around. Because, I came several times to the square hanging around, I feared that people would think I was up to no good, so I drove my BMW there and parked so to show that I was not a threat.

I wanted so badly to investigate all about the air commander at the time, and write the story about him, Romana and her mother, who loved him. I tried to enquire in Warsaw as to get military records and was told that it is very difficult. Romana flew to Poland to attend his funeral, which was a big military affair. According to Romana, when she left Poland and returned ones visiting, she met with him and told him that she did not love him and that she could not see them living a life together. It was shortly after this meeting that he died in his plane, which at the time was reported as an accident, but speaking to his fellow pilots, they thought it was a suicide.

Romana was too young, when they met initially and did not love him, but Jadwiga did. This air commander, who was in charge of teaching all Polish fighter pilots, killed himself, most likely of impossible love for Romana and grief for his dead wife, who had been Romana’s teacher.

Romana loved her teacher very much, who died quite young of breast cancer, only shortly after her marriage to the air commander. We used to go to her grave when visiting Romana’s parents and grandparent’s grave.

———————-

I have been considering to go to a place where Romana never went, just to try to create a new life, without constantly hanging on to my grief. But I find it difficult, as I want to be close to South of France and the region where Romana and I spent so much time and beautiful moments together. Since, it appears I have a close connection to Italy, I might start in Bordigehra again, at Via Romana, but thereafter, I wish to go to Ferrara and possibly find a place where I can have at least two dogs, and as to Rosy, I wish to have at least two dogs. I have considered Corsica and Sardinia, with possibly Sicily and the area of Taranto, which I wish to visit, with my dogs, so I need a large Range Rover, Toyota Land cruiser or the BMW 4A. Perhaps I should take a world cruise first or at least in Asia and possibly the Mediterranean and Caribbean. I am alone nearly 24 hours a day and now for years, so I do need to have people around and a cruise is a good way. Still, there is a long battle ahead here in London.

Roman’s last days in this life

It all started as we returned from Switzerland in March, Romana spirit went daily downhill and soon she stayed in bed. On the Easter Thursday called Skærtorsdag in Danish, something like suffering Thursday, Romana woke and surprised me greatly, as she was being attended to by Everlyn, me sleeping next to Romana. Romana was saying to Everlyn, How I would like to be fucked right now by a big manhood, just like one of those Negro pricks, than looking at me. I was a little embarrassed in front of Everlyn who was just smiling. Romana would never say such a thing and certainly have never expressed such feelings, never mind for black men. Frankly, I was a little shaking knowing most of Romans fantasies and sexual wishes. I just shook my head and smiled to Romana.

Well, I went downstairs for have my breakfast, nice black coffee and my special bread from La Turbie, brought by our woman every morning.

Romana had a bad night, but still appearing fresh enough to express such sexual desires. I somewhat felt sad, as I just could not associate my thoughts about Romana with having sex. In fact, I had been feeling really bad about this, since Romana’s first seizure, it was so gruelling for me, because I loved her so much and everything about her I adored. We had sexual intercourse last, more than 10 months earlier, when we went to Italy for the weekend that was the last time I felt my manhood inside her. At the time Romana already had lost a lot of weight and I could feel her bones. As this involved me being very careful with her, and the Romana I used to hold in my arms, was a strong and full body, it was strange and a little embarrassing I feel, but we climaxed. If I have known of what I know now writing these lines, I should have really been taking more care of her sexual needs after her illness, but I with so great regrets did not and hope her spirit will forgive me, I have not.

Thursday went by with a few people coming and going, including Lydia visiting and Romana’s sister speaking a little Polish. Both Doctors Daniel and Scemama had been to see Romana and Bernadette also came. Tina came together with ……. who had flown in from South Africa to see Romana. It somehow felt that Romana’s life was running out like water over small stones, slipping away, she did not want to live here any longer.

Romana had a very bad night, with Everlyn constant attending her, and me trying to sleep next to her. Trying to cuddle up holding my arm around her. But even my arm felt much too heavy for my dear Romana fragile body at times, because when I slept Romana felt all the weight. Romana was lying high on several pillows. She did not want television or even music on. A few moments I convinced her to hear some Chopin.

But Good Friday, which we in Denmark call Long Friday became a long day for me and My dearest Romana.

Waking relative late around 9, hearing Everlyn speaking to Romana, without much answering from Romana, I open my eyes in our paradise.

Everlyn had through the night attended Romana, and now she was washing her, washing her little and speaking to her giving her a little to eat with all her medication. Romana did not really take anything in and had not done for some days.

I was lying a little in bed holding Romana’s left hand, kissing it softly, telling her, something she already knew, that she had a very bad night. I went to telephone Scemama to find out when he would come as I could see Romana needed more morphia.

It was a holiday in France, but he was due to see Romana in the morning as he had done every day the last week, it was the 21^st March 2008, Romana’s  6th last sunrise. I did not know it, since the day before Romana had been quite perky and even a little vulgar in her statement to Everlyn and me.

I had my breakfast and stayed downstairs speaking to the various people assisting us. I got ready to walk and did take Amey out for my usual walk over the mountain. Amey was always looking at everything I did in the morning, observing every move I made, awaiting the moment that she knew was getting close to me finally being ready to take her walking. She always showed so much patience, quietly awaiting everything I did, moving her eyes around following me. If I went upstairs, she could even hear exact what I did, and knew when I had all my clothes on, been to the toilet etc., somehow she entirely by only listen to me upstairs knew how far I was as to going. Just amassing.

It is Easter Good Friday, writing these lines seven years later, sitting in my solitude, with my classic FM playing some beautiful music. Although, I regret that I did not write all details about Romana’s last days before, it is so difficult thinking about her and Villa les Anges, a place now taken away from me.

I am possibly forgetting some details, except the last day, that I know from opening my eyes until Romana’s spirit and beautiful soul left this world, shortly after 15.00 3pm. But Friday evening, with Tina and ……….    coming earlier and staying around, telling me to come for dinner in the village later at 8. Than telling me that we really should go to Monaco, but I should tell Romana that we only went to La Turbie.

Alexandra, Romana’s sister was sitting most of the time in the bedroom next to the bed. Everlyn had been there all day and looked constantly if there was anything she could do to help Romana. Wiping Romana’s face and seeing to the bed and pillows, so attentiveness, our Everlyn was a good human being, I wish to see her again before dying. She really took so good care of Romana.

I find it difficult to think about Villa les Anges, God knows who is now making it their Home, Our Home, where Romana’s ashes are spread out. I can be sick in my stomach cursing my sons, specific Mark for doing this to me. The greatest hurt apart from Romana’s death. Dying for me will be nothing compared to the pain I have about losing Villa les Anges – and both Mark and Alexander’s knew that.

Our bedroom, the bed we shared, and where Romana died, just the thought makes me too upset to write any longer……

And all my books, I have bought books all my life, and they to me are a record of my life. I can recall where I bought them. For me every book is a talisman. Together they are not perfect academic, but number books I always had a special relationship to. Having once lost at least 3000 books, even more, I used to say 5000 book in the London docks in 1964.  Having than again lost a lot of books when all the events in Denmark to place, including quite important books from my childhood, my Mother had been looking after. I started after the events to slowly buy books, some art books all over, from Zurich to Berlin. – All left in the villa, as Hania could not get the removal van in to the villa, Jacques at the entrance stopped this, so the two removal men had to go from the top all the way to the villa collecting everything they could at the time. Moreover, the neighbour threatens to call the police, so the wan had to move on. So all left in the Villa and Alexander just saying “where should I take it?” no care about such things, all the memories,

Well, I was not finished about the Good Friday, after Tina and …… had left, I got ready to go, it was around 8 and I was already a little late, when I went into Romana to tell her I was going, she started a terrible seizure, more short at the time, but aggressive and exhausting for her little energy she had left in her body. I stayed next to her and Alexander in the bedroom, the seizure attack went on and on, poor Romana, not feeling the seizures, but constant disappearing and waking up in between the terrifying attack. Alexander and I going frantic. Everlyn being there and spoken to Scemama, who came bye for an hour, until Daniel arrived at 9.

I had promised Romana, that I would not take her to hospital whatever happened, as Romana wanted to die at home, and I wanted to keep this promise. However, after Daniel had been staying there for close to over an hour and it appeared that the seizure attack was not going to stop, despite the large amount medication both doctors had put into Romana little body, I had to agree to allow Romana to be taken to Pasteur Hospitalier and Daniel arranged everything. The ambulance came just before 11 at night – I felt bad as I did not want Romana to die in hospital. Daniel had assured me that he could only stop these seizures in hospital; he had not seen so many seizures and not been able to stop them. 

They tried everything in the hospital

I was lying 5 meter away sleeping on a special hospital bed, just on top with all my clothes on.

The seizures went on all day and night

Easter Saturday

Contacted Alexander in China and told him to come back right away.

Easter Sunday

First Sunday morning they were able to stop the seizures.

Alexander arrive and Lydia collect him, as we did not want him to speak to Daniel, who wanted to extend Romana’s life

Monday

Tuesday

Although, I wanted to write the above, all evening I have been sitting here trying to force myself to begin, but the more I thought about it, the more depressed and distressed I became – sitting here in this box. It is just too much for me, even think about my Romana and the last few days of her time with me.

I could not finish it this Easter 

My Romuska,

I am just writing to tell you, that I Love you so much. I have just seen a film you would have liked it was called The White Countess, produced by James Ivory and with Natasha Richardson, who is where are. The film was made in 2005 and is about Shanghai in the 1930s and recall that the Italian we was together with at Jean Christophe in France, he wanted to develop the French consulate back in 2000. It is the 11^th April and close to two in the night – but you are so dear in my heart. Freddy will come tomorrow Sunday to see me.

26.03.08

I feel an overwhelming sense of peace

On the 26th October 2005, I wrote this for Romana in Warsaw on a card. I regularly gave Romana a card with some poems or lines just as a manifestation of my Love for her. 

Romush

You are the air I inhale

You are the sun rise

– and most of all the SUN

You guide me through the day

With your wisdom, beauty and loving heart

You surround me with everything that

I love and appreciate 

I see the flowers, the nature, animals

and taste the wines

Walking through the landscape of life and a world full of beauty and love

Without You, My Love –

Only darkness, cold and ultimately Death.

All My Love

Mogens

My Romana

I have decided writing about Romana and me and our life from the fist day we met, until me holding her on the 26th March 2008, leaving this world. For two reason, firstly, most men 99% who will read this will not believe such a women exist, therefore, it is important to tell our stove. So it is in honour to women in general and specially to Romana.

I do need my diaries, but in the meantime I will write in details about our life through the more than 18 years. All the places went to and how Romana wanted most things to be a secret, to Alexander, her girlfriends and others. Romana knew about jealousy and how people really are.

That the criminal justice system is dysfunctional, without any true moral objective, can be seen from that the Home Office did not want an ordered research report about Portugal’s drug policies published.

In UK 44.6 death from fatal overdoses per million (15-64 years old), where in Portugal only on average 3 per million on average a year.

30th October 2015 – 27.172 DOML

Again bad night, chest, cough, so I got up at 4.55 and started writing about Romana.

Yesterday, I decided that I will write a book about Romana, my soulmate. Our lives for the 218 months we lived together, the reason was to tell mankind, that a woman like Romana do exist, that they are not just parts of us men’s ideal, but they do really and truly exist. I want specific younger men, without much experience, to understand that true love is God’s blessing, it exist and even that most people will never experience such love, it does not mean that they should not aim for it.

I also want to give Romana’s son, our son Alexander something about his mother, partly because he really did not know most of it and in many ways did not know his mother.

Yesterday, when I thought about such venture, it was 11 (29.10.2015, 29=11. the month 10=1, so 2015= 8, therefore, 3+8=11). I also read that my case number at the ECHR was 11 for that year.♥

Jadwiga, Romana’s mother, told her daughter that for every pot, there is a lid, for every saucepan one can find a lit. What she did not tell her, that it could take a long time to find such, and most people never find such lid in their lifetime.

Although, most of our life, was not known to many, in fact, many times, no one of our close friends, her many  and indeed all our acquiescence, even her son Alexander.

The reason for this, was that Romana, told me not to mention our lives to anyone, because it would bring resentment and jealousy. This was so much against my personal character, as I liked to tell people about how good time we had together. However, I learned fast and from the start of our love, we even had to keep things away from Alexander, not for him to get hurt, with a new man with his mother. After all, he was 8 years, when Romana, and I met for the first time.

Romana was right, one should not glow and show off, among normal people, just trying to make a life. It used to upset me a great deal when we went To Poland, I could never tell about where we had been, what we had experienced and what happened to us. It was quite easy as I did not speak Polish, but many time, I had hoped Romana would mention something about our lives, but in Poland, it was the last place. Even to her sister and others in her hometown of Opole.

If I could not keep my mouth shut all the time, and started speaking about our travels and life, when the person I tried to communicate with, always asked Romana, could you please help, I do not understand Mogens, Romana, would lie and said it is nothing or just tell something which I had been involved with before I met Romana. Nothing to do with that I was telling them.

Most of the nouveau riche Poles, we knew, always for hours could talk about where they have been, where they stayed, the name of the hotel and what happened. To my frustration, even place we went to on a regular basis, and stayed many times in the same hotel, Romana would only say, we have been there, but when they wanted to know the hotel, Romana told them she can’t remember. This some times got me a little mad inside, but Romana was right.

Even Paris, where Romana and I went to many times, in some years we had up to 25 trips to Paris, mostly for 3 nights, we stayed in many of the five-stars hotels, ranging from The Ritz, George V, Maurice, Le Bristol, de Crillon, Plaza Athénée, and a range of the new boutiques’ hotel which started in the early 1990s. We never only stayed once, we came many time to the same hotel, as we wanted to be sure of the right environment and atmosphere for our romantic weekend. One of the reason, that I formed Mayfair Even Management and used the Mayfair Society, in our travel all over the place, was to obtain a discount and received special offers. Ultimately, when Romana was invited to Bahrain, in 1998, by the emirs, to advise on attracting conferences and events of all kind to the place, it came from the fact, that they knew we travel extensively.

We could do all this, because Alexander was either at school in Switzerland, with Hill House, later at Salem in Germany and than at Bryanston. Later again from the villa, we had, for most of the time, permanent staff living in, which did allow us such travel, even when Amey come into our lives in 2001.

Romana did not have Commandments, she did not have to remind herself, however, if I should think of Romana’s Commandments:

• You live for your soulmate and yourself
• Everything he wants, everything he desires you attend to
• Do not expose yourself to jealousy unduly, do not ever brag or be boastful
• Every moment can be enjoyable, but always seek to create special moments for you and your soulmate
• Try not to surround yourself with too much negativity
• Your body has been given to you, feel comfortable in your skin and do not abuse your body, unless, it is for special moments.
• Do not speak badly about other people, or judge them, their actions or deeds

I have only known one person in my life, who never spoke badly about others or made a judgement, that was my dear aunt Elna. If you spit her in the face, she would tell you, that it might be raining.

After Romana and I had made love a few times and lying in bed, Romana sat up in the bed and looked at me seriously, I thought she was going to say something very serious. Instead, she looked at me and took my hand, will you promised me something, my face must have been a little perturbed. Please listen, then she said, any time we want to make love and you feel you want me, please do not hesitate for one moment, wherever, we are and never in our bed, if you wake me at 4 or 5 in the morning, I will be there for you, please promise me! Yes, I promised.

Romana kept her part of this, but I did not, specific when she became ill, I am shameful right now to open this wound. I know our making love was important to both of us, but I failed my Romana the last 15 months of our life together, at a time she really wanted to feel our psychical love for each other.

I see the page is  (218=11). I believe that I should launch a thousand poems about Romana, but I do not consider myself a good poet, like I am not a writer. Do I look like a writer to you?

Do I look like a singer to you?

Romana had many jokes, only she could tell, because in her English with a Polish and feminine voice.

One of them was about a Jewish couple, Sarah and Moshe. They were newly wed and had just moved into a new apartment. One day Sarah asked her husband if he could attend to some light that needed fixing. Moshe replied, my dear Sarah, I go to work every day and work hard as an accountant, do I look like an electrician to you? Sarah did not say anything, however, a week later she had problems with her washing machine and she had to ask him again for help. You know I work very hard and do I look like a plumber to you? A week later Sarah saw a spot on the ceiling and asked Moshe if he kindly could paint over it. Moshe said, Sarah, you know I go to work every day, do I look like a painter to you?

A week later, he was sitting in his office and thought, I have been too hard to Sarah, all these things she asked for I can do, he, therefore, took early leave from the office and went home. When he came home he immediately asked Sarah, about the light, washing machine and the spot in the ceiling and told her that he wants to see it all right away.

Sarah looked at him, and said, it is all fixed, do not worry! He looked at her and said how? The neighbour upstairs has fixed all. So Moshe looked at Sarah, so what did you have to pay for this? Sarah told him, our neighbour told me that I can either sing him a song or he can make love to me! So, what song did you sing Sarah? Moshe, do I look like a singer to you?

I am sure Romana received this joke from Christina’s husband, who was Jewish and always had some good Jewish jokes.

Despite that Romana was treated very badly by her husband Angus and he had left her in 1988 to live in Brussels, Romana would not allow anything bad said about him in general and specifically to Alexander, their son.

Even to me, I had to drag the truth out of her for years, as to how bad Angus had been, but only if I did never tell Alexander. I do Angus picked a beautiful and rare flower when he met Romana in 1978, and their ten years marriage took its toll on Romana. Angus did terrible things to her and others in working his telex scam, something he had done since the early 1960s, with his wife, who later committed suicide.

Even such “criminal scam” defended Romana by saying Angus always had the intention to deliver a directory, the fact that people send hundreds of cheques from all over the world, every day and these cheques were cashed, Romana knew about, but did not truly see the bad element in it, even it was immoral.

I recall that Romana travelled with Alexander to Brussels to bring Angus some of the main silver goblets, he had a collection of goblets that he wanted. Despite that they were valuable and Romana had no money for food or paying school fees, not paid rent since Angus left, she still allows him to get these valuable items.

On the 7th day of each month, we celebrated meeting each other, always with travel, flowers and a great dinner or lunch. I wrote always a card with some poems or affirmation. I have many of these cards.

Romana found me suffering from melancholia, as I did suffer from depressions, therefore, I decided to find on the Internet a joke every day. I also received many jokes from Ilse in Monaco, who scouted the Internet and sent out something every day.

Our many trips to:

USA

Barbados

Paris

Baden-Baden

Munchen

Kassel Dokumenta

Zurich

Lucerne

Lugano

Venice (all the Bienale)

Geneva

Milano

Strasbourg

Turin

Bologna

Sorrento

Amalfi

Naples

Ravello

Capri

Perugia

Ferrara

Trento

Como

Graz in Austria

Salsburg

Innsbruck

San Marino

Portofino

Cuneo

Rome

Florence

Verona

Asti

Aix-en-Provence

Basel (Art)

Namur

Dijon

Lyon

Bordeaux

Clermont-Ferrand

Saint-Sebastian

Toulouse

Perpignan

Marseille

Chantilly

Brittany

Anjou

Auvergne

Madrid

Dublin

Waterford

New York

Chicago

Princeton

Villa Feltrinelli on Lake Garda

The Gritti Palace, Venice

Crillon Le Brave, Provence

We went through all the Relais & Châteaux

Grand Hotel de Bordeaux

Grand Hotel Excelsior Victoria, Sorrento

I have written before, that Romana lived for me, but I also lived for Romana. Nothing was more important for us, from the morning rise to going to bed. Romana, was not truly interested in jewellery, expensive clothing and cars. She rarely went to a hairdresser, and when she mostly regretted. As for clothes, yes Romana loved shopping, but never at any price, neither was it really important.

As to jewellery, Romana like anything to dress with, but nothing expensive, as she always was concerned loosing it, moreover, she had the little jewellery she had left from her husband, seen it being stolen. Also knowing about jewellery, having worked a little for one of the most established secondhand jewellers in Bond Street, Romana knew the margins and the an expensive ring, did never reflect the true price.

Most men, I have advised through the years or were close to, always complained about their wives spending money, either on themselves, clothing, cars or jewellery.  Romana did do none of them. A girlfriend of Romana would once a week spend nearly £500 at her hairdresser, in South Moulton Street. Romana could but never, moreover, had no need to because as she believed most women needed some comfort going either with themselves or how they looked at themselves.

Romana was 100% comfortable in her skin. Romana went with a girlfriend to Milan to shop for the weekend in September 2006, the girlfriend would spend close to a million euro, every year on clothes. Apart from having good food and lots of laughter, Romana found it rather absurd and boring, because she did not find her girlfriends was happy or joyful, spending hundreds of thousands, neither specifically cared much about the individual clothing. When Romana came back, she said, she did not want to do this again and much prefer our shopping in Como or San Remo.

Going shopping with Romana always turned out to be an enjoyment and a true experience. Romana would always make it a happy time, and one truly felt so good, even in the market, when Romana could have found a handbag for £10 or less. Although, we paid hundreds of pounds/euros, even £750-1000 for certain bags, Romana would have much more use of her cheap copy or “inspired” label bags. She preferred an inspired label bag. As to paying hundreds of pounds, this we did to people in Italy, who made the real bags.

I never forget the times Romana told me that she was shopping with a girlfriend in Bond Street, Romana placed a Louis Vuitton bag on the counter, a shop assistant started looking closer at the bag and even called a manager, and admired Romana’s handbag. Since our friend had supplied it, and the normal price was £2500 plus, Romana become concerned, but they pointed out all the original features of the bag and told her that this specific bag had not arrived in London before in some weeks.

The same thing happened once with a Dior bag in Bond Street. During the time we had regular promotion events in the galleries, Romana received nice bags from RedWall, the makers of Prada, Armani and Musquino. And from France, also bags from Longchamps and Chanel. Redwall being the biggest manufactured of handbags in Italy, making for many designers.

I recall, when Liz and I lived in Florence, I had contact with the people who made the Kelly bag for Hermes, the crocodille bag at the time cost £10,000 plus, even bag in 1980s. I could buy the bag for 2-3000. 

————-#

I have to think about the structure as to my book about Romana. How I should set out the book, with poems etc. Am I writing as myself or a narrator. I could travel to the places Romana and went to, and fill in specific issues, trying to recall the moments with Romana.

In the meantime, I should just write what I daily have in my mind.

I should start recalling birthdays, events at the galleries, the fighting in Mayfair around RAM.

Romana never stood outside a jeweller with me, and pointed on some ring, bracelet or piece of jewellery, I should like that, directly asking me to buy the item. When we used to go window shopping in Mayfair, we would look at the windows of all shops, but Romana never pointed at an item she wanted, except shoes, handbags and clothes, dress, underwear, overcoats.

During a period, for some reason Romana had the same coats that we later saw on princess Diana. I great opportunity, I received was when Norman Hartnell, the Queen dressmaker, went bankrupts. This allow Romana to get a lot of real classic dresses, practically for nothing compared with their sales prices. Another good connection, was the importers I had in 27 Berkeley Square, also allowing to buy at wholesale prices attractive quality clothes. The special sales from some Bond Street shops, where Romana got some good buys.

Well, I know I have had many writing plans, but my book about Romana, is everything, there others must come second.

My Romana loved most music, we daily had music playing, from Chopin to Mozart, but also music My Romana could dance to or even sing to me. Romana would sing to me “Did you ever know that you’re my hero and everything” Romana was my true Hero! The last hour before My dear Romana left this journey, resting in my arms holding her, I played Daniel Barenboim playing 11 Nocturne, the last music that Romana heard in this life; Chopin: Nocturne Eb, Op.9 No.2

My Romana

To just have your breath next to me

knowing your presence indulging my mind and body

Looking into your cheeky eyes with all the promises

with your warm lips and kisses tingling my inner desires

your love overflowed all my lakes of tears from the hardness of life

You let the sunshine into my soul and showed me the path

Thank you – your Mose for eternity.

For Romana 

In your eyes I see

the future full of love

full of hope and happiness

full of excitement and achievements

In your mouth I see

the voice of my inner mind

the warmth and most sensual kisses bestow upon man

In your arms

I feel the highest contentment and happiness

with no more longing

the complete security of love

and the sharing of everything with you

in total surrender to our love

This is Just to Tell You 

I have tasted your Love from the running fountain of untold Joy and Happiness

I have walked along the beautiful path of paradise holding your hands, intoxicated by the scent of all the exquisite flowers and from looking into your face and smile that daily gave warmth to my soul.

I have swam with you at midnight, with dancing stars and flying bats above our merged bodies of pleasure

I just can’t wait to look into your soul and merge my spirit with yours in eternity.

Mose

Our Loving Walks

(Our Morning Walks in Cap D’Air 2000)

At the first days and months of the new century

Along the water front with the flurry from the waves hitting us and making us wet, the stairs, the Rock and Mala beach

Our walk in Holly togetherness in total love and affection for each other.

The thunder of the unstoppable waves hitting the rocks

Romana dancing in between, in front of me to the sound of the sea and waves hitting the rocks with the gentle breeze flowing around her beautiful body and mind with the golden hair like a halo.

The scent of flowers, the fresh sea wind and glorious vegetation from the gardens.

Romana  – You opens the gates to the body and the soul

The long legs, the bended knees with every step, the long legs leading to Heaven, from the hip-socket carrying the trunk above, the breast-bone and full breast, with those unseen kissable nipples.

All in front of me her heel, ankles, leg-fibres, under-leg, long and thin, knee, knee-pan, upper-leg and thighs, with all the shapeliness of her bum/buttocks leading to the wonders of my mind.

A scent of her morning smell, flow by in the breeze, as a new born flower and the white magnolia opening for the day, even better than the smell of a  fresh clean baby. I am exhilarated, each breath deep, pure, and sweet, my heart strong and full of love at its most divine moment.

The blond hair flowing down her kissable peach neck and back, sometimes outside a cap, like a young schoolgirl.

Moving those long finger hands, wrist, wrist-joints, the palm and knuckles, those forefingers, finger-joints and long finger-nails – all to an air kiss towards me from those smiling eyes and lips.

Romana encircling me with her arms, the arms of a beautiful warm and strong woman, a loving mother, the arms of a friend and kindred soul mate, the arms of a spirit who opened my body and soul.

For a perfect moment, our hearts and our eyes spoke.

Romana dancing and fluttering in the morning breeze, with a twiddle/twirl and twist like the youngest of girls the waves dancing to their own beat from faraway places dancing to please the wind along tossing her head with the golden hair flowing loose around.

The toasted rustic bread with butter melting and our espresso to a new day.

The 88 steps at Eden Palace rock, from Mala beach, counting out loud with the movement of Romana’s beautiful body in all its glory in front of me

Her voice and smiles,  the flow and ebb of the sea

the flowers in glowing colours that open with a sense of delight

The birds that sing in the loveliest of trees, our magnolia with the strong scent

The clouds that slowly wander over the mountain high, some lonely until they merge to finally disappear dancing in the little breeze

Another willing and yielding day

The sacred of her body

Her calming and excellence to my soul

I am drawn by her breathing and love flesh swelling red lips touching mine in love hot and enormous

The ripe fruits in the garden on the hillside, where the eyes of the eagle watch over its wanting prey

There are the shadows beneath the trees with their leaves dancing in the breeze

I gazed for a moment of eternity with love in my heart and happiness in my mind

There with the loveliest of trees surrounding our glowing hillside

That takes my breath away will these dreams

Our fruit-bearing hills, with figs, cherries, peaches and apricot, not to mention lemons, oranges and almonds

with the purple glow of lavender with the dancing butterflies

where the sunlight gleams and dances on the pool water.

Where the bat feeds on the starlight and the moon dances on the water of the pool 

Romana, you brought me the dreams that took my breath away

The flowering Chestnut Tree

The swaying of lavender to the flimsiness of the wind

The twinkle sunbeam among the butterfly’s wings.

My Romana lustrous body, lusty – lustiest of bodies and luscious lips

There with the flowering almond and chestnut trees with the cherry tree to come on to their purple glory

This was my hour of glory in the arms of Romana

I want this moment to solidify forever my/in eternity

By Mose

Did I ever imagine the brain in its folds inside this beautiful skull-frame one day would let her down – no

Now I am a caged bird with broken and bruised wings with no perch around, only the bars to gaze through with my quiet breath to take me into the night of my loneliness of my despair

3rd May 2015

Another Day and Morning Rise

The morning sun opens my day

with a kiss on my forehead

by warm soft lips from a beautiful

the female form, divine women, with long legs

stretching out her womanly bare body

in all its glory standing in front of me

surrounded by heavenly scent and expectation

There dances all passion, desires, longings and dreams

reaching an aspiration to the music of heaven

There dance the limitless love, hot and enormous,

quivering jelly of love, white-blow skin

and joyful sensuality

Within me run blood and flow stung,

with love-flesh swelling and

deliciously aching in my manhood

for My Woman

By Mose

Romana you always exuded a fresh fragrance of the flowers of paradise, never really perspired

Romana was a primal force possessed by an indomitable happy spirit and boundless happy energy

For My Woman

My Romana

I tasted in your arms

the fullness of life

you gave me a feast of

delights every day

I drowned all my sorrows

of yesterday years in your

beautiful body and soul

and triumphed

You shined up on the

mountain high

and always danced

to a new mornings

delight and passion

You always gave me joy

and laughter with

happiness beyond all measure

by Mose

The Smell of Calvados 

I want to feel your nipples harder

with my whole body throbbing with desire

Looking into your dreary eyes and

my blood beating time with your

I ache to feel myself between your legs

to sense the moistness there and ease

my hardness into you with your grasps

and moans letting my hardness grow

Your squirt of Orgasm

The taste of your Kiss

still lingers in my mind

Last night, ah, yesterday

I felt your lips and mine

bestowing warmth to my body

Upon my mind the kisses

and wine, but I was desolate

and sick of an old passionately

I was desolate and bowed my head

I have been faithful to you

All night upon my heart

I felt your warm heartbeat

Night-long within my arms you lay

                                                            by Mose

How I miss the femininity, the scent – the smell of My Romana

Every Day Romana and I said to each  “When did I last told you that I Love “

Paul Young danced with Romana on the 17.10.99 at the Millennium Hotel, “Every Time You Go Away You Take a Piece of Me with you”

I crave to lick the luscious nectar of your love

You’re ravenous, open-mouthed with you

I crave to lick the luscious nectar of your love

suck all your love-flesh swelling and glowing

openness from your loosening thighs

and feel your frenzy shudder

the quivering to hear the shriek of total pleasure

The circling rivers of the breath and breathing

it in and out of my mind. 

by Mose

Your Lips

All your lips give such pleasure

When you, at your leisure,

from words that I treasure

Such indulgent, without measure 

Then later, the flicker

first slowly then quicker

Addictive as liquor

Still makes me thicker

and harder inside you

your mouth open wide with desires wants

the nipples, your breast firm and vibrant

your warm lips surround me

as you ride into exhalation

by Mose

These are poems I wrote to Romana when she still walked this life, taken from the seized laptop

We have a love that was born of chance,

Two hearts collided due to circumstances. 

I was not looking for love when I found you,

I had said never again, but what could I do? 

Your loving eyes and caring smile,

Told me you were the one that would go the extra mile. 

Now again I am risking it all for love,

The outcome I will leave to my Father above. 

At first, I was cautious, not giving you all,

Then slowly you showed me you’d never let me fall. 

Now I am your heart, body, soul, and mind,

A more true or complete love I could never find. 

When God sent me you, He sealed my fate,

A life of undying love with you, my soulmate. 

You’re part of me

You always a part of me

In every success I make

In everything I do

I always think that there is always you 

I couldn’t explain how much I love you

When you asked me why I do

I just don’t know why

But I’m sure I love you

As much as you only knew 

You’re always with me

In everything that I do

Through ups and downs

In all trials that come our way

I know you are always there to stay 

Though I’m not that mature person

That you want me to be

I’ll do everything to be

I love you so much

And I want to spend my whole life with you. 

You are my life, my lover, my friend…

We will be together until the end…

After the end should there be more….

Again I will be forever yours… 

Our souls have met and shall be one…

For the rest of our lives, we will have fun…

Together as lovers, life partners and friends.

We will be soul mates again and again…

You brought out in me a gift of sweet love…

Reminding me there is God up above…

I see in your eyes, your face and your smile…

That life is a journey that’s really worthwhile…

If my life should end in such a way…

That I can’t say goodbye to you that day…

Know in your heart that we were one…

Forever and a day, unlike none…

Have I Told You Lately

Have I told you lately, that I love you

Have I told you just how great you are?

Your devoted love, compassion and strength

Your demeanour is what I like and adore.

I know situations in my life put you through a test,

And tend to make me a nervous wreck.

But I am truly grateful to have found a friend like you

Who listens to me whether I’m happy, sad or blue.

There aren’t many women like you

You are truly one of a kind.

And I can’t seem to get you out of my mind.

Have I told you lately, just how great you are? 

If I didn’t.. then let me tell you now,

You are one person my heart truly adores.

You and Me…

That’s how it will be…

For eternity.

Seared into each other’s souls.

Connected mentally and spiritually.

As the soulmates, we are meant to be.

No matter how hard we try to fight it…

God’s plan will be…

Lessons taught and lessons learned.

Patient we must be.

You and me…

Destined to be…

Seared together spiritually, mentally

Emotionally, physically…

Throughout all eternity.

We will be…

You and Me.

In your eyes I see

the future full of love

full of hope and happiness

full of excitement and achievements

In your mouth I see

the voice of my inner mind

the warmth and most sensual kisses bestow upon man

In your arms

I feel the highest contentment and happiness

with no more longing

the complete security of love

and the sharing of everything with you

in total surrender to our love 

All by “Mose”   Mogens Hauschildt

The air awoke to the scent of the flowers

and the noise of the drops of the morning drew

Card to Romana on 7.09.2004

My Love Romana

When you came into my life, 15 years ago today,

My fate was sealed. A life of undying love

with you, my soulmate.

You are part of me and I am of you

A true soulmate 

You always will be a part of me

In every success I make

In everything I do, wherever I walk or travel

I always know that there is Romush by my side 

In words, I cannot explain how much I love you

You are always with me in everything that I do

Through ups and downs. In all trials, that come our   way

I know you are always there by my side – We are ONE

If my life should end in such a way,

that I can’t say goodbye to you that day…

Know in your heart that we were ONE…

Forever and a day, unlike none.

Have I told you lately, just how great you are?

Your compassion, strength and character.

You are my life, my lover, my friend.

We will be together until the end.

After the end should there be more…

Again, I will be forever yours…..

Your Soulmate

Mogens ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Come into My Arms

Come into my arms, Romana

when the morning awaken

the air start dancing to the sun

the roses open to the delight of the bees

with the jasmine and lilies scents filling the air

and with Amey still dreaming of long walks

Come into my arms, Romana

for me to merge my weak body and infuse my mind

with your beautiful mind and body

and to cherish our souls together

in our heaven of dreams and Love

bound forever to each other in eternity

Come in my arms, Romana

to listen to the leaves of the blooming almond tree

dancing to the light breeze from Corsica

listen to the joy of our violin Romance

exchanging our breath and thoughts

of beautiful moments, of beautiful times

on the mountain in Paradise

Come into my arm, Romana

Let me dry the water,

as pearls drop from your body of Eve

with the bats still feeding high above the pool

listen to the voice singing Besa me, Besa me mutue

with a taste of Armagnac on your lips

and with your eyes sparkling like the stars above

My Love, My life

My Romana

You are my hope

for tomorrow

Our moments together

gave warmth to my heart

In your eyes I see

our glorious past

in our beautiful paradise

I feel the warmth of the sun

upon my frail and cold body

I smell the fragrance and

all the scents from our

garden of paradise

I can almost taste the wine

and hear your laughter

See in your eyes an ocean

of delights and passions

I want to wake to the music

of your body’s moves with

our bodies and souls

entwined forever

among the galaxies

and stars of eternity

A card I wrote to Romana in 1995

My Romana

In your eyes I see

the future full of love

full of hope and happiness

full of excitement and achievements

In your mouth I see

the voice of my inner mind

the warmth and most sensual kisses bestow upon man

In your arms

I feel the highest contentment and happiness

with no more longing

the complete security of love

and the sharing of everything with you

in total surrender to our love

Yours Mose

I am sitting here, Villa les Anges, overlooking this beautiful place and the sea, all these things just comes to my mind, words are flowing and I just write everything down, some sentence does not even make sense to me. – 28th March 2001 in Villa les Anges

When one walks on clouds – there is no parachute 

As Man can be – he needs his mind  

The beauty of this world is forever lost in the clouded minds of man 

In this white cloud,

I see wisdom,

Comfort and most of all tomorrow

For us and our children

Below us – Nothing

Above us everything what matters

In those minds, I see wisdom –

In these ways – I see downfall

For those who there is little thereafter –, our lives become our past without no reservation – We become the future

Above us EVERYTHING

Below NOTHING

Everything is within our mind – not our grasping

To those I have passed – to those, I will pass on my way – I greet you – in contempt

There will be moments

There will be pleasure

But never times like these

At times like these – we do not need memories

For those who will become and to those who will never be

There may be time and moment like this – but never this moment, which will remain in your mind forever

This has been a day of remembrance

and perseverance and regret

But also a moment of love and

experience

not to have been said

not to have been told

not to have been enjoyed

Those of us who think we are

Are not, those of us who think we are not – are

It has been left upon man

to do everything upon him

But not what is beyond him

and our world

it is for us to say

and for God to listen

and give wisdom in mind

Thi we were to follow

but never to commit in mind

only in our bodies

it has been left upon thi

not to say

but to show by deeds

I have just read a beautiful poem called Silver, written by Walter De La Mare, a nice name. Since I am called the Silver King in Denmark and silver was important in my life I thought I should copy this poem.

Slowly, silently, now the moon

Walks the night in her silver shoon;

That way, and that, she peers and sees

Silver fruits upon silver trees;

One by one the casement catch

Her beams beneath the silvery thatch;

Couched in his kennel, like a log,

With paws of silver sleeps the dog;

From their shadowy cote the white breasts peep

Of doves in a silver-feathered sleep;

A harvest mouse goes scampering by,

With silver claws and silver eyes;

And moveless fish in the water gleam,

By silver reeds in a silver stream.

I found a poem about these horses written by Roy Campbell

Horses on the Camargue

In the grey waters of dread,

The haunt of shattered gulls where nothing moves

But in a shroud of silence like the dead,

I head a sudden harmony of hooves,

And, turning, saw afar

A hundred snowy horses unconfined

The silver runaways of Neptune’s car

Racing, spray-curled, like waves before the wind.

Sons of the Mistral, fleet

As him with those strong gusts they love to flee,

Who shod the dying thunders on their feet

And plumed them with thee snortings of the sea;

There is no earthly breed

Who only haunt the verges of the earth

And only on the sea’s saltherbage feed –

Surely the great white breakers gave them birth.

For when for years a slave,

A horse of the Camargue, in alien lands,

Should catch some far-off fragrance of the wave

Carried far inland from his native sands,

Many have told the tale

Of how in fury, foaming at the rein,

He hurls his rider; and lifted tail,

With coal-red eyes and cataracting mane,

Heading his course for home,

Through sixty foreign leagues before him sweep,

Will never rest until he breathes the foam

And hears the native thunder of the deep.

But when the great gusts rise

And lash their anger on these arid coasts,

When the scared gulls career with mournful cries

And whirl across the waste like driven ghosts:

When hail and fire converge,

The only souls to which they strike no pain

Are the  white-crested fillies of the surge

And the white horses of the windy plain.

Then in their strength and pride

The stallions of the wilderness rejoice;

They feel their Master’s trident in their side,

And high and shrill they answer to his voice.

With white tails smoking free,

Long streaming manes, and arching necks, the show

Their kinship to their sisters of the sea –

And forward hurl their thunderbolts of snow.

Still out of hardship bred,

Spirits of power and beauty and delight

Have ever on such frugal pastures fed

And lowed to course with tempests through the night.

I wrote a poem for Romana’s picture, with Roman looking into my eyes and holding my face in her hands.

My Love, My life, My Romana

You are my hope for tomorrow

Our moments together

provide warmth to my heart

In your eyes, I see our glorious past

in our beautiful paradise

I feel the warmth of the sun

I smell the fragrance and all the

scents from our garden

I can almost taste the wine

See in your eyes  an ocean

of delights and passions

I want to wake to the music

of your body’s moves with

our bodies and souls entwined forever

among the galaxies and stars of eternity

I changed the poem the next day

I want to write a poem about one of our many trips to Paris

I am making a poem for Romana’s picture of her breasts:

The Best Place in the World

Upon these beautiful breasts

I rested my head

thousands of special moments

with my exhausted body

having enjoyed immeasurable

passion and pleasures

with satisfaction beyond

having embraced my body and mind

I will write this poem on the picture

Draft: With Paris on My Mind

Words of inspiration only

With Notre Dame painted in the scenery

on the bridge of passion

With Louvre There

If I could turn back the years,

my Romana would still be in my arms

yes, if I could turn back in time,

look into my Romana’s face and

tell her how much I love her 

I would hold her forever in my arms.

I was thinking about the day Romana died

I was thinking about that Romana died

I was thinking about her body in my arms

I was thinking about her leaving this journey

I was thinking about My Romana

I was thinking

I was

I

Romana no more

I no more

What Lips My Lips Have Kissed 

What lips my lips have kissed,

where, and why,

is not wholly forgotten,

and what arms and hands

have lain upon my body til morning rise,

is still medicine for an ageing man.

What lips my lips have kissed, and

whose breath I gladly inhaled,

mixing with mine in a deep exhilaration

until our bodies merged in completeness,

of mind and body, in a moment of time,

still, glitter with flashes in my veins

and brings me the dreams

that takes my breath tomorrow

The Lonely Tree

In the deep winter night

stands a lonely tree,

in barren land,

where birds have vanished,

one by one from the cold

and bare woody stems.

The old tree still standing

in the cold and solid soil

with its naked strength.

Dreaming of the spring to come

with the chorus of beautiful birds,

the fluttering and dancing of the leaves

in the gentle summer breeze

The old tree waiting

for the songs of Spring

The warmth of the sun

and again a meeting place

for sun and rain

with leaves to harness

it energy and growth

with bloom and exquisite flowers

even fruits to be cherish

by a young girl’s lips

Romana’s and My Song!

We did indeed live with the Eagles on the mountain high.

Thank you – Thank you, My Creator.

“All I know the way I feel

There are mountains

We climb the step every day

They lift up where we belong

where the eagles fly on the mountain high

From the world below

Times go by, no times to cry

Live here and NOW

All we have is here and NOW

I will be loving You Always – My Romana

Always, Always

Romana

You are the air I inhale

You are the sun raise

– and most of all the SUN

You guide me through the day

With your wisdom, beauty and loving heart

You surround me with everything that

I love and appreciate

I see the flowers, the nature,

animals and taste the wines

Walking through the landscape of life

and a world full of beauty and love

Without You, My Love –

Only darkness, cold and ultimately Death.

All My Love

We have a love that was born of chance,

Two hearts that collided due to circumstance.

I was not looking for love when I found you,

I had said never again, but what could I do?

Your loving eyes and caring smile,

Told me you were the one that would go the

extra mile.

Now again I am risking it all for love,

The outcome I will leave to my Father above.

At first, I was cautious,

not giving you all,

Then slowly you showed me you’d never let me fall.

Now I am your heart, body, soul, and mind,

A more true or complete love I could never find.

When God sent me you,

He sealed my fate,

A life of undying love

with you, my soulmate.

You’re part of me

Your always a part of me

In every success I made

In everything I do

I always think that there is always you

I couldn’t explain how much I love you

When you asked me why I do

I just don’t know why

But I’m sure I love you

As much as you only knew

You’re always with me

In everything that I do

Through ups and downs

In all trials that come our way

I know you are always there to stay

Though I’m not that matured person

That you want me to be

I’ll do everything to be

I love you so much

And I want to spend my whole life with you.

Romana

You are my life, my lover, my friend…

We will be together until the end…

After the end should there be more….

Again I will be forever yours…

Our souls have met and shall be one…

For the rest of our lives, we will have fun…

Together as lovers, life partners and friends…

We will be soul mates again and again…

You brought out in me a gift of sweet love…

Reminding me there is God up above…

I see in your eyes, your face and your smile…

That life is a journey that’s really worthwhile…

If my life should end in such a way…

That I can’t say goodbye to you that day…

Know in your heart that we were one…

Forever and a day, unlike none…

Have I Told You Lately

Have I told you lately, just how great you are?

Your compassion, strength and demeanour are what I like best.

I know situations in my life put you through a test,

And tend to make me a nervous wreck.

But I am truly grateful to have found a friend like you

Who listens to me whether I’m happy, sad or blue.

There aren’t many women like you

You are truly one of a kind.

And I can’t seem to get you out of my mind.

Have I told you lately, just how great you are?

If I didn’t.. then let me tell you now,

You are one person my heart truly adores.

You and Me…

That’s how it will be…

For eternity.

Seared into each other’s souls.

Connected mentally and spiritually.

As the soulmates we are meant to be.

No matter how hard we try to fight it…

God’s plan will be…

Lessons taught and lessons learned.

Patient we must be.

You and me…

Destined to be…

Seared together spiritually, mentally

Emotionally, physically…

Throughout all eternity.

We will be…

You and Me.

Romana & Mose

The Wind

I love the wind; it carries me beyond where I will be going.

It has no barriers, like water it flows along in its own universe

The wind with all its power acts like a young spoiled creature of this world – not knowing where to go or where to stop. Worst not knowing its power and force on this world of ours.

The wind will sort out the old from the young – the weak from the strong – all without mercy – only the justice and rules of Nature-

Bring me these dreams that take my breath away.

I am working on this on the 15th of May 2019, a day when Romana’s granddaughter Isabelle Romana is one year old. I just think what Romana will say with a granddaughter. My thoughts are with Alexander and Marie Claire.

It is sad that we do not speak, but I find it hard to forgive him for Romana’s ashes and even believe that there was anything criminal and that his mother could do anything bad against Pamela. Alexander was old enough to be responsible for his action. Nevertheless, I love him and miss him very much.